The Last Straw

“REBECCA, WE HAVE TO GO! WHAT THE HELL IS TAKING SO LONG?” 

Mark shouted from the base of the staircase, standing by the front door. I finished adjusting my diamond earrings in the oval shaped bathroom mirror before I shouted back: 

“I TOLD YOU 5 MINUTES! STOP INTERRUPTING ME AND MAYBE I’LL BE DONE SOONER.” 

I knew I sounded annoyed, but I didn’t care. He could be so damn pushy when it came to what he wanted. And he certainly did not want to be late. 

But that ship had sailed. We were supposed to be there 10 minutes ago. He’ll say it was because I took too damn long getting ready. He’ll fail to acknowledge that he arrived home a whole hour later than he said he would, and asked me to get out of the shower promptly so that I could prepare him something to eat. 

“Can’t you make it yourself?”

“But it’s so much sweeter when you do it.” 

And here we were. How long had I been doing that shit? Putting his needs above my own, and then allowing him to shame me for having needs at all? 

I carefully applied the Apple Orchard lipstick, and pursed my lips together in the mirror. I fluff my fingers through my heavy hair to no avail, it still fell dark and flat with no volume. 

I do love this dress though, I thought to myself as I turned in the mirror, looking back over my shoulder. The dress plunged down to the small of my back, showing the intricate tree of life tattooed along my spine. Mark would hate that it was showing. That almost made me love it more. 

A few spritz of my Marc Jacobs perfume, and I flicked the bathroom light off to head downstairs. 

The click of my black stiletto heals on our mahogany floors was almost as loud as the loud sighs coming from Mark. 

“You know how important this is to me, do you know how bad it looks that we’re late?”

“Well, what can we do about it now? We’re here. What point is it that you’re trying to make?”

“That if you truly understood how important this was to me, you wouldn’t have done your whole Hollywood glam routine.”

I knew it.

“But then if I didn’t look presentable, or I didn’t take care of myself, you would say I’m embarrassing you. I just can’t win.” I threw my hands up out of habit. 

He put his head down and shook his head. 

“Fine, whatever, I don’t care, let’s just get going.” 

I let him walk out first so he couldn’t see the look of resentment I knew was showing all over my face. 

I couldn’t help it. How MANY times were we going to have the same fights over and over again? How many more proverbial hoops would I have to jump through before he’d finally be pleased, even happy with me? 

Alyssa would say I was asking for it. “You knew what you were signing up for when you gave up your career for his.” 

I laughed to myself. What career? Alyssa and I had met when we were both secretaries at Goldman Sachs. She had advanced through the company and now held the title of “Investment Analyst”. She took the corporate ladder route, I took the fall in love, get married, have kids route. 

Yeah, and look at how that turned out. 

A pang in my chest shook me a little as I climbed into the slick town car. Mark was sitting on the other end of the bench seat, eyes glued to the phone in his hand. He didn’t even flinch when I sat down, buckled, and closed the door. 

It hurt to think about those times from long ago because it was a staunch reminder of how different my life had actually turned out to be. Was I naive? Innocent? Or just stupid? Living this reality was like existing with a permanent dagger in my heart. 

The car began rolling forward and we were on our way. After a few minutes, we were cruising down the I-10 when out of my passenger window I saw a huge, blue billboard. Two sweet children were looking at me with bright, white smiles. Another pang, and this time I let myself wince. 

The kid dream had died pretty shortly after we got married. I was always the one who wanted kids more than Mark, and when we spent 2 years trying and scheduling fertility appointments and considering IVF, it was at my insistence. When we got the bill for what 1 session of IVF would cost, Mark ‘drew the line’. It wasn’t about how much it costed, we had the money. 

“Why am I going to spend that much money on something that might not work when this isn’t even something I’m sure that I want?” 

Sitting in the stone cold silent town car, I wasn’t sure what was more painful back then, accepting that I wasn’t going to be a mother, or that the person I had married did not want to have children with me. 

Mark looked over at me, examining the look on my face. 

“Are you going to be alright? Is there anything I need to be worried about?”

He was asking if I was going to cause a scene or not at his very important banquet. 

“No, I’ll be fine.” 

Damnit, I feel so TRAPPED 

“You knew what you were asking for.” 

Alyssa’s words rang in my head again. I knew she was right. I had asked for this. It’s not like I didn’t know who Mark was when I met him. Charming, charismatic, ambitious. A go-getter who had dreams of starting his own non-profit one day. 

But is he still that person? 

I couldn’t believe that had never dawned on me. And now that I was thinking about it, it was so obvious. 

Of course he wasn’t the same person! Achieving his dreams had brought out a different version of him that I had never met. Proud, pompous, paranoid about what people thought of him and losing everything he had built. He was almost the antithesis of who he used to be. 

Damn, no wonderful I feel resentful 

Resentful because he’s changed? Or because I had? 

Our relationship was easier when I hung on every one of his words. When I thought he was strong enough to pick up the whole world, when I believed in him more than I did myself. When I bent myself backwards in the most awkward pretzel shapes trying to meet his every demand, every desire, every want. I was the perfect, people pleaser, trophy wife. 

I wasn’t sure when that had changed, when I had become a woman who wanted more, who felt hot rage at not getting more. All I knew was that it had changed, I had changed, and the fire burning in my stomach was not about Mark at all, but rather about all of my own needs that I’d spent the last 20 years ignoring. 

The lights were bright as we pulled in front of the convention center. The blue carpet was rolled out in the entryway, representing the clean water Tears of the Earth hoped to bring everywhere, not just Flint, Michigan who was the subject of this fundraiser. 

Mark looked over at me, clearly wondering what expression would be on my face when I exited the town car. It was hilarious to me, after 20 years, he was acting like he didn’t know me at all. 

Maybe he doesn’t anymore 

I plastered the perfect white smile on my face that I had showcased at so many of these events. I stepped out of the car with grace, my shiny black stiletto leading the way. Flashes from the cameras lining the sides of the carpet blinded me, but I learned a long time ago how to keep appearances in these sorts of situations. I raise my hand in an elegant wave, remembering the nights I would sit in my bedroom watching videos of Princess Diana and Princess Kate waving to the adoring crowds. I had so deeply wanted to be good enough, but that wasn’t so important to me anymore. 

Before long Mark was behind me with his hand on my waist, his other hand in the air waving, and if you didn’t know any better, you would assume we were a perfectly happy, successful couple. 

We slowly made our way inside, trading newspaper paparazzi for donors dressed in their finest waiting for a moment of our time. 

“Mark, old boy! Quite an organization you’ve built.” Mark’s old boss from Goldman Sachs, Roger, walked towards us with a sense of authority, oblivious to all the other people he sidesteps to get in front of us.

“Roger! Well, what can I say, I was given all the tools from the best!” They both laughed, and I held back vomit in my mouth at the pandering. 

“Rebecca! Looking beautiful as ever.” Roger leaned in to kiss my cheek and I did the same. “What are you up to these days besides keeping this rascal in check?” He roughly slapped Mark on the shoulder. 

“What makes you think I keep him in check? He never listens to me anyways.” Roger laughed, smacking his hand on his chest to express just how funny he thought my comment was. Mark was not as assumed, and shot his icy blue eyes in my direction, brow furrowed. 

“Well I’m going to go find some of the other ladies, you boys have fun.” I didn’t wait for a response before I turned around and walked away, taking a Manhattan off the tray passing by. 

To be honest, there wasn’t a single woman that I wanted to find and have a conversation with. Maybe it was the argument earlier, or my own thoughts, but I was not in the mood for idle small chat about their Stepford lives, waspy gossip, and who was the worst dressed of the evening.

I gave a few friendly waves to people I recognized before I made my way into the banquet room, and took a seat at my table. The good thing about being late was that there was less time to kill and impressions to make. 

Sitting in silence for several minutes, I read emails, looked at my nails, looked around the room. I wanted to be anywhere else but here. 

Then why don’t we just leave? 

As if it were that easy. As angry and tired as I felt, I couldn’t do that to Mark. 

The lights dropped. I looked around and realized everyone was seated. I had been getting lost in my thoughts all evening. 

Mark took the stage and the entire room applauded. I applaud too, with a little less enthusiasm. 

“HOW ARE WE DOING, LOS ANGELES?!? LETS GET THIS THING GOING!!” 

A popular Usher song began to play on the loudspeakers and everyone cheered. Hooting and hollering and screaming “Yeah!”. You’d think we were at a concert, not at a white tie event.

I stayed seated and took another sip of my cocktail. Mark didn’t even look my way. 

“Alright everyone lets be seated.” 

The music stopped. 

“Now I want to take a moment to thank each and every one of you for making the time to come out this evening. Kaylee and I put a lot of hard work into this night and we hope you all enjoy yourselves!” He gestured his hand to his assistant standing to the side of the stage as everyone broke out in another round of applause. She gave a shy wave. 

A pretty little blonde thing in her early 30s, she had gone all out for this banquet. The blue carpet was her idea. He looked over at her with adoration, and I down my drink in one swig. 

I had suspected for a while that she was the ‘new me’. She was just too…. familiar. Of course, I’d never found any proof to validate my suspicions. 

“Now now.” He smiled and pushed both of his hands down repeatedly, indicating to everyone to be quiet. “I want you all to have a good time, but there’s another reason we’re here. A reason very dear to my heart….” 

I did my best to hold back the tears welling in the corners of my eyes. I used to believe these speeches. I used to fawn over everything he said. I steal a glance at Kaylee and she’s looking at Mark as if he just solved world hunger. I remember when I felt that way, looked at him with those same doe eyes. 

I knew in my gut that those eyes were never coming back. 

So what was I going to do about it? 

Leave

The thought sent anxiety rolling through my stomach. And go where? Back home to Iowa? Daddy had passed on a long time ago but Mama was still around. She’d welcome me back with open arms. But God, what an embarrassment. 

But what’s WORSE, embarrassment or this? 

“….. without my lovely wife, Rebecca! Go on and stand up honey.” 

Everyone looked at me. Could he hear my thoughts? I put my drink down, closed my eyes, then stood up with the fake smile painted on and the lilted wave ready to go. After a few moments, I sat down, feeling embarrassed as my cheeks flushed. 

Mark looked at me with a face of triumph. Like he enjoyed the power he had over me. Like he wanted me to feel just how small I was.

“I really couldn’t have done it without her support. But she’s not enough.” 

You could say that again. 

“I need all of YOU too. If we all gave a generous donation this evening, we would hit our fundraising goal of 5 million dollars for the year. With tomorrow being New Years Eve folks, it’s now or never. The people of Flint NEED you. Time is running out.” 

Yes it fucking is. 

I didn’t give it another thought. I grabbed my bag, waited for the next round of applause, got up and walked out. Mark didn’t shout after me, I doubt he noticed. 

I texted and within a few minutes, the town car arrived and I climbed inside. 

“Where to, miss?”

“Anywhere but here.”