Life...

somewhere in this twisted brain of mine, i just wanted to tell everybody to go squat in a cactus tree, but my manners wouldn't let me. i was so sick of feeling compelled to situations when i knew that i didn't volunteer in the first place, but then again, did i even have a choice? i was reeled in like a naive little fish trying to escape the grasp of their corroded hooks, knowing that the more i fought to get my freedom back, the more motivated the captors would become to keep me. well what if i just played along and pretended to die, would they then feel bad and send me back or be selfish and prepare their minds for the meal i'd represent; consume what they could from me and discard the rest as if i was nothing. but first, everyone had to know about me.

time stood still in a frame 19 years ago. i was a single mom and had no other motives than to take care of my 2 small children on my own. i had nothing but a diaper bag and one large suitcase filled mostly with their tiny clothes and a few of mine. i left on a one way ticket, so my ex-love knew that we weren't coming back. i couldn't go back, not after the life of having to escape drama practically everyday. if it wasn't the baby mama, it was his family. physical abuse was present as well, even during my pregnancy with our first child. in one incident, i couldn't go to work the next day due to a black eye. how was i to explain that to my boss? i can't say that i didn't know why i stayed with him after that because i do know. i had no where else to go, plain and simple, so he was my only "savior". a year after our first was born, we had another child. yet again, why was i still there? some would say i was foolish, but my thoughts were because now we had 2 children and i felt like it was my duty as a mother to stay with the father for the children's sake. after some time, the physical abuse subsided, but his temper was still strong. the house became a little quiet, but that was only because his eyes began to wander, then soon he ventured off and so did i, except i attended church with my new companion and it felt good to laugh again. after a while of not caring about my former partner or what he thought of me anymore, me and my daughters contentedly moved out. we had reached the max of our relationship and i was so over the lies that everyone thought i didn't know about. i couldn't allow my children to grow up in such an unrefined and don't give a damn environment. it had become tainted and no longer enjoyable. i knew nothing about parenting, especially on my own with a 1 year old and a 6 month old, so i was reaching nervously for a higher being to help me up and give us strength. i'd lost both of my parents in my teens, my mom at 14 and my dad at 19, so i didn't get the chance to have those intimate conversations and get advice about a lot of things that other kids took advantage of. i was forced to live with a relative whom at first didn't seem too thrilled about the idea of having to be a guardian, especially after never having children of her own. who was i to come and interrupt her single life. well if i really had a choice i would've stayed with my much older sister whom i was ripped from the day right after our mom's funeral. complete loneliness filled the years to follow after moving away. no one would tell me the truth. it wasn't until guilt revealed itself and i finally got a phone call..... from my sister. all those years, wasted away because of egos and ignorant adults. i rebelled, was somewhat punished, but always forgiven. i hated that. i hated them and i hated my life. i can't count how many times i wanted to just end it all and erase myself. just send me back home to Texas already, but that wasn't happening because my guardian had to keep her promise to my mom. however, as soon as the ripe enough age hit, all of that went out the window. i never felt so alive after being kicked out.

Adolescence was no joke. i thought it would be all fun and games after my guardian released me, but being out in this big chaotic world, i didn't know what to do. trying to hold on to the one thing that remained stable in my life.... college, i began to waver. soon it became the farthest thing from my mind. having no rules was my influence to go barbaric. but in the midst of it all, there was a tough lesson to learn, that the people whom i thought were my "friends" only used me and then turned their backs afterwards. whenever we saw each other on the street it was as if we were meeting for the first time.

i can't help who i am. i don't know how to be someone else. i give and give and people just take, take and take. which leads me back to the previous statement of telling everybody to go squat in a cactus tree. i'd rather you not approach me if you know that your jealousy gets the best of you. don't fault me for getting along with people that YOU don't like. i've had a number of so-called friendships end because of people's stupidity and resentments, so i decided to take a time out from allowing people to get close to me. but when i made the decision to go back for a second semester of college, that didn't last for very long because some truly genuine people found me and we became the best group of friends. they didn't know my life away from school, but then again they didn't ask either.

still trying to find my purpose, i struggled daily to keep my head up and see the bright side of all the negativity that tried to devour me. not having a steady place to lay my head, not knowing where my next meal was going to come from, having to hand wash and wear the same clothes over and over again. my financial situation sucked, could barely do anything or go anywhere. at that time, i was forced to rely on someone. i felt helpless, hopeless, homeless. my teenage life became nomadic. but no matter how hard it got, i was never going back to my guardian.

with only 2 semesters of community college under my belt, i felt that was enough schooling for me. i wanted a job. i wanted to be able to take care of myself without anyone's help. 19 years old with so many random ideas, i had to start somewhere. pick one, any one..... i choose you. he became my best friend out of the group. the one who taught me to be fearless and go for what i wanted. the one who always knew how to keep me laughing, the one who wiped my tears when i cried, the one who simply listened and allowed me to vent without saying a word, the one who took me home to meet his mom because he knew we'd get along. it was strictly out of innocence, nothing more, nothing less, she was just as crazy and carefree as he. it's funny because over a period of time, i was beginning to forget what that type of affection felt like. starting to miss my mom even more, without realizing it, i attached myself to his mom. my visits became the norm and he and i, inseparable. people around us began to notice how close we'd become, but while they were thinking otherwise, i wasn't interested plus he was already in a one year relationship. it's funny how quickly assumptions are formulated before knowing the full story. however, one of the "genuine friends" started acting indifferent towards me because i met the mom and was spending a lot of time over at the house. i'm thinking to myself, not this crap again! she had the same opportunity, but was too scared to go, so that's my fault? obviously it didn't matter, she stopped talking to both he and i and replaced it with cold stares. Stare, stare, stare away, I refused to cater to her childish and annoying tantrums.

soon the truth came out about where i lived, which was nowhere. another of the friends couldn't take it and asked her aunt if i could stay with them, as long as i helped out around the house. I wasn’t very religious, but i thanked GOD for an understanding aunt. i moved in right away with everything that i had left of me which was a backpack and a few bags of clothes and memories. Having lived here and there, bits and pieces of me slowly disappeared.

in the meantime, i didn’t realize that my best friend had begun developing feelings for me. i mean i suppose it's only natural that after being around each other for so long, an attraction or 2 could form, but when he confessed, i laughed and he hung up in my face. it took me every bit of 2 years to finally recognize the misplaced feelings for him of what would later become a 3 year relationship. the only reason we parted ways was because i made a permanent move to Atlanta with the friend who had the aunt. i couldn't do the long distance thing and neither could he, so we agreed to go back to just being friends.

years passed and i found myself imprinted as a child of GOD, but not one to force people to conform or look down on them because i’m this way and they’re not. there's a different level of dignity and honor that you must uphold because you represent HIM and i get that and i respect that, but when you have those who are holier than thou and are "carrying out" HIS works, they instantly become judgmental. even knowing that the Bible says "come as you are", at first glance they still size you up and treat you like a project. i know because i was one of those projects. pondering over what they can change about this, that and the other. trying to tailor you into a twin of themselves. they walk around and indiscreetly make you feel guilty for being you. and don't dare rebel or else you're going to HELL! so then i began to wonder who should i really be afraid of: "them", GOD or the world? you can't force someone to change just to satisfy your ego, because what you think is best for them, could very well be detrimental. everyone has their own divine timing and purpose and some of those serving under GOD should know that. anyone can have visions and hear from HIM, the world is not exempt. HE can choose and use whomever to get HIS point across, so i always feel like be careful of the things you say and do behind people's backs.

all grown up and feeling a young 45 years old; living a life with 3 beautiful girls and a doting husband, i’m now responsible for someone else’s lives. what i choose to do and how to do it surely affects my family, so i wouldn't do anything heartbreaking knowing this. i’ve suffered all the ridicule, hate, plucking, bruising, mental abuse, loneliness, insecurity and stabs in the back to know how to stand up for myself and protect my family. and when it comes to our 5 person household, we do things however we do them, just like the next man does with his household. no one else has the deed to come and intervene, only the one who watched me suffer then brought me through. And i owe it all to HIM… “thank you GOD. thanks an awful lot.”