ONLINE THOUSAND-WORD HEADACHE

Welcome online ! Thanks for reading this entry, as your interest is important to us. Your eyes, as they are now reading these words, will be videotaped for quality service and training purposes. To continue reading in English, Press ONE. Para seguir leyendo en español, apriete DOS. For Sanskrit, press THREE. For Igpay Atin-Lay, Press FOUR. If you wish to speak to a live human being, press FIVE.

If, after pressing FIVE, you find yourself connected with a representative with foreign voice that you have trouble understanding, you may hang up and re-dial in what will likely become a futile attempt to be connected to a live human being holding at least a high school degree.

Thanks for pressing FIVE. All representatives are busy helping other readers. We appreciate your patience. Your wait time is between fifteen and twenty minutes. If, rather than waiting on this page with a full bladder, you’d rather we contacted you, then Press SIX and wait for the prompts to record your name and phone number.

Pressing SIX means you’ll be taking the risk that you might be disconnected (and thus required to start over) or be successfully shunted over to an agent who speaks too fast or slurs her words or who tells you that your concerns are not handled in her department down there in Turkey Gizzard, Tennessee.

Thanks for pressing SIX. You have reached the desk of Cherylanne Diskoff. I’m sorry, but I’m away from my desk and will not be returning to the office until next Saturday. My Office Hours are Monday to Wednesday 9:00 to 3:00 or Tuesday to Thursday from 11:00 to 5:00, Pacific Standard Time. If you’d rather speak to someone right now, Press SEVEN, or just stay on the line to wait for an agent. And while you’re waiting for an agent to help you, you may listen to Gotta-Have-One Kitchen Gadget’s specially recorded HOLD music with songs sung by our own native country singer, Alvin “Buzzy” Richards.

Hi. You must’ve have pressed the SEVEN button, didn’t you ! Well, my name is Eddie Skedzielewski. I’m an Administrative Assistant with Gotta-Have-One Kitchen Gadgets for the Home here in Memphis. How can I make this a better day for you? Youze say you want a supervisor to complain about the crappy kitchen device we sent you? Aw, so sorry youze weren’t 100% satisfied with our Nev’r-Fail Yolk-and-Egg-White-Separator. Why, sure thing ! I’ll need to transfer your to a Reading Supervisor, but before youze can speak with her, perhaps I can help.

Whuh? Whuzzat ? Whuddya say? Youze want me to say my name again? Why, it’s Eddie Skedzielewski. That’s "S" as in Succotash, "K" as in Knucklehead, "E" as in Effeminate, "D" as in Destitute, "Z" as in Xylophone—oh, sorry—I mean "Z" as in Zebra My bad ! Ha Ha! "I" as in Imbecile, "E" as in Elephant, "L" as in Lamentable, "E" as in Elephant, "W" as in Wuss, "S" as in Slovenly, "K" as in Knucklehead again, and "I" as in Incorrigible. Now, I’ll save us both time and try and transfer youze to my supervisor Annabelle Baumholtz.

But just in case we get disconnected, I’ll have her call you back. I see yer number here as Area Code 302-901-0901. Now, I need to place you on a HOLD for a second or two while I find our Lead Supervisor Miss Baumholtz to help youze. But should youze get disconnected from us, youze can enjoy our amplified Hard Rock music. Transferring online to Annabelle’s computer…

Hi there ! This here is Annabelle in Customer Service. I’m Lead Supervisor trained in assisting callers with any issues concerning our product line of “Gotta-Have-One Kitchen Gadgets for the Home.” Seen from your phone Line at 302-901-0901, I reckon I’m talking with Mr. Wilbur Doober of Vineland, New Jersey. Zat right? Well there now. How are things today in Vineland, Sir? And tell me how I can be of optimum assistance to you today. A problem with our product, you say? You say your eggs don’t separate the right way ? That the white part and the yolk just slop together in the bowl ? That you’ve wasted a dozen eggs trying to get them to separate ? Well, at Gotta-Have-One Customer Service LIne, we guarantee replacement of any of our kitchen gadgets with any manufacturing defects. Let’s see now, our records show that you, Mr. Doober, decided last November not to purchase the Extended Warranty on our “Nev’r Fail Yolk-and-Egg Separator.” Zat right, Mr. Doober?

You say you can’t remember? Well, our records show that your One Year Warranty on our Egg Separator expired last Tuesday, but just because you’re one of our valued customers, I’ll override the regulations and re-issue our product # 34908-YUK. Lessee now. I have your address as 1247 East Western Avenue, Vineland, New Jersey. Whuzzat? Oh, sorry. You say that’s 1247 East Westend Avenue. I see. I’ll correct that on our records, Mr. Doober. You say to include Apartment E-6 for the delivery. Right-O. Got that. And the Apartment House name, too. We have you at Grand Garden Court Condominiums. Not right? Oh, that’s Grant Kardon Court. Got it. I’ve fixed that. So!

Now that’s Mr. Wilbur Doober, Apartment E-6 of Grant Kardon Court Condominiums at 1247 East Westend Avenue, Vineland, New Jersey 08360-5717. Zat right? Okay, fine. We’ll have a brand new Egg Separator sent to your home right straight away, Sir. But just so you know: it takes two to three business days to process the paperwork. Then that gets transferred to our Denver, Colorado Transfer Department, after which it gets sent by UPS which——let’s see now——from Denver to Vineland’s Zip Code of 08360 will mean an additional four days. Understood?

Now sir, would you be willing to fill out our four-minute Customer Survey Checklist as to your satisfaction with today’s online experience? You say you can't spend the time to give us that feedback ? You say because you have to use the Little Boy’s Room? Well, then take good care. ByeBye.