Stardust High

Everybody wants to be somebody. Cecilia Sterling was definitely someone special. As we could say, she made it. She was a thirty-something actress famous for her roles in a lot of romantic comedies from the 90’s. She was the golden teen back then, and one of the most popular Hollywood socialite now. Everyone wanted, and still wants, to be her. If the word cool could be personified, it would be Cecilia. Her trademark sideswept long wavy blonde hair, her heart-shaped little mouth and cartoon-like round blue eyes made her a timeless beauty. She never made any scandal. Her personality seemed to be tailored perfectly to fit into society. She instinctively knew who to be, and how to be. Everything she did was effortless. Whether it was acting or making friends from all circles or getting men, she had a carelessness about her that drew everyone towards her. Despite not having played in a movie for the past fifteen years or so, she was still invited to movie premieres, gallery openings, charities and her place in the public eye was set in stone for many years. Cecilia Sterling was a unique type of icon.

From as far as she remembers, she knew she was unlike every other kid. She couldn’t relate to the futility of childhood wonders, the pettiness of kid’s dramas and she never wanted any toys or material possessions. She was just empty yet overwhelmed. This feeling is so contradictory that it’s hard to explain and very few people actually lived it. There was an explanation for her particular emotional condition: She had the type of intelligence that you don’t meet more than once in your life, if you’re lucky. It’s called metaphysically smart. Cecilia Sterling was so observant, so sensitive with an intuition so sharp that she could feel what anyone next her feel. She was witty to the point that she always knew the perfect thing to say regardless of the situation or the type of person she was talking to. As a result, everyone loved her. Everyone felt like the most interesting person when they were talking to her.

That type of metaphysical smartness was a curse in disguise. She could see everything and everyone for who they truly were, and all humans have a dark side and ulterior motives that were so visible to Cecilia that she just ended up secretly despising anyone. On the opposite, everyone loved her. How ironic. Just like when she was a kid that didn’t feel like a kid, she didn’t feel like an adult even at her age. She didn’t even feel human. What most people want in general, money, fame, beauty, she didn’t care. She experienced the bright side of things all her life and all she wanted now was to experience the dark side of the human experience. She wanted to feel free.

As much as she was used to being a somebody, deep down she just wanted to be a nobody. To be free of rules and etiquette. To be mean if she wanted to. To be filthy if she wanted to. To make a scene in public and no one would care. She also wanted to be high on drugs. She has never lost control. Not even once. She wanted to experience other perspectives and understand what is it about drugs that is so strong and special.

That thought has been ingrained in her for decades. It was her deepest desire. To live life outside of society. But she was scared. Mostly all she knew has been privilege, good relationships and a good reputation. Cecilia Sterling was keeping up the image of a happy starlet but deep down all she wanted was to let herself go and go against all the societal norms and expectations. Cecilia Sterling has done all the right things, all the time. Now she wanted to go wild. Do drugs. Hang out with criminals. Sleep outside. Spend her days high just walking around the city hanging out with new people every day.

What she wanted was a pure ego death.

And one day the perfect opportunity presented itself.

As she was doing charity for a homeless shelter, she found herself looking at the trashiest version of what she could have been. The woman facing her holding a bowl of disgusting brown soup had the exact same features as her. Same height, same eyes, same weight, same heart-shaped mouth. Nobody noticed because nobody generally notice the homeless, and the girl was wearing a black hoodie that covered most of her face and she was constantly just looking down. But they were doubles. Even the long blonde sideswept hair. Then the idea came to her like an eureka moment: she was going to switch lives with the homeless girl. Cecilia kept her eye on her twin and when she finished eating, she went out the door. Cecilia pretended she needed to take a call and followed her outside. The girl stood slouching on the brick wall of the homeless shelter and lit a cigarette. Our golden child approached her and asked the bum for a smoke.

Cecilia used her metaphysical smartness to convince the girl to switch places with her. As simple as that. In the time of a smoke, they figured out the details of the swap. The girl would go back inside to take Cecilia’s place at the soup kitchen, pretend she was sick, ask the driver to take her home and ultimately announce publicly that she would be retiring. No scandal needed, integrity preserved. As for Cecilia, she would be homeless, and just like she had dreamed, do drugs. Cecilia learned that being a homeless drug addict will be believable, because if she ever seems weird or doesn’t remember thugs she is supposed to know, she could blame it on being high. Pretending a good old psychosis would be her free pass. They went to the bathroom to switch clothes and just like that, they both began their new life.

It was a warm summer day. Cecilia began walking and the first thing she wanted to do with her new life was getting high. She was already downtown, and she knew that the soup kitchen was in the trashiest part of town. So she kept walking and observing. At some point there was a park. And a lot of homeless high and drunk people. Probably where her twin hung out, she thought. She approached a group of punks that were drinking beer and said hi. They didn’t seem to be bothered, on the contrary. They said she was looking fresh, so by deduction she was supposed to know them. Full of the new feeling of having nothing to lose, she went straight to the point: she asked them what drug they had. The tallest guy with the green mohawk replied ‘’crack, as usual why do you ask’’, and Cecilia replied that he should learn to diversify his stash once in a while. They all laughed. Even with complete strangers who were druggies, she knew exactly what to say. A little witty comment was a good introduction.

She wanted to live the homeless life sure, but during the swap, she took care of keeping some money in her pocket especially for that. So it happened. Green mohawk put a little bag of white rocks in her hand in exchange for a $20. But she had no idea what to do with it. Probably smoke it, she figured. Cecilia casually asked the guys if they wanted to share it with her, so hopefully one of them would have a pipe. Smart idea because the one with the missing front tooth agreed and took out a glass pipe from his front pocket.

They were already all sitting in a circle in the grass, the sun shining and civilians further away avoiding eye contact. She passed her crystal bag to missing tooth and he filled up the pipe and give it back to her with a lighter. It was time. Now. She inhaled. And inhaled. And inhaled. The punks were looking at her impressed and laughing. Her virgins and healthy lungs could definitely take a lot. As she exhaled, an immense wave of euphoria hit her. She looked at the punks and felt submerged by a deep feeling of closeness. They all seemed so beautiful. So diverse. So unapologetic. She felt like she was living her true essence. That nothing could ever go wrong from that moment on. Then she let out a childlike laugh, and green mohawk told her that a good hit of crack was worth living for, wasn’t it? One by one, they proceeded to smoke Cecilia’s crack as she promised to share. She was looking at them, deeply feeling them, bonded by the intense euphoric feeling they were all experiencing. Cecilia Sterling never could have possibly imagined feeling so perfect, so in sync with life, with people and her surroundings. She felt like her true self for the first time.

Some senior civilians were looking at them and what she felt was proud. She was proud to be part of the excluded of society, part of the druggies, part of those who are truly experiencing life. There was nowhere to be, no need to take a shower, put on makeup or put on a show. She was simply free. Missing tooth started to talk about how he practiced dark magic, and to Cecilia, it seemed like to most interesting, quirky and fascinating topic. She might have been high, but it was unlike anything she ever heard. All her usual conversations gravitate towards fashion, hip restaurants, popular movies and fitness or new diets. For once, a conversation felt new.

Time passed and the little group decided to go to a shady bar and Cecilia gladly followed them. The evening was well started, and when they entered the dimly lit bar, an old, fat joyful man greeted her with a free beer. She put on her best smile and cheered with him. There was drunk people having the time of their life massacring the song Bohemian Rhapsody at the karaoke, laughing like maniacs and Cecilia wanted to be part of them. She chugged her beer and without warning, she jumped on the stage laughing and screamed that they were amazing and she wanted to sing a verse. No one was looking at them and it was such a freeing feeling. People were busy getting drunk and having conversations or monologues, some were playing on the slot machines, even the bartender was getting drunk with another frail and dirty looking old man. Everyone was having fun. After the song, Cecilia came down and none of her new friends were there anymore. She knew from her partying experience that when drunk, people tend to ghost or leave, but it didn’t matter to her because she was still there in this dank bar, her beer still waiting for her. So she drank. A couple of skinny and tired-looking people dressed in baggy clothes came sitting next to her asking her what she was doing alone. She told them she was just having fun and proceeded to ask them questions about the bars of the neighborhood, their favorite songs, well, she was good at small talk. Spider and Pink were their names. Street names, of course. Cecilia wondered what was the street name of her twin, but for now, it didn’t matter. The couple were obviously high on stimulants and couldn’t stop talking about stuff such as rehab or prison stints. Cecilia was getting drunk and she was ultimately passionated by what they had to say. Still on a mission to get fucked up, she asked them if they had drugs and they said yes, they had meth pills. Cecilia felt excitement like she rarely felt before. Her only goal was to discover what meth felt like, and she wanted to match the vibe of her two new friends. She took a white pill with a star logo on it and went back to their fast-paced conversation about how to make alcohol from fruit in prison. She literally thrived at the idea of learning criminal tricks, and was eager to start feeling the meth.

At some point it was the last call at the bar, and Cecilia started to feel deeply empathetic. Palms sweating, there was a million things she wanted to say to Spider and Pink, and she decided to pay a bunch of shooters for the speedy couple in the hope they stay a little longer. She didn’t want this to end. Just like a wish being granted, Pink asked Cecilia if she wanted to continue partying at their place a few blocks down the road. She agreed and as they walked, she noticed the couple were waving at some people, all of them looking happy high or drunk. When they arrived at the couple’s small apartment, it was chaos. A bunch of people were already there, one smoking a joint by the window, one in the kitchen mixing drinks and two old woman doing lines of coke on the coffee table. There was stuff everywhere. Bottles and clothes on the ground, DVD boxes on the kitchen table, a bong on the TV stand, it was unsanitary to the sober eye, but to Cecilia, the place seemed lively. Not like the pristine and minimalist empty apartment she had. She was just feeling the warmth of being surrounded by careless people who reunited in the sole purpose to use and to have fun.

She sat on the living room couch and the balcony door opened. And there he was: the most beautiful tall dark haired blue eyed bearded man, laughing to himself. Not even in all her years in Hollywood she saw a man as striking as him. He was dressed in goddamn rags, his hair all dishevelled and as he was walking around looking goofy. He saw the empty spot next to Cecilia and asked if he could sit. She was overwhelmed by the meth, the beer, and this guy. He presented himself as Gerry in a spiritual quest. Cecilia found the introduction hilarious, I mean, who introduces themselves as being in a spiritual quest. She was surprised by the bluntness of this guy. As she was admiring the contrast of his black hair with his icy blue eyes and full lips, he said something that shattered Cecilia’s mind: he said he was metaphysically smart. No way, she thought. It was a phenomenon so rare that she dared put her hand on his heart and told him dead serious that’s what she was also. They locked eyes and it seemed like at that moment, nothing else existed except them.

At this exact time, it was both the beginning and the end.

Gerry has been homeless and a heroin addict for years. Instead of being repulsed, Cecilia got intrigued. She always heard that heroin was the ultimate, unparalleled best feeling a human can experience. She had to try it. They went into an empty bedroom. Heroin in the spoon. Lighter. Bubbles. Chemicals in the air. Needle filling up. Belt around Cecilia’s arm. Gerry counted down to three. Insert, swirl of blood, slowly push.

And that was it. She was finally…complete. Whole. Safe. Home.

Cecilia Sterling’s life officially went dark in the lightest possible way.

Years went by and Gerry and Cecilia became known as the junkie couple of the neighborhood, panhandling money next to a grocery store, sleeping to some random people’s place but mostly sleeping outside, living in their own perfect paradise. Cecilia was finally fulfilled. Happy. Sitting on the parc bench next to Gerry, she looked at the stars and said ‘’artificial happiness is the best form of happiness.’’