7 Months

There are a lot of assertions about time. It heals all wounds, it’s the most valuable thing, it’s money, but perhaps the most potent is that it waits for no one. It’s true, unfortunately, that you could be looking ahead for the greatest moments of your life, but then time cruelly takes them away from you. The life you thought you’d live can disappear within a fraction of a second. I never gave much thought to the concept of time, until it was made apparent that I didn’t have a lot of it left. 7 months- are you sure? Nobody is ever sure.

I refused hospice. I knew that if I was going to die within 7 months that it had to be out on a sunny riverbank somewhere. I refuse to die in some dingy hospital, although at this rate I might keel over at a bus bench. I’m no one extravagant, but anything is better than a hospital. My mother spent what were supposed to be her best years of her life being poked and prodded at one hospital after the next, and it took a toll on our entire family. She had a lot of things take time away from her, my father, brother, sister, myself, and then finally her sickness. She never got to go out and live.

Her death rocked our family to the core. I was the youngest at 14, my sister 16, and older brother 21. It was the usual, my father didn’t know how to handle himself so he threw himself into 14 hour workdays. Charlie, my brother, was long out of the house and developed a drinking problem, and my sister Meredith became a shell for the next year. That left me to become… Nothing, really. I had to console myself, the youngest daughter left to her own devices, forgotten about.

Being 14, I bounced back relatively quickly compared to my family. I had decided at the time that I was going to live life to the fullest, something that caught on with Meredith after her year of sulking. She was closer to mom than I was, something I had been jealous about previously. We slowly became thick as thieves, the only two people in the household to give one another attention, care about our grades, our social lives, our futures. We were jumping for joy the day she got her acceptance into Columbia.

That’s when we naturally went our separate ways. I fumbled around for a bit with community college, before deciding to go to New York University for an English degree. We saw each other often, and even sent letters down the road while we were at school. We were in a quaint cafe one day and she told me about some boy that sat next to her in History. I hadn’t seen her eyes glisten like that since mom was alive, so that’s how I knew they’d be married before she even had a first date.

Life was going smoothly. Charlie was checked into a rehab facility, and my father was pursuing his life-long interest in painting. Meredith was falling in love, and I was going to school with the purpose of becoming an acclaimed author. It was spring for us, we were all in full-bloom. It lasted a couple years too, the bubble of bliss.

I was finishing my last 3 months at NYU when I got an unusual letter from Meredith.

Dearest Sister,

You know I told you William and I were trying right? It turns out there’s an issue- a complication the doctor said. I didn’t want to worry you when you last saw me, you had that big mid-year test on your mind. A week after we met I got the news I was pregnant. They said I needed a lot of rest, my bloodwork kept coming back weak and out of sorts… I spoke with Father and he got this look on his face, and Bev I haven’t seen him so grave since… Y’know… So I tried getting it out of him, but he wouldn’t budge. He left the house and I sent Willy after him.

Willy followed him all the way to the bar across the cemetery. That’s where he said he got all emotional and had this big heart-heart with him. I don’t want to tell you this, but, the first time mom got really sick was when she was pregnant with you. She barely made it, and the doctors told her if she got pregnant again it might end her life. She was older and her body was changing, so nobody thought she was fertile anymore. Beverly, the reason she died was because she was carrying a baby. They wouldn’t terminate even if it could save her life.

I’m scared, Bev, what if that happens to me? Willy and I want this child more than anything in the world, how could life be this cruel? I should be fine right? Just need to rest, and limit the time on my feet, that’s what the doctor says. Please don’t worry about me, I know I said some pretty worrying stuff, but please don’t trouble yourself. I’m 4 months along now, plenty of time to let the little guy grow big and strong. Willy and I just know it’s going to be a boy. I think we will name him Wesley, after his grandfather on mother’s side. I just know we’ll all love this little miracle boy! I just have to get through these next 5 months and it will all be worth it Bev. I’ll have just one child and I’ll devote all my love to him- all of it. You’ll love him too right? You’ve gotta love him Bev. You, Willy, Charlie, and Father, you all gotta love him, okay?

Regards,

Meredith

When I finished reading the letter there was a sudden burst of anger that shot through my body, and I flung the thing across the room. What was she talking about? It had to be hormonal nonsense at the end, otherwise what does she mean “you all gotta love him?”

You’re gonna love him so much, what are you going on about Mer? I paced the room for an hour, going over every possible meaning she could have, and then going through every possible scenario that could happen. We were supposed to be living our happy ending, so I had to stop thinking the worst.

Two weeks after I got the letter I was finally able to make it out to Meredith’s place. After they graduated they moved out of the city about an hour, towards back home, and since then I haven’t been able to see them as much. They knew I was coming, so I was greeted with Meredith’s bloated body at the door. She said she was retaining more water than the average pregnant woman, so I shouldn’t stare at her. I really couldn’t take my eyes off of her either, but only because she was actually glowing. It was hard to believe that the pregnancy was causing any strain at all, or she was hiding it well.

She got settled on the daybed in their living room, and waved Willy out to fetch us tea. I pulled at a loose thread on my sleeve, apprehensive about starting a conversation, because I knew I would only stress her with my questions. She cleared her throat.

“Willy’s worried since I’m pregnant right now with all the pollen that we’ll have a hay fever baby… Honestly, he’s such a worrywart… Hay fever baby?” She giggled.

Maybe you guys should be more worried. I fought against voicing what I truly thought.

“Aww, living out here as a country bumpkin will make him a hay baby alright, just without the fever part. He’ll probably be a little hellion just like Charlie, remember Father’s stories?” I kept it light.

“Yes, yes he said Charlie would run around naked in the neighbors yards, giving the whole street a free show, before he would end up jumping in the fishing pond right? He’d scare all the trout, the carp, and what were the other ones- the pice?”

“The pike.” I corrected her. She smiled that warm, thankful Meredith smile. You always felt the gratitude radiate off of her. She’s the type of person who’s thankful just to have you around.

“The pike… Oh! Before I forget, and I am super forgetful these days, do tell me how it’s going with... Clarence, was it?” Leave it to Mer to completely sidetrack my mind. I wanted to spend the time with her finding out any detail I could about the pregnancy. I was doing my best to try and dissuade her from the topic of my love life, but my hands started sweating and my cheeks betrayed me once his face entered my thoughts.

“Clarence! Oh yeah, he’s got his hook in you doesn’t he, you’re starting to look like a stewed tomato, out with it!” She gave my shoulder a playful push and I had no choice but to spill my feelings. My cautious pregnancy questions were put on hold. Once I started talking about Clarence I forgot about the reason I came. He was different from any other man I had encountered during my time in school. Poised, but not pampered. Dignified, but not egotistical. He wasn’t trying to be anybody he wasn’t. I got done gushing about all of his magnificent qualities, and could tell by the look on my sister’s face that something was awry.

“What- Why are you looking at me like that?” I looked down, maybe something was on my blouse?

“I’ve just never heard you speak so… So candidly about a man like that before. Usually the men in your life aren’t worth their salt… Or you have… High standards for men.” She chose her words carefully. I could tell she must have been reading the book I sent her at night. It was true, there hadn’t been any man in my life thus far who had been able to keep up with me the way Clarence has. That’s across the board too.

“If you want candid, I’m going to marry that man someday.” The words left my lips before I even thought them up. This brought probably the largest smile to Meredith’s face I’d ever seen. After that it was difficult to remember why exactly I made my visit, and we spent the rest of the evening drinking tea together in the golden glow of the setting sun. Everything was glowing that spring.

~

The next 3 months I was buried in books. I spent what time I did have getting acquainted with Clarence, playing footsie underneath the library tables. We had been going steady for a little over a month once it came time to graduate, although he was a year out from it himself. I planned to stay in the city and apprentice at a printing press, and let whatever happens, happen with him. There would definitely be a proposal, anyone with eyes could see how smitten he was with me, and I with him.

I had a couple of months free before the apprenticeship, so I decided to stay in the countryside with my sister. Her baby would be due in just over a month, and I heard just how terrible the first throes of motherhood were. I hope I’d be the saving grace she and Willy would need for sleep.

It was refreshing to leave the city again. The smell of fresh cut grass lingered in the air, the blue expansive sky seemed limitless, and flower petals danced along in the breeze with me as I walked. Willy and Mer only lived about a 15 minute walk away from the train station, but something made me take my time that day. I collected every wildflower that reminded me of Mer, something to brighten up the house and welcome the baby with.

When I got to Meredith’s it was like someone had ripped the sun right out of the sky. Immediately I could tell something was off; the local doctor’s van was parked out front, one of the back doors left ajar. I got closer to take a look when I was startled by a shriek from inside the house. A shiver ran across my body and I dropped the flowers. I bolted inside, nearly tearing the hinges off the door, and rushed to where I now could make out Meredith’s cries.

The scene I walked into was Hell, it looked like I had stepped into a slasher film. The daybed where we once gossiped and sipped tea was almost soaked through with blood, and towels and rags were sopping with it everywhere. Willy was sitting in the corner, his head in his hands, and the midwife was holding something next to my sister while the doctor was working on her. Meredith was never the tannest person, but right now she was looking close to ghostly with how pale she was. Her eyes finally caught mine, and instantly they filled with what looked like relief.

“You’re here!” She gasped out between labored breaths. I heard the doctor then curse at something under his breath, but I shifted my focus back to Mer.

“He- He’s beautiful… Give him… Please.” Meredith grabbed for what the midwife was holding, and hesitantly she obliged. Her hair was plastered against her sweaty forehead, so I leaned over to brush it away and get a closer look. My heart broke. It hadn’t gotten through to Meredith yet, but now I understood why all William could do was sit in the corner. I shared a somber look with the midwife, glanced back down at the doctor, and then pulled my attention back to Mer.

“Gorgeous.” I managed to choke out with a nod. The doctor stopped his work and went to speak with William. Willy looked defeated by the words. It was then that I felt defeated by everything. Willy silently stepped over to the two of us and the other two left the room. There was an unspoken understanding between the three of us at that moment, even if Meredith wasn’t consciously aware of it. She started humming the lullaby our mother used to for us, Goodnight Children Everywhere, and rocked baby Wesley back and forth. Tears silently fell down our faces.

“Tho' you are far away, she's with you night and day…” Then silence. William coughed and sputtered a bit before quickly leaving the room. I could hear the contents of his stomach leaving him in the bathroom. I sobbed violently now, her eyes were already closed and the two had the most peaceful expressions. What just happened? Somehow I found a clean sheet, and with shaky hands I laid it over top of them. I walked out of the room dry heaving, my chest closing up with each second. I shut the door behind me and just stood outside of the room.

~

I’ve been standing outside the room ever since then. Clarence had become my guiding light, and for a while I couldn’t bring myself to leave his company. A few months later and my own health took a turn for the worse. I would wake covered in sweat, my menstruation would go on for weeks, my stomach would cramp at every hour, and despite how long I slept I always felt tired. It was at Clarence’s behest that I finally went to the hospital.

They ran tests. I left. I came back for more tests. I left. Called in again. Left. Called in to sit with the head of oncology. Left with the news that I have 7 months left. It had to be some form of ovarian cancer they said, especially given my family history. It was already travelling through my lymph nodes, where soon it would spread to my liver. I allowed my abundance of sadness to fester, and flashes of what happened that day flickered through my mind. Poor Willy might be dead in a ditch somewhere, we hadn’t heard from him since.

It was then that I reached a moment of clarity. I had to live what life I had left not only for myself, but for my sister and my mother. Neither of them knew they had an expiration date, and therefore pushed off any plans of seeing Niagara Falls, or the Grand Canyon. I also knew that I couldn’t put Clarence through the loss of the love of his life, so I had to become someone different in his story. I had to break it off.

Charlie was off the rails again somewhere in California now, and Father was 2 years in on a 3 year fishing expedition. He, out of all of us, knew how to live the most. I wouldn’t have to worry about either of them, and I forfeited my apprenticeship. I had enough cash saved up to coast along for at least a year of travelling, and so that’s exactly what I did. Whenever I felt up to it I would go somewhere and talk with Meredith in my head. She loved the lobsters in Maine. I just wrote about my travels, my experiences, and Meredith. Now and then I caught myself writing letters I would never send to Clarence.

Time is fascinating, isn’t it Meredith? You never know how much you have. It could be any day now. After all, time doesn’t wait for anyone.