When I was a wildchild...

When I was a child, The world was large. I had so much to do and many adventures to go on. Thrill seeking, camping trips by myself, I would run through the tall grass and pet wild horses that let me hold them close.

I would try to keep wild dogs as pets and befriend cats I found in barns.

The world was my oyster and I was a noble and wild adventurer. Even when I felt alone.

When I began to ask myself Why I was so alone I would compare myself to peter pan. I would say I am simply a lost girl who is on her own way to neverland and things would look up once I got parents.

I wasnt an orphan I thought, I just was on my own adventure.

I had to find my family.

I remember my first friend and how many times I played with them. I remember forming a crush on them and fearing I was different because of those feelings. When she was infatuated with the idea of a prince charming I was infatuated with her.

When she gagged at kissing girls I day dreamed about accidental kisses on my cheeks.

Then her parents would pick her up and they would go. My friends were often short lived like that. They had famlies. They had villages and people to depend on and they would only stay around long enough to start to question if the land was safe.

To me the land was safe. I could run through lakes and swim, I could dive and find fish. I could climb the highest trees and I could travel far and wide with many animals.

I remember when my innocents was taken from me. I remember that day well...As much as I wish I hadnt. It started when I ran into my first friend for the first time in a long time. She was crying outside, her feet bloodied and dirty. She had aged quite a bit and so had I. I sat beside her and we cried together for what had happened to her. I remember fearing she may have gotten pregnant.

We drifted apart again later. Life has taught me one thing and that is that friends come and go but you eventually come into contact with people who guide you for better or worse.

I wish I could protect her. I wish I could go back and protect myself. It was never as though anything abruptly happened to me. Not until later years. Not until I realizaed there was something wrong with growing up alone yet I had parents. I just didnt consider them family. They didnt want me in the house and I didnt care to stay. I didnt realize there was anything wrong until I got older.

I remember I was eventually shipped off to a new school. I was told I was strange and I was told I was broken. Once more, my parents didnt want me and so I was sent away. I waqs washed and cleaned of my filth and my hair was kept long even though I hated having it like that. I was taught to wear shoes and I was told how to wear 'womens' clothes. I was told not to refer to myself as a 'we' but rather a she or her. I was taught how to play pretty and how to make others smile when I wasnt happy. I eventually found myself involved with someone betrothed to me and yet I felt no love for him. I was repeatidly told I was his now and I have to do everything to make him happy.

I was told to do everything pretty. To work hard for his sake. To bare his children and then care for them along with him.

I remember when they once again told me I was broken.

"You wont be able to bare children." They told me, "Should we inform your husband? This is devstating news... Im so sorry." They were very confused when I told them I wasnt sad.

I remember they said "It just hasnt hit you yet. You'll regret not being able to have kids soon."

That was so long ago now it feels odd to think I was ever in that situation.

I remember how scary it was when I fell in love. I had started going to bars to appease him, he wanted to 'experiment' and that was all I needed to do to get out of the house.

I started sneaking out behind his back, I began to see a woman in the same predictament as me. I remember how happy I was I wasnt the only one not happy to who they were married too. To be so excited that someone else likes women more than men.

My heart broke when she told me she couldnt see me anymore. That her husband found out and was furious.

I was scared. Yet, it lit a new fuse in my soul to end this cycle because I had gotten a glimpse of what makes me happy and refused to do that game anymore. I wanted to go back to being that niave child playing out in the woods.

I wanted to go back to living free.

The day I left was the hardest decision I could have made. I had a home and a job and a bed. Now, I suddenly had nothing but two suitcases I could grab of my things and a plane ticket to my aunts house.

I had decided to restart my entire life. I wish I could go back sometimes and tell my younger self to love those moments more. I am constantly fighting with myself for how stupid I was to be convinced to mold myself to fit a man when I love women.

Im still coming to terms with myself. Its a battle I still face on year two but I stand by my decision to leave. I'll be happier with it one day.

I promised myself that.