Breaking the Barrier

“Are you coming tonight?”

An awkward pause ensues.

“It would be fun! Almost all of them will likely show up. We haven’t pulled this off prior, and I bet we can never pull off something like this again! You’ll be missing out a lot!”

“Bro… I’d love to but….”

“.…but what?”

“Let me finish first, geez!”, this is not the first time that he does this to me, as he has this habit of doing this to others too, “But….I….have some….errands….. to take care of. Personal ones. Wish I could tell what they are but as I said, personal.”

“Mo, why do you be like this? I ain’t no idiot! I could tell it the first time and now it’s like what, the millionth time? How pathetic!”

I could not help myself, I mean. His enthusiasm at the moment makes it hard for me to think clear and straight for me to concoct a crooked, deceitful pretext!

“You said the same during our first hangout long back, when it barely was a month since we were classmates. You said it again during that break before the second semester began. And the subsequent breaks between every semester, after. You said the same back whenever there was an inter-college symposium. As was the response the same, during a fair that was held in our college at the beginning of this year. The response was not any different either, whenever me and the boys invite you for a game night. Or for any hangouts, really.”

“Well, did I say the same phrase for every event that you’ve listed out? In some cases, I could not show up due to feeling ill, other times I was broke and some other times the plan got canceled…”

“Don’t you play smart with me, Moses!”, as he closes his eyes, turns his head slightly to pause, “That’s not the point. Every time we invite you, you always have a response ready. Which gives me the impression that you’re making excuses.”, as he opens his eyes and turns his head back to me.

“I find it hard to believe that you tend to be conveniently occupied with something, every time we approach you for something or somewhere. This nonsense has been going for 4 years now, Mo. 4 YEARS!!”

If you could only understand why I couldn’t show up in all those instances and why I cannot come tonight...

“Please, Mo. What is it that’s bothering you? You hate me? You can’t stand my friends? Our friends? You told me that you were broke once to not show up? Is this the case this time too? Has it been always the case? Today, I’ll pay for you instead. Heck, let it be a sponsor since we probably won’t get such chances again!”

I am not broke, fortunately. Nor do I hate my friends. Sid’s circle? Yes, they can be annoying at times but, I have no bad blood with any of them. And, as for Sid…… oof, pretty harsh of a thought that I probably hate him, even crossed his mind.

“Tonight’s buffet will likely be our last…..almost every one of us will be forced to take different paths, after this! Lizzy will be showing up, besides. Now will be your chance!”

“First off, me and Lizzy? That ain’t a thing! Second, even if I do show up just to meet her one last time, what’s the point? She already is in a commitment with another dude. It won’t be nice for me to approach with misplaced expectations.”, as I’m telling all this, Sid looks at me with shaky lips and an expression that reeked of smugness. Ugh…

“And lastly…. who cares! None of us are good friends like we used to be, anyway.”

Sid lets out a burst of boisterous laughter, “Suddenly, mute Mo starts telling me why he won’t be coming to tonight’s farewell party. How obvious! Still, I feel Lizzy will appreciate you showing up, too. You couldn’t help yourself but make it obvious to everyone around you the more you pretended otherwise.”

I like Liz, I admit. But, why doesn’t this idiot along with the rest accept that it was just that? Nothing else? The two of us met and got to know each other better, at the beginning of our program. Over time, she started pursuing her interests which in turn, gave her a new circle of friends. More like-minded and resonant than we two were to one another. And through them, she meets another boy. And, she’s been in high spirits and joyful, ever since. As too, I am for her.

Her bias did not cloud her interactions with me, as it was fuzzy for most others. She was able to accept me for who I inherently am and did not try to force me to be someone that I wasn’t. Something Sid, my best college buddy, if he could qualify for one, doesn’t get.

But no, as much as I like Elizabeth and like to speak with her one last time, just to get to know as to how much she has changed since the first time we met, 4 years back and to just be let known that she is doing well for herself, I still don’t feel like attending this event.

“Lizzy showing up is cool and all but…..pass.”

The light within Sid’s eyes fades away, his face becoming stone-cold.

“Fine, I understand. It’ll be the usual, then.”, as he gets up from the chair, approaches the door and before he turns his head back to look at me, I start hearing his voice,

“I have been wrong about many things in life. Belief in God. Mom and Dad. Me taking this program. Some of my past relationships. Certain interests and hobbies. But, never do I feel being more wrong than befriending a person who is very much whatever I am not. I was wrong for expecting the usual to happen differently. “

I decided to finally break my silence,

“Sid! Don’t say that……I am eager to show up for this event. I really do wish to. But….I dunno, there’s this barricade in front of me. Inexplicable, inconceivable but, inescapable. Words might fail to convey the undue sorrow, misery and regret that this….thing is causing me.”

Sid remains silent, not wishing to utter or respond anything for what I am sharing with him here,

“Ever since I reached age around 14, 15, I think?….. I have been burdened with this intense, heavy sense of melancholy. Whenever I get filled up with enthusiasm and excitement….it makes sure they all get swiftly washed away. Joining clubs and guilds? Trying to approach someone I find interesting? Social situations? Like, as if my heart wishes to be sabotaged.

You find that you like something. Better yet, you find that you are good at it too. You keep practicing it. Enough to the point, you get recognition for it. You wish to meet people who do this same thing. Share and learn along with them. But, as I try entering….. I see this barrier.

Likewise, you find that you like someone. Better yet, you get the impression that they like you too, in turn, and aren’t in any commitment. Golden ticket! You decide to ask them out after getting to know them better. What’s the worse that could happen? But, as I try stating my declaration, my lips….. serve as this barrier.

This barrier…..faces me straight in front of whatever direction that my heart guides me towards. Standing tall over me, being far and wide, letting me know that the path ahead is too much for me to approach.”

I am unable to monitor my voice, as it involuntarily alters itself, while letting all this out, “I’ve had enough of this, Sid. This forceful passiveness and this involuntary apathy. As, it lets me not proceed forward with my life, when life does not stop for anyone or anything.”

“Wow…..I mean, I am so sorry to hear that.”, as he approaches me to firmly hug me.

“Sounds like you have been going through a lot…..Tell me, Moses. What is it that you feel that this barrier you tell that you are facing, might be? We know you are shy, yes but, we never got any hints from you that it was taxing for you to merely engage with us. Safe to say, you being annoyed to talk with us and trying to avoid, might not be it.

Do you doubt yourself? Thinking you’ll get mocked and spoken behind your back with disdain and ridicule? Feeling inadequate that you won’t measure up? That you might betray the trust and love that someone might have invested in you?”

“Maybe, I am not sure……”

“I have noticed you taking some medications. Is therapy not working, if so?”

“It’s hard to tell. The meds are what’s letting me function, probably. But yes, I am not satisfied with how it’s all going. I’ve switched two therapists, as did my first therapist switch me, in turn. At this point, this pretty much is all this town has to offer. Till I move out of this place, I’ll have to remain patient.”

“Any insights and conclusions that you’d like sharing with me?”

“Clinical depression. Been officially diagnosed since the third semester. But, I suspect GAD though, all of them so far, dismiss it, citing its a by-product of my depression instead of it being a separate condition.”

“If you are taking your meds but, you don’t notice much progress….. What might be it? Something tells me you are not listening to their insights here, Mo.”

“Shut up! You know nothing, alright! Look at you, ever cheerful and manic, deriving pleasure talking with everyone, going out there and getting what you desire. Or at least try. Having someone who really looks up to you as she does love you. I have NOTHING of those! I am cursed with this condition whereas people like you, and that’s most of them, I wager, will probably never get to taste this, ever. Good for you all, as I am this twisted, reluctant sacrifice for the happiness of yours and others!”

Sid backs out a bit. Trying to say something, to defend himself. But, restrains his mouth and eye contact. Looks over my bed and decides to take a seat.

Silence ensues for a while, only for Sid’s voice to break it,

“I agree, Mo…kinda. You are right, I do enjoy speaking with almost everyone out there, as I enjoy it with you. I am very grateful to Amy for giving me a chance. But…Moses, you are wrong with that whole taste statement that you told me just now. For, I too had been officially diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder.”

What? Sidney claiming to be depressed? The same dude who just a few weeks back, was doing a Popeye impression that got shared over the entire campus and even on social media, while he was drunk? The same guy who, last semester, made a flamboyant and loud declaration towards Amy? This guy!?

“A bit late than you, but still…….. Sometimes, I don’t feel like waking up for the day at all…..why do you think I was showing up late for classes, at one point? When you are on cloud nine, enjoying whatever life offers you at the moment, suddenly, that cloud dissolves and you fall down in the clouds below of despair and grief. I’ve cried myself before sleep sometimes, even. I was hesitant to share this all with Amy, as I did with others but, she convinced me to seek therapy. It’s a secret but to you, me and her.”

“Sid, why didn't you share this with me?”

“And why didn’t you?”, as he let a weak smile and commences speaking,

”I was uninformed when it came to mental health, before all this. You already seemed troubled yourself, Mo. The moment I got diagnosed, I realized maybe, you too, might be going through something. I….did not wish to approach you regarding this, as the vibes were unwelcoming. Besides, I felt it is personal and waited for you to share it yourself.”

“What troubles you, Sid.”, realizing someone like himself suffering in this sickness is….pretty painful to process, admittedly, as it is baffling to me.

“Mostly personal. But, as I’d mentioned above. Realizing that I probably do not have a future with this course of ours. Among other things. It’s a miracle that I’ve reached this far.”

“You thought of discontinuing?.”

“Felt it was a bit late, by then. But yes, that’s probably what I should have done.”

Sid’s looks up to me, as his gaze was lowered when he was telling me all this,

“My therapist. May she be blessed. What a person! Guess, I got lucky in that department. I would recommend but, I take it you might have sought her yourself seeing, she is one among the three practitioners, here in this town.”

As I ask him her name, he was right…..I did seek her. What a totally opposite experience for me!

“Well, it’s getting late Mo, we’ll discuss more of this some other day.”

“Wait-”, as I say, just as he is getting up, “I’ll come tonight.”

Sid’s eyes widen up, his smile explicit only for it to gradually show up his bright but, crooked teeth. “Yes! Finally!!”, as he laughs, stretching out his arms far and wide.

“It is time that I face this barrier. Break it.”, I tell him, as he slowly starts paying attention to me,

“Initially, I tried to ignore this, trying to look and go the other way, only for it to gradually show up almost every path that I decided to take. I dunno…people take offense to my temperament, getting triggered for merely being who I am. Yes, you don’t, from what I could tell but, not everyone out there is you. As we enter this ‘real world’ that everyone around us unfailingly reminds us of, will there be a place for me?

I am…reluctant to find out as to what awaits me beyond. Whether this beyond will break me up, shape me into someone that I’m not. To change and grow out of your own accord and will, yes…that is natural. The world though, should not play that role. For, it is disrespectful towards my individuality and free will.”

“I can understand, to see yourself be turned into something you’re not without consent, can invoke a feeling of nihilism and existential angst. Introversion, despite being an attribute that every soul out there can exhibit, is seen as an illness, by a lot.

Perhaps you are overthinking all this? The outside world will have a place for you, as I hope myself that it has for me too, as for everyone one of us. Plenty of people out there who too, are introverts, having been misunderstood or worse, ostracized. You can join them, help one another and accomplish wonders. I have faith in you, Moses. Besides, I thought it was obvious but, Lizzy liked you exactly for that!”, as he chuckles, “Man, are you so clueless!….”

As Sid smiles at me, I could also see a drop of tear running through his cheek,

"Initially, I felt upset and resentful. Betrayed even. That you did not trust me enough to share your plights and issues with me. That you assumed that I might try to change you into something you aren’t through our interactions. But, I understand now. While I’ve had introverted episodes myself, I do not know how it feels to actually be one. I assure you, my good friend….I’ll do my absolute best to ensure you are comfortable around me and others, being yourself.”

“I’m sorry…for everything”, as I go and embrace him. Having trouble fighting my tears.

“Hey, come now…”, as he gently pats my back, “it’s the least I could do to my friend. A beacon who stood bright amidst the darkness of this journey. You too are a big reason as to why I was able to persist till now. I would have been lost without you.”

“I did not know Elizabeth liked me too! The door was open wide for me and yet, I could not see it! I am such an idiot! I doubt I’ll meet someone like her ever again.”, As clear as this realization has been for me, I had trouble telling Sid all this, at the moment.

“Don’t worry. You’ll meet someone special again. You must move on now, the same way she has moved on with someone else. It probably was for the better. Besides, I’ll try helping you out with this… play wingman.”

“I appreciate it. I surely will ask you for your aid, if I am having trouble.”

As we finish hugging one another, we look at each other briefly only to laugh like idiots….

“That wasn’t so bad now, was it? Alright bro, I’m out. Will meet you tonight. You better not be late, else I’ll make sure you don’t get to attend!”

“Look who’s talking! I wouldn't be surprised if you forgot to reserve a place for us two! Will be waiting for you, as you inevitably will show up late.”

And so, Sid leaves. I get ready, reach the party around dusk and I was right, Sid’s late….unsurprisingly.

I have a heartfelt interaction with every one of them, for we will all become strangers to one another, over time. And, Elizabeth. Spoke with her one last time and wished her the best, as she wished me the same.

I feel….better, though a new set of issues will bother me, as it is inevitable, as I keep going forward….

But, the cracks have been inflicted upon this barrier that I’d been facing, paving way for its breakage.