Facing My Fears

Hi My name is Katie and this is my new journal I need to write my thoughts out because I might blow up

DEC 0th 7:30am

The air is freezing and everything is freshly coated in snow!!! The last thing I want to do is go out. let alone go skate on top of the ice 5 days before the worst holiday, at least in my opinion, known to man. Christmas. UGH I so much dislike like this holiday soooo much !! Why does Ashley and her Boyfriend have to make me go!! This skating party was making my anxiety go off the hook I could not do it.

OH MY GOSH JOURNAL 11:15am

its almost time for the skating party...

I can NOT believe my Family and friends all love this holiday, do not get me wrong its nice and all some times but to be honest this year I am so so tired of any holiday having to do with being jolly and merry, this year has not been a great year and I am done faking to be happy when I clearly and most certainly am not. I know hissing at humans is looked down upon but this afternoon that's what I did

Ash and Charles told me I do not scare them nor do I scare anyone as everyone just started to bust out laughing. I guess when I hiss I look funny or something.

This is what happened after I hissed at the crowd.

Journal oh my gosh I am so embarrassed!!

My sister came up to me and whispered " You're BETTER THAN THIS, why do you insist on embarrassing yourself my sister pleaded with me. I rolled my eyes and I told her that I just hated Christmas. I pleaded with her to understand why. I knew she knew why I disliked this holiday so much.

Heck, all of our family Now just tries to get through another year without our best friend and brother. You see, I never told you this journal but a couple years ago about 2 months ago from today my brother Donnie passed away. He committed suicide, he was a freshman in highschool and he got hazed and bullied way to much. Mom and dad tried putting him in therapy and when that did not work they tried to give him medicine. He was fine after a few months and more stabilized....

One day I just heard the loudest scream I ever heard my sister scream. I ran to her side to find my brother Don...Dead on the floor. That day was the longest day in my entire life and I still have not fully gotten over this and to write about it is all I know how to do

Hey journal, 12:20pm

Later that day Ash and I talked she understood my apprehension in going and we agreed that we both hate this holiday because of what happened to our brother, everything surrounding holidays seemed bleak. But we also agreed that staying home and crying/ feeling sorry for ourselves was a bad idea especially isolating our selves and feeling alone... an all to familiar feeling of what we have done in the past.

Hey Journal 1:00pm

I have no clue why but for my sister I just sucked it up and went on the trip. I reluctantly joined my sister and her boyfriends side as we boarded the bus. My heart was pounding, being in public proved to spike my anxiety to an all time high. All my brain could think was people, crowded, loud, too much. I held my breath for a minute and then let it out. I sat down and began to take in more of my surroundings. Once I could focus on certain things my anxiety tucked away and I began to just observe quietly.

Dear Journal, 1:30pm

I am bored so I am going to observe this bus full of people

Ashley and Charles- Omg they look so happy like they never get to go out like this because they both work really long hours. I am really happy they get to spend this time together journal. I am getting happier than I was earlier that I decided to come on this trip I have never seen ash so happy. :)

Our brothers death proved to take Ashley down a dark winding pathway. Until she met Charles, he seemed to be her healer, or he provided a way for her to help herself heal. I was always jealous that she found someone, but knew I was to young anyways 16 is way to young for love in my opinion.

I look around the train taking in my surroundings a bit more calm now. I imagined my brother Donnie being with me at this very moment. I closed my eyes and allowed my imagination to be limitless. I felt Donnie as weird as it sounds and knew that I had to be on this trip, somehow I just knew Donnie would be here if he was still alive and then with a sigh of relief I was finally happy to be out on the holidays!

Dear Journal, 3:15pm

I am sitting here on the bench watching everyone ice skate. I spent almost 2 hours skating with Ashley, Charles and my other friend Crystal- it was AMAZING. I can not believe that I almost stopped myself from this amazing experience. In the moment that I realized missing out on this would have been comfortable, but not the thing I really wanted, I feel deeper into a mind of thankfulness.

Dear Journal 6:50pm

Wow what a wonderful day, I am still in a grateful mindset...without today I may have still been stuck in a rut of sadness and depression, but because I came together with friends and family to just be I feel much more safe and connected to them like I never have before. The rest of the ice skating trip was heavenly and the after hangout was so fun. We went to a restaurant called Wild Buffalo Bills. We watched the food we ordered being prepared right before our eyes. A great ending to the perfect day.

All because I took a chance, it turned out to be fun.