Doing my best at this point

When I was a little kid my favorite movie was Hercules.

He was just a guy who didn’t know where he belonged but believed that he was made for more. 

I felt like that as a kid, but the difference between me and Hercules was that he was actively doing things to reach his goal. While I was more focused on the part of the song where there was a far off place where he felt like he belonged.

Fast forward a couple decades, and well, here I am. Unknowingly moving through life, I had managed to get by mostly on my own, but I always wondered if that was really something to be proud of. Especially when you don’t have much to show for it, but I just keep moving, waking up, and getting a day done. Coming home to my loving girlfriend whose patience is running thin on me becoming something of myself.

I really understand her pain. We have been together for eight years, and really there’s no progress towards our future on my end. I feel crummy about it, but I can’t shake the feeling that something will come my way. Trying to explain that in a pragmatic way can be an arduous undertaking. 

Some days I can feel very motivated, and get some reading done on a A+ certification. I had gotten a Google IT certification, but my job hunt had been incredibly lethargic both in my effort and in the response back. Don’t get me wrong, I went hard for a month or so and I probably applied to over a hundred places, but not one interview. I found it weird, or I guess bad luck because my coaches had told me my cover letters were good and so was my resume.

My brother is in IT, and has been in for ten plus years, he always pushed me to do it and I don’t have anything better going on so I decided to go for it.

My real passion I think has just come along the bend and feels like it’s writing. I started writing little stories to a blog hoping to catch a dub (win) on one of them and put it my resume. The blog I write to gives a cash prize every week, I’m just tryna land one. I haven’t yet but I’m going to keep trying however long it takes. I even bought a couple classic books to learn some story telling components I can implement into my own work. I guess we will just have to see how it goes. Even as I write this I feel like something is lifting off of me, like a burden I’ve been holding on to for so long. 

I just get to thinking, yeah I’m thirty, but this could be the beginning of my life right now. Maybe if I dedicate myself to a routine I won’t need motivation to do anything, I’ll just do it because I’m used to it. We all know the hard part is just doing it at first, but by some existential reason I have amassed a positive outlook on life.

The reason I got into writing more recently was because I was really serious about my music. That was my first love, but then the wanting to try to shove in peoples faces always left a distaste of the game for me. I just wanted to create music and if people like it, they like it. That really isn’t a promising type of plan for an upcoming artist. So I still make music here and there, it’s not something I could ever give up, but I guess I just try to think practically on something I could do to make money. I love writing verses, I used to love writing stories in school, maybe now I can weave the two together. 

I am just trying to build better habits now. Things like; waking up on time, staying at shift the whole day, work out, eat well, you know, the works. Trying to change my mindset to I don’t have to do something, I get to do something. A lot of people don’t have the privilege. I don’t want to take anything for granted anymore. All of this sounds easy right now, but when the chips get down I know how this goes. I do believe in myself, so that is a start.

Next steps are put things in to play and stay focused. The hard part in my life is that I don’t need much to feel content. That can be detrimental especially to a relationship where we are supposed to be pushing each other to be better. But I know now, that I want to be better not just for my significant other, but for myself. I don’t want to wallow in my sorrows anymore, I never really had a role model growing up, besides Kobe Bryant. I want to be a guy that I would look up to. 

I never thought about life in that mindset before. It doesn’t have to be a nonstop grind either. I can stop to smell the flowers here and there. I can find time to relax and have some self care moments for myself as well. You know I do think people take life too seriously, but I just think I wasn’t taking it seriously enough. 

Things change, feelings change, but I know what’s constant in my life. Things I don’t have to question. I have to lock in on those things and take care of them. 

I know I’ll fall down here and there. I know I won’t always feel like I’m heading the right direction, but any direction is movement. That could be convoluted and puzzling at times, but sometimes just doing anything is better than doing nothing at all.

I hope that all changes today. To be honest, I couldn’t really tell you for sure. I know I can try, and not be be cliche but if one day you fail, everyday after is the beginning of the rest of you life.