Geraldo

No shit Small brown dog enters from stage right and goes to front stage center.   The dog (named Ralph) looks at the audience and waves his right paw.   (Pause for audience response).  Then, the tech person plays a recording of a small girl saying in a sad voice:

Gloria:   Geraldo.    Come here, girl.   Where are you?   I got a yummy treat if you come to Mommy.   Come here, Geraldo.  

(Gloria whistles a call to Geraldo.   Geraldo lifts her ears.   There’s a pregnant pause.  Then Geraldo hides her face under her paws.   She thinks.   Then, stands up and walks behind the curtain on stage left.)

Gloria:   Come on, where are you?   You’re not in any trouble Geraldo.   I got a treat for you if you come back to Mommy.  

(Gloria, a five year old girl walks on backstage rustling a treat bag calling for Geraldo).  

Gloria:   Mommy’s sorry, Geraldo.   I won’t do it again if you come back.  

(Geraldo peaks from behind the curtain, sees Gloria, and hides again.).  

(Voice comes over speaker)

Dad:   Gloria, did you find her?   Where are you?

Gloria:   Nah, not yet.   But she’s gotta be here.   I don’t get it.   We feed you, we play with you, you get good medical care from your vet, life seems good Geraldo, whereas out here, it’s gonna rain, snow, might even hail.   But, if you come back, you can have your nice house with air conditioning and heat and a roof so you don’t have to worry about that.   And if you get sick, we’ll get you better.   Out here there are mean animals who go through trash and kill each other for meat.   You don’t want that, do you?  

Dad:   You really think Geraldo is going to understand that?   No, tussle the treat bag.  

Gloria:   (Ruffles treat bag).   Here, Geraldo.   Come here girl.  

(Geraldo sneezes)

Gloria:   Bless you.   Who sneezed?   Was that you, Daddy?

Dad:  No.   

Gloria:   Maybe it’s Geraldo?   Here, girl.   Come here.   (Said while walking off stage left).  

(Voice over speakers says matter of factly)

Narrator:   Geraldo will now explain to everyone why he ran away from her beautiful home and is hiding.   Geraldo, take it away.  

(Geraldo peaks out, sees Gloria’s gone, tiptoes front stage center, and gives a single bark.  Then, tiptoes back behind the other curtain.)

Narrator:   See, everyone.   That seems like a reasonable explanation and I’m pretty sure I would have done the same thing if I were in your shoes.  

(Geraldo peaks out again, and seeing no one, runs around the stage as if high on drugs barking, whining, going crazy.   Pregnant pause.)

Gloria:   Geraldo?

(Geraldo looks left, then looks right, then he notices a ladder off stage, drags it on stage, puts it against the wall, and climbs up it.   He’s now behind the stage lights.)

Gloria:   Strange, I don’t remember moving that.  Maybe Daddy needed to fix something.  

Dad:   You call?

Gloria:   Yea, did you move the ladder?

Dad:  (pregnant pause).  Move the ladder where?

Gloria:   Front stage right?

Dad:   No, I left it in the garage.   

Gloria:   Then who moved it out here?  Unless, hey, Daddy?

Dad:   Yea?

Gloria:   Can doggies move ladders?

Dad:   Don’t be ridiculous.   Everyone knows dogs don’t have opposable thumbs.   No, unless we’re being robbed?  

Gloria:   Dogs can move ladders if they’re robbing us?

Dad:   No, dogs can’t move ladders but people who are thieves can.  

Spotlight goes on Geraldo.   Gloria and Dad are in background   (No lights on them).   

Narrator:   Geraldo thinks about what to do;   Should he jump?   Should he mark his territory?   Should he give this stupid goddamn script a better plot?   Should he learn to speak English so someone other than me can know what the fuck he’s talking about?  

(Geraldo stands behind the lights staring idiotically to figure out where the narrator is and looks for a safe way down.   He shivers in fear.)

Narrator:   Ok, Geraldo, you remembered your parachute, right?

(Geraldo shakes his hand no)

Narrator:   You forgot the parachute?

(Geraldo nods his head)

Narrator (sighs):   Well, I guess I’ll have to come down there and catch you.   Wait a minute.   (Hear sounds of someone going down stairs).   Ok, here I am.  Jump.  

(Geraldo barks).   Narrator:   Yes, I am.   I’m invisible, remember, that’s why the director cast me as the narrator and you as Geraldo.   He was going to call you Lassie, but he didn’t want to get sued.   So, how we gonna get you down, Geraldo?   I know, you know how sometimes you hump people’s legs?   Maybe you could hump yourself down the rain drain?  

(Geraldo gives a puzzled look)

Narrator:   No, I haven’t lost my mind.   Well, you could go back down the ladder.  

Geraldo:   Woof.  

Narrator:   Geraldo, watch your language.   there are children in the audience.  

Geraldo:   Woof?

Narrator:   That’s better.  

Gloria:   Geraldo?   Is that you?   Where are you?

(Geraldo runs across the upper stage and tries to hide behind the curtain but can’t)

Narrator:   Geraldo escapes by the skin of his teeth.  

Gloria:   Hey, Narrator.   You haven’t seen Geraldo have you?

Narrator:   I think your dog ran away.  

Gloria:   Don’t be silly.   Geraldo loves me, loves Daddy.  Heck, he loves everyone.   He’s just lost.   We’re trying to get him back to his loving family.  

Narrator:   Loving family?   But I thought you . . .

Gloria:   You haven’t seen Geraldo, have you, mister narrator?   Of course not, you can’t see, you’re invisible.   Unless we just can’t see you?   Can you see me?

Narrator:   Yeah.

Gloria:   Could you see Geraldo?

Narrator:  yeah.  

Gloria:   I need you to call Geraldo then.  

(They both call for Geraldo but not in unison.  Geraldo peaks down but remains silent.)

Gloria:   Geraldo.   Come on, if you’re here.   Come out.  

Narrator:   Let’s think about it for a minute.   Is there something you did recently that might have upset Geraldo?

Gloria:   Upset Geraldo?   No.  Not that I can think of.  

Narrator:   Well, he said . . .

Gloria:   Wait, you saw Geraldo?   Where?   Where is he?  

Narrator:   He’s up there.  In the lights.  

Geraldo:   Grrrr.  Woof.  Woof.   Bark.   Bark.  

Gloria:   Oh, yeah.   I forgot about that.   IM sorry.  

Geraldo.  Grrr.  

Gloria:   Well, how can we make it up to you?

Geraldo:   Woof.   Bark.  

Gloria:   And you’ll come back home if we do that?

Geraldo:   Woof, woof.   Bark bark. 

Gloria:   Ok, please come back down now.  

(Geraldo whines)

Gloria:   Well, you got up there without opposable thumbs, right?

Geraldo:   Woof.  

Gloria:   Then you can come down the same way too.  

Geraldo:   Woof?

Narrator:   And they all lived pariddly ever after.  

Author’s note:   Does this play seem ridiculous and/or stupid?   I’ve been an editor before and these are some of the bullshit I’ve seen (and worse).  I read a story once where someone sees another guy’s balls on fire to avenge his friend’s rape.   Directors also hate working with kids and animals the most.   This play was meant to parody bad actors, bad playwrights, and just be generally ridiculous.   Think about it.   How would a dog be able to do any of these things.   Hope you enjoyed.  Thank you.