The cage

The Cage

The rust on the white cage looked like dried blood.

- “Is the little bird hurt grandma?”- the wide-eyed girl said as a small gray bird chirped inside the cage.

- “No, it is not sweetie… but I was”-

The girl did not understand.

“-Now I´ll set it free and the little bird and me, we’ll both be fine”-

Eva still didn´t understand what her grandma was talking about, why does she catch birds and then set them free? What was the point?

Her grandma was always smiling and looked nice and happy, Eva wished she was like her grandmother.

Eva was rather shy, got sad and frustrated very often, had anxiety attacks and her parents didn´t like it.

Nobody did.

They wanted a happy cheerful girl; who wouldn´t?

She used to love going to her grandmother´s house but she could only go on Sundays, when her parents got the chance to take her.

Whenever she got there, she went to see the cage, she was always relieved when she didn’t see the birds there, she had the idea that somehow, the birds made her grandma sad.

-“One day, I will throw away that cage”- she thought once when she saw her grandma particularly upset and three birds were in the cage –“ That way, she will never be sad again”-

She never threw it away though, because grandma had told her that the cage was a secret between them and nobody knew that she freed the birds that got in there, so if she threw it away, grandma would know it had been her.

Her grandmother was a jewelry maker, Eva liked how calm and silent the house was; while grandma was in her studio Eva read books in a white sofa near the window, it was the best spot in the house, to her, the best spot in the world.

She also liked the company of Josh, her grandma’s helper.

He was 18 years old and had been Mrs. James apprentice for three years now, he used to deliver the newspaper; and one day, he finally got the courage to ask her to be her apprentice.

She didn’t really need one, but she liked Josh and knew that it was better for him to spend the afternoons there at her house than with his alcoholic father.

The brown-haired boy was always on time and the freckles on his nose seemed to shine whenever she asked him to give the last details to a piece.

-“Really Mrs. James? Can I do it?”-

She nodded and looked closely at the boy’s work, which got better by the week.

Eva had never met him since she only went on Sundays and Josh only went from Monday to Friday.

That is, until that Tuesday, when she finally got to go to her grandma’s house by herself.

Mrs. James introduced them and pretended not to notice when one day, Josh gave Eva a ring he made out of metal remains he had been collecting.

She did say something a week later.

-“That’s a nice ring Eva, I see Josh has become quite a craftsman”-

She blushed and covered the ring with her other hand.

Grandma held her by the shoulders and they both giggled.

Time passed and the day when Josh replaced that ring with a diamond one, finally came.

The day of the engagement party was kind of gloomy though, Eva had been having mood swings which were very hard to control, she suddenly felt anxious and scared, insecure and worthless, Josh always made sure she knew how much she cared about her and she knew it.

- “What is wrong with me? - she told herself over and over- “I will ruin this, I know it, and I can’t stop myself”-

She tried all the things she could think of, something has got to work, she was determined to fix it.

- “Eva, the guests are coming; help me set the table”- said her mom while looking herself on a silver platter.

Eva could hear the chatting coming from the living room, there were mostly Josh’s and her parent’s friends; she had never been the friendly type, she was rather shy.

Grandma’s house was beautiful, it wasn´t that big but it had all the beauty of the early 20´s, a great garden and a beautiful 1957 white Oldsmobile that Eva´s father liked to casually take out from the garage to “check the engine” whenever guests were arriving.

Eva was setting the table when she saw a little bird flying in the next room, she went there to catch it, she was sure it was one of grandma´s bird, when she got to the room grandma was already there.

- “Let it go sweetie, it´s okay”-

- “But grandma…-”

The doorbell rang and grandma put on the table a beautiful rose bouquet she had in her hands.

She touched Eva´s shoulder softly as she rushed to open the door and the little bird flew straight out of the window.

After all guests and her parents were gone, Eva went to her grandma´s bedroom, the door was slightly open and Eva knocked.

- “Just a moment!”-

Through the half-opened door, Eva saw her grandma opening the door of the cage and a little bird flying away.

- “Come in”- said grandma with a soft voice.

- “Hi grandma... are you okay?”-

- “Could you close the door please? And come sit with me”-

Eva closed the door and got a little nervous, grandma was never so serious.

- “Listen sweetie, I want to tell you something about the cage”- she took a deep breath and put the cage between them – “I want to give you this cage…”-

Eva wanted to say something but didn´t know what.

Grandma was acting like she was giving her the most precious thing of all; but to Eva, it was just an empty, old, useless cage, she didn´t even like birds that much, but she knew how much that cage meant to her grandmother, she never let anybody touch it.

- “Thanks grandma”- Eva took it but grandma didn´t let it go.

- “Of course, you´ll get the house too, I mean, you can´t take this cage out of the house.”-

Eva felt as if the recently freed bird got into her stomach.

- “What?!! Grandma no!!”-

- “Who am I going to give it to? Your mother? God knows I love my daughter, but she is not like us”- she grabbed Eva´s sweaty hands– “I´ll tell you how it works”- she put Eva´s hands on the cage.

- “Think about how you will feel when they know this house is yours”-

- “Okay”- she said still nervous as she closed her eyes and tried to play the game.

- “No Eva!”- Think about it!... Really think about it…”-

She closed her eyes and this time, she actually thought about letting mother and father know that grandma left the house to her…

Their disappointed faces were the first thing she saw… disapproving and bitter comments… maybe they were right… what was she going to do with that house? She didn’t deserve it.

No, grandma´s decision was wrong, very wrong!

She opened her eyes, her breathing was accelerating.

- “No grandma, don ´t leave it to me, I beg you! I ´ll ruin it! I’ll ruin everything!”- her lower lip trembling.

“-Look”- said grandma ignoring her pleas and pointing at the cage that Eva was hugging tightly; a little bird was fluttering inside.

Eva took her hands away from the cage, stood up and walked a few steps back.

- “You have to release it”- said grandma with a deep voice uncommon in her.

- “What´s the point?! That ´s stupid grandma!”-

- “JUST RELEASE IT!”-

Eva ran to the cage and opened the door; the bird flew out of the window.

She felt as if something had been lifted from her, she took a deep breath, a really deep breath and grabbed each of her arms with the opposite hands as if she was hugging herself, turned to her grandma who was still sitting on the bed.

- “People like us are not good at controlling themselves and what we feel turns against us”-

Eva sat next to her grandmother and she held her hands.

- “This cage will help you release those things… just be careful, as much as they seem like a burden, you do need them, you need those feelings, that´s why they keep coming back… let them come back.”-

Eva didn’t quite grasp what just happened but went to bed and slept all through the night, she didn´t wake up at 3:00 a.m. as usual, when her eyes opened, she felt almost like a new person.

She didn’t feel like she was drowning and gasping for air, everything seemed bright and hopeful.

It could have been as she just got her wish granted.

That is, if grandma hadn ´t died three days later.

After the funeral, Eva and Josh came back to the house, she took off her shoes and ran up to the bedroom, the cage was there but no bird inside, she cried bitterly.

How come there were no birds if she felt like something just died inside of her? How does this thing work?!

She hit the cage with her foot, it fell loudly and landed on a corner, she fell on the floor helplessly.

A soft chirping sound made her turn and walk to the corner, she lifted a piece of cloth that had fell on the cage and there it was: a little bird, flipping its wings and jumping from one side to the other.

She sat next to the cage and looked at the bird for a little while, she opened the door and it flew away, she immediately felt freed from the oppression in her heart, she still felt sad but not an uncontrollable crippling sadness, she could breathe now and didn´t feel as if her head was going to explode.

She felt calmed… sad, but calmed.

She picked up the cage and hanged it again, next to the window.

As time passed, she gained confidence knowing that there was something she could do to ease herself, the hidden monster inside her, was just a little bird she had to set free, she eventually used the cage less and less.

Eventually, the cage ended up in the basement.

When Josh and Eva got married in a quiet ceremony, her parents were still visibly upset about Eva getting the house, but she didn’t give it much thought.

Things went better than well for a while; that is until she felt the monster coming back.

Josh did not like that, but then again, who did?

He felt as if it was his responsibility to “fix” her, it wasn´t, but he took it as a personal failure.

The flaw was right there and beyond his reach to fix, no matter how hard he tried.

She noticed how he felt as he became distant and spent more time away from home.

One day, she decided to go downstairs to get for the cage, when she found it, it had three birds inside, she took it upstairs to grandma´s bedroom next to her window and let them out, then locked the door and laid on the dark wooden floor.

That night when Josh came back, he found her happy and color had come back to her face, everything seemed to go well and it was like that for a few days, until she felt overwhelmed again, they were on vacation so she didn´t have the cage.

- “It´s like you´re a different person now, it is exhausting having to deal with it, why don´t you just get a grip?”-

He left and she stayed in the hotel room.

Yes, every therapist she had seen had told her that, it was in her own power to fix it.

She knew she didn´t have to overthink everything, she knew she had to relax and count her blessings and be happy and hopeful and sugar and spice and everything nice.

Okay.

But how do you do it?!

As soon as they came back home, she ran to what used to be her grandma´s bedroom and was mad to see two little birds inside the cage.

- “Why don ´t you just go?! Why do you keep coming back?! You are turning me into a monster!!”-

She felt the rage building up inside, those birds were ruining her life, if they could just disappear everything would be okay.

She opened the door of the cage, but didn´t let them out.

 She took one of the birds and tightened her grasp until it no longer moved, she dropped the lifeless bird and it fell along with a bunch of loose feathers, took the other and did the same.

There! peace at last.

Blissful days followed until again her uncontrollably fears and anxiety came back.

- “There is no way to deal with you! It is almost impossible to be in the same room! Why can´t you just be normal!”- Josh just snapped at her.

She started crying, mostly out of despair, she had always had the same question: Why? Why can ´t I just be normal?

He mimicked her crying, he had been cruel to her lately; who could blame him? He had been placed in a situation he didn´t ask for.

- “What, you cry now and everything is supposed to be fine?”- he said as he took a beer and sat down to watch tv.

She ran upstairs and went to grandma´s room again, there it was, the damn little bird again.

She locked the door and looked at the bird, took it and didn´t stop holding it tight until it no longer moved.

What if she destroyed the cage? No, then those birds would be locked up in her head; and how would she take them out of there?

No, she had to be ready, the minute she felt something she would not convince herself she could handle it; she had to get rid of all those birds.

It had to end someday.

Things were a little smoother the next days, although she felt like she was sedated, not a bad feeling, but sometimes she had to fake excitement or surprise.

- “Grandma was wrong, it is better to get rid of them than letting them go and then have them coming back over and over.”-

Unfortunately, for some reason, things didn ´t go as well as she thought, things were a little tense at home as she was always “numbed”, she used to fake being calmed and in total control, now she had to fake emotions, it seemed that she never got it right.

One night, Josh was trying to fix an oil lamp hanging from the ceiling of the kitchen, it had been there since the house was built and it didn´t have a lightbulb, he found it annoying as they had to change the oil often and the light wasn´t that good.

- “Hi, how was your day?”- she said, even smiling and everything, although she didn’t feel like it.

There hadn ´t been birds in the cage for months.

- “Give me that screwdriver”- said Josh, ignoring the question.

She looked at the screwdriver on the kitchen counter and then at him.

- “You should turn that thing off before putting more oil in it”-

Josh made a frown and said in a tone:

- “Just make yourself useful and give me that screwdriver”-

She turned around and walked away, he cursed and tried to reach the screwdriver himself but lost balance, he tried to hold on to the lamp but the rope that it was hanging from, ripped and he fell down.

A sound of glass breaking and the stair falling down made Eva go back to the kitchen.

- “He better had not broken that lamp”- she thought.

 When she opened the kitchen door, she saw him on the floor, the whole scene was gut-wrenching but she just sighted and made a disapproval gesture.

A piece of glass was incrusted in Josh's neck and he was bleeding profusely, the blood reminded her of the rust in the cage.

He couldn´t speak but looked at her in agony; the curtains caught in fire as the oil had splattered all over them.

- “I told you to put the light off before changing the oil”- Eva said emotionless.

She walked away and went upstairs, she didn´t take off her clothes, she just laid on the bed.

- “Probably grandma was right about the birds, I shouldn´t have killed them all”-

She turned off the light and closed her eyes while the fire slowly consumed the entire house.