Ava

She is amazing. By no means perfect, of course, but she is strong and confident. Ava dares to dream big, and she never gives up. When she falls, she gets right back up and tries again. Sure, she may cry now and again, but she never lets life's hurdles get her down for too long. She is truly amazing.

I'm not like Ava.

I am weak. I cower in the face of failure. I am afraid to speak up, even when I know I should. The smallest hiccup in life and I'm out of commission for weeks. I will hermit in my room, crying alone, hiding from the world. I would never dare try anything out of the ordinary. It's best I just lay low, head down, do what I need to do, and not making any waves.

I am no Ava.

Ava started working at this small town bar a few years back. She was different than anything the town of Green Lake, IN had ever seen. She was kind, yes, but she had some quirks. Some of these quirks were not appreciated by some folk, but that didn't matter to her. She owned who she was. She loved who she was. While the town would gossip, she held her head high. Not a care in the world.

How I wish I was more like Ava.

The other day I got a job offer. One that would get me out of this tiny town. That had always been the dream- to leave here one day. But as much fun as it is to dream of such things, I don't see how I could make it on my own. I'm too shy, too fearful, too sensitive, too weak. Plus, I have literally zero experience in the field. How could I ever manage something like that?

Ava used to be a dancer. Quite the controversy in such a small town. She would speak of those days with a peculiar happiness in her voice. She swears she wasn't any good, but she had fun doing it nevertheless. Whether they agreed with her choices or not, the townsfolk loved to hear her stories. It was like a drug for them. They just had to get that re-up on the life of Ava gossip.

No one in this town had ever met a person like Ava.

The most exciting thing to happen in my life was the day I got my license. Nothing all that interesting, but there's a freedom that comes with four wheels that I had never experienced before. I could go anywhere. At the time, it seemed that nothing could stop me. As soon as I turned 18 I could get in the car and leave this place behind. It was probably the greatest feeling I ever had.

Silly, young, naive, me. What ever made me think I'd have anything more than a regular, boring life? What ever made me think I would ever get out of this small town life?

Ava stares in the bathroom mirror. Looking herself in the face, she sighs. Another day done. Another dollar earned. It's her favorite part of the day. The time of day when she can remove the mask of makeup, let her gaurd down, and rest up for the next round. This is her time.

As she dries her face, she looks herself in the eyes and repeats words of affirmation, reassuring herself because no one else ever had:

I am strong. I am capable. I can do the hard things. I am worthy. I am loved. I am Ava.

And with that she turns off the lights and curls up on the couch to watch some sitcom reruns before bed.

There's comfort in the familiar. Things are easier when you know what's going to happen next. I think that's why I like sitcoms. They're predictable, and they always end on a positive note. That's a rarity in this world. Very few things can actually be predicted, and happy endings are not much more than a dream. The real world is full of letdowns, sadness, and tragedy.

Yeah, the real world is nothing like television.

As I turn off the television, I catch a glimpse of the letter from the firm offering me a job. I pick it up, and read it's contents for the hundredth time. Shaking my head, I place it on the table and head to the bathroom to get ready for bed.

What could they have possibly seen in me that makes them think I could do that job? If they only knew what I was actually like, they certainly wouldn't have offered me such a position.

I turn on the water, and wash the oils from the day off my face. I brush my teeth, and rinse my mouth. As I go to turn out the light, I see myself in the mirror. I look myself in the eyes, and it's as if I can see how the worry has aged them. I'm not old by any means, but you wouldn't know that by judging only on my eyes. The eyes really are the "windows to the soul".

I stand there staring, wondering if this is all life will ever be. I feel the tears welling up as a consider that possiblity. What a pointless existence this is. Work, pay bills, eat, sleep, and repeat. They tell us we can be anything we want when we grow up. Then we get older and it's everything we can do just to survive. If this is all there is to life, I honestly do not see the point of it all.

No! No, this cannot be all there is to life. There must be something more. I must be something more.

I push my chin up, wipe the tears from my face, and look myself in the eyes once more, repeating the words:

I am strong. I am capable. I can do the hard things. I am worthy. I am loved.

I am Ava.