What's in a name?

"Why would you want to change your name, Emma? The one you have is just fine."

Her eyes darted up to her mother at the out-of-place question. One she's not prepared for, while simultaneously fearing the conversation that was about to happen.

"What?" She's stalling. What could she possibly say that would make any sense to her small-town Midwest mindset? Honestly, nothing.

"Why do you want to change your name? You aren't trying to be a boy, are you?"

She blinked, not understanding the correlation at first.

"You- What? You understand that changing your name isn't specific for the trans community, right? Anyone can choose their own name for any reason. John Wayne-." She cut herself off. Reasoning with her family was like trying to rationalize with a brick wall.

"I just don't get why you want to. You can't run from your problems. They're going to be there no matter what name you have."

Taking a deep breath and closing her eyes, she counted internally to keep her emotions level.

***

Eris sat across from her psychologist on a neutrally comfortable couch in her neutrally painted office with neutral decorations adorning the wall. Gazing around, she wondered why they chose such a monotonous theme. The pale coloring and fake plants in opposite corners. Frames filled with dollar store photos that meant nothing to the people that encased themselves in these four walls. So people do not get distracted? So they focused on the conversation?

Mia gently waved her hand in Eris's direction. "I'm losing you again. Let's pull it back in."

Her attention snapped back to the woman who had countlessly saved her life from the demons that ran rampant inside her head. Not even the dullness of a placid room such as this was enough for a mind like hers.

Eris rolled her eyes up, annoyed with herself. "I genuinely don't even remember what we were talking about."

Mia chuckled, prepared to lead the dance the two shared during every session they had together. "We were discussing your preferred name and its importance to you."

She nodded, the prior conversation collecting itself before her. "Ah yeah, now I remember. I was trying to decide how to respond and it snowballed from there."

"Well, let's break it down further. What made you choose the name you did?"

She picked at a string on her sleeve, her eyes bouncing back and forth like a Pong ball on everything but Mia.

"Eris." Her therapist spoke one word and her attention was pulled back, dissipating the entourage of voices that were screaming inside her head.

"Eris means strife. She is the Greek Goddess of discord and destruction. Saying it outloud feels counter-productive to everything I have been working on, but it makes sense to me."

"How so?" Mia questioned.

"Life; my decisions; the consequences of my actions have been chaos embodied. It's been this static of negative clouding the air around me for as long as I can remember. Thick and stinking of poison. Rotting. I couldn't breathe. No matter what I did, it was wrong. I felt like I had no control over my life. Then, after everything fell apart and I lay there questioning my mortality, it hit me that I never truly made my own decisions. My choices were always blatantly made by another, or manipulated into my subconscious mind encouraging me to believe they were my own. I was finally in a position where all of the doors I chose for my future would be my own. I was the author of my own Choose Your Path story."

Mia nodded as she followed along, but dared not move or speak so her client would keep up her poetic momentum towards breakthrough.

"This name that depicts chaos, it felt like it was pulling in all of that fog; all of the anarchy and pandemonium that I was choking on and it corked it in a bottle, allowing me to see. Giving me strength and order. It's become my own Pandora's Box.

"So let's think of it in terms of your metaphors. Pandora's Box, as the story goes, was opened to release all of the bad that is in the world. What situation do you feel would open that box for you in regards to your name?"

The room was silent and stale as the question floated in the air.

"When that name is used, it makes me uncomfortable."

Mia stared expectantly, knowing there is more to this thought.

"When my birth name is used maliciously, I feel disrespected. It feels like they believe their thoughts of something that belongs to me is more important than my comfort. Than my wishes. When it's said, it lets the bad out."

Mia motioned for her to continue with the thought process as she fell silent.

"It isn't me. It represents a person I don't know anymore; that I haven't known in a long time. It belonged to a weak girl who allowed destruction into her home. I am no longer her. Every time someone calls me that name, it's them saying I'm still that girl. That I still deserve all of that pain. That there is no respect for the boundaries I've set when I'm really not asking for that much."

Mia smiled. "What's going through your head as you say this outloud?"

"Anger. I'm angry... but also relief? I've never had to put it into words before. It's a bloodletting of emotion just to get it out of my head."

"Do you think you'd be able to say this to someone else? To someone who, as you said it, maliciously calls you by your birth name?"

Eris shook her head. "I don't know. Saying it to you, here, is different. You never put me into a position where I question my decisions. I never feel judged, even when my choices probably should be. That isn't a common occurrence with my family. Everything I've done has been met with animosity under a magnifying glass. You could say the exact same thing as them, but the infliction would be different. The tone. The intent. There is a distinct difference. When you ask questions, it's genuine. I can feel that you truly care about the answer. When they do it, it's a passive-aggressive jab at whatever they are asking about. It fills the pit of my stomach with cement. Even the thought of having a conversation with them about anything that's-" she makes air quotes, "-'out of the norm'. I wouldn't know how to broach it without, in the end, feeling guilty for making them uncomfortable."

Mia nodded, understanding.

"We can figure out a good plan for that. I want to come back around to your name itself. You mentioned 'control'. You used the word 'choice'. Tell me more about that. Why do you think changing your name gives you that?"

The room was silent, but the screaming was deafening between her ears. Every voice was speaking to her at once. All giving their answers. She tried hard to listen, but it was too much. She could only pluck words out of the air and hope it was coherent enough to form a rational thought.

"It's... mine. It belongs to me. We choose names for a person we haven't even met yet and expect them to live up to it. To live up to a word. The very concept of choosing the kind of personality someone else is going to have based on a word is ludicrous. I am not the person they named me before I even took a breath." She pauses and gives a chuckle. "I remember asking my mother when I was younger how she came up with my name. She told me she heard it on the street. Literally, on the street. There are no ties to it. No family history to make it the passion project it's become. It means nothing. It's just a word. The name I chose has depth for me. I was able to make the choice. My choice on how I want to be addressed and represented. I choose who I am, not anyone else. Not anymore. Never again. "

Her lip shook as she emphasised her final sentence and she swallowed hard to keep her emotions from boiling over to sizzle on the surface.

Mia nodded, taking a moment to decide which direction she wanted to go. "Have you thought any more about making it an official legal change?"

"I do, once in a while."

"What is holding you back?"

"I don't know." Eris paused. "We both know that's a lie."

Mia smiled, and let her continue.

"Nerves, I suppose. It makes it all real, which I want, but it's still nerve wrecking. To be sure I submit the name request to all of the powers that be so there aren't hiccups with money, or taxes, or any similar establishment. I also want to change my entire name, not just my first. I've been trying to decide what represents me the best as a whole. It was difficult enough settling on a first name."

"Do you have any ideas thus far?"

Eris's face scrunched up as she ran through a catalog of responses. "-Ish. I have an idea, but I want to make sure it feels right. It is my grandmother's maiden name. For me it all ties together as it comes from the island of Sardinia off the coast of Italy. There is such a rich history dating back to around 1500 BC. There are myths and legends and colorful cultures. There is even one where they argue that Sardinia is actually Atlantis. It's exciting to me. It-." Her face goes blank as acceptance hits.

Mia chuckled. "It sounds as though you've talked yourself into it."

"Yeah, I think so. When I think about how it links to me theologically and historically, the name feels right. It feels like home. It's when I think about the current people it ties me to; that it's a family name, then I feel uncomfortable."

"Are there any current members using the name?"

"No one that I have met."

"So, you can make it your own then, perhaps? Just as you are your first name."

"Hmm... "

"It's up to you. It is your choice. That's what all of this is about. You said changing your name felt like a simplistic way of taking control, but you also said your name is how you want to be represented to others. That does not sound as simple when you put it like that. This is important to you, and that is great! This was the first decision you made for yourself without anyone else being able to sway you. I want you to see that and understand this choice isn't small. You should be proud."

"It feels like I'd be throwing a party for myself for tying my shoes."

"Let's put it into that perspective. We praise children for things they're learning, such as tying their shoes. Learning to walk. Forming sentences. For what we as adults take for granted. Why does that need to end? We do not stop being students in life. We can congratulate adults for progressing and growing. In your case, for taking control of situations you formerly felt chaos in. For understanding you can say no loudly and often when your boundaries are crossed. For choosing how you want yourself represented. These are not small things. You should be proud of your growth."

Eris laughed to herself, trying to swallow back the lump in her throat. "Ugh, stop. Feelings are gross."

Mia chuckled, glancing up at the clock. "When you go home, why don't you practice writing down the names you have considered and see how they look and feel."

"Like I'm fourteen again, scribbling all my crushes names' in a notebook."

"Essentially, except this time it's all you. Love yourself."

Eris rolled her eyes playfully.

A quiet alarm went off, signifying the end of their session.

"Same time next week?" Mia already knew the answer.

"Same time next week."

***

She ended her counting and opened her eyes, pivoting on her seat.

"Mom, sit down. We need to talk."