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Fiction Funny

Don Vito Luchesi

The Sicilian Social Club

Jersey City, New Jersey

May 14, 2020

Dear Don Vito:

It is with great respect that we are forced to complain - Eddie McGinty still walks upon this earth. In other words, he remains alive as of today’s date. The services of your organization came highly recommended to us, and it was with incredible difficulty we raised the five thousand dollars necessary to rectify this problem. It took us over two years of "borrowing" money from our cookie sales to acquire sufficient cash to purchase the services of your previously well-regarded organization.

Therefore, we request that your organization speedily fulfill the contract agreed upon at The Leaning Tower of Pizza in Metuchen three weeks ago.

Sincerely,

Troop 431

Girl Scouts of America

Edison, NJ

***

May 20, 2020

Dear Troop 431:

In my forty-seven years as a made man, I have never received no complaint before. I am at a loss to explain how to respond, being you is just little goils, and I is the most powerful man on da New Joisy waterfront.

I have put my two bestest guys on the case. As soon as we identify this Eddie McGinty, we will have him whacked, per our agreement.

Vito Luchesi

Businessman

***

Don Vito Luchesi

The Sicilian Social Club

Jersey City, New Jersey

June 6, 2020

Dear Don Vito:

Far be it for us to disparage the quality of your employees, but Eddie McGinty is still alive. Yesterday, he boldly assaulted Tiffany Steele, a member of our organization, and made her cry. Please speed up your work on this contract. Either hire additional quality personnel, or we will be forced to take our business to a competing organization.

Anxiously,

Troop 431

Girl Scouts of America

Edison, NJ

***

July 2, 2020

Dear Troop 431:

My guys have not been able to ID the miscreant, Eddie McGinty. We have checked da driver’s license bureau, where we usually get pictures of da guys we gonna whack. Is he from outta state, even though you says he lives in Edison? Does any of youse goils have a photo my guys can use?

Vito Luchesi

Businessman

***

Don Vito Luchesi

The Sicilian Social Club

Jersey City, New Jersey

August 4, 2020

Mr. Luchesi:

As we told you at our original meeting, he can be found in the neighborhood vicinity of Prime Elementary School, where he chases little girls. We don’t know where he lives. The Principal, Ms. Phillips, calls him “Edward McGinty,” but we heard an older man refer to him as “Ted.”

Please make our contract a priority. It is unacceptable five months have elapsed since you agreed to the contract and pocketed our money.

Expectantly yours,

Troop 431

Girl Scouts of America

Edison, NJ

***

August 14, 2020

Dear Troop 431:

We done whacked a Ted McGinty in Short Hills as he was the only one we coulda find. Hope this takes care of youse problems.

Vito Luchesi

Businessman

***

Don Vito Luchesi

The Sicilian Social Club

Jersey City, New Jersey

September 14, 2020

Dear Don Vito:

Your inaction on Eddie McGinty is inexplicable to us. You have had the contract since Spring, and now it is September. Yesterday, he returned from camp, where upon he tied Melissa Johnson to the swings by her braids in the playground during recess.

As your organization has proven inept, we have been forced to dispose of him ourselves. We cut the "evidence" into small bits and burned them in some big industrial ovens in Hoboken. I wouldn’t eat any Girl Scout cookies for a while, if we were you.

Expecting a prompt return of our money,

Disappointedly,

Troop 431

Girl Scouts of America

Edison, NJ

***

Vito Luchesi

The Sicilian Social Club

Jersey City, New Jersey

October 7, 2020

Hey Vito:

Why you no-a return our money, you no-a-good deadbeat. If we don’t get it in one-a week, we take-a action.

Capisce,

Troop 431

Girl Scouts of America

Edison, NJ

***

Transcript: March 19, 2021 – Criminal Court, Trenton, NJ

Sworn Testimony of FBI Special Agent William Johnson of the Organized Crime Task Force: “I’m afraid, your honor, that I cannot tell you with any certainty from whom we received these letters implicating the Vito Lucheesi crime family in the disappearances of both Ted McGinty and Eddie McGinty, no relation. The documents were delivered to our office here in Jersey City on November 12th in an empty Girl Scout cookie box. The box had been wiped clean of all fingerprints. However, our lab has confirmed the handwriting on the documents as that of Vito Luchesi.” (Pointing at the defendant)

Don Vito Luchesi: “I didn’t do it. Them goils did it. Sure, we took the contract an-a got paid, but we never did the hit, I mean, the second hit. Them goils killed the second guy before we could find him.”

Judge Oberon: “What goils? I mean ‘girls?’”

Don Vito Luchesi: “Why, Girl Scouts. Troop 431 from Edison.”

Judge to Don Vito’s attorney, Vincent Scalapini: “Is your client going for an insanity defense?”

Vincent Scalipini: “Not that I know of, your honor.” 

***

April 24, 2021

Dear Troop 431:

Please accept this here contract on one Louie “the Lip” Linguini. He hangs out at the Eager Beaver Gentlemen's Lounge on Route 1. Enclosed find a bank check in the amount of $5,000.

Your friend,

Carlo Langostino

Businessman, former associate of Vito Luchesi

***

Ms. Eudora Gleason

Executive Director

Girl Scouts of America

Washington, DC

May 15, 2021

Dear Ms. Gleason:

We, the members of Troop 431 in Edison, New Jersey, will not be participating in the Girl Scout cookie sales campaign this year. We have found a more lucrative fund-raising device. We have already made $5,000 and have more orders coming in.

On another subject, we have learned that knowing how to write a “Complaint letter” and a “Thank you note" using formats from the Girl Scout Manual, can be very useful.

Sincerely,

Troop 431

Girl Scouts of America

Edison, NJ

August 18, 2023 16:53

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