What Was, and What May Never Be

The two walked in the meadow behind the Lovac’s pasture as they had done on countless occasions for the last twelve years, yet now their feet dragged in the tall grass and the boy looked anxiously at the girl, who herself was avoiding his gaze. Occasionally, they would see a bee in the distance and stop automatically in their tracks - the boy was deathly afraid of bees, and the girl had been so conditioned to protect him from them that even in this bittersweet moment she put her arm in front of him the moment one buzzed from a nearby flower. 

Nearly fifteen minutes into their walk, the girl remarked, “Spring’s here… look at the flowers.” She sat down upon a familiar rock and plucked a daisy from the ground, daring to smile at its youthful radiance. 

The boy sat down on the adjacent rock, also familiar to him. They had spent many an afternoon together on these rocks, talking about the future and all their clever designs… It was most often the boy who initiated the conversation, yet now he plucked his own flower from the ground and began tearing petals off with grim precision. 

The girl frowned. “Look, Joey… I’m sorry you didn’t get in, but that doesn’t mean-”

“It’s not your fault,” he said tightly. Of course it wasn’t. In fact, she’d been the one telling him to take school more seriously as he scraped by in every class. He smiled, feeling like his cheeks were working against him. “We sat on these rocks when we decided to apply to NC State, y’know.”

“I know,” she couldn’t help tears from welling up in her eyes. “I said I wanted to be a graphics design major… you said you wanted to do business.”

“Only because I had no idea what I actually wanted to do,” he said quickly, “I just… knew I wanted to do it together.” There was no convincing her to rescind her application, and Joey knew that. They had only applied to one place because they wanted to be sure they’d be able to get in together. Why hadn’t they picked an easier school? Why, he thought, didn’t I try harder? He picked a bunch of grass from the ground and started ripping it haphazardly. 

“Don’t give up on it, Joey,” she insisted, grabbing his arm and making him jump. “Lots of people do two years at Community College and then go to NC State to finish off. In fact,” she gave a shy smile, “that might be smarter than spending all that money for four years, anyway.”

“Smart and me don’t mix,” he scoffed. “You know I can’t stand school. And you know I won’t last in Community College, either. I’m gonna work with my dad in the fields… and probably die out there, too.” 

“Don’t say that!” she said sharply. 

He shrugged, turning away from her. They had been best friends since first grade; since Joey had needed a partner in gym class and she was the only one available. And the two hadn’t looked back since. He remembered beating up the kid - Jeremy, who used to bully her. And he remembered how she had helped him build up the confidence to ask Olivia out to the middle school homecoming dance. She didn’t know the other side of that story, though… and perhaps now she never would. 

“When you go off to State,” he said, trying to avoid crying himself, “don’t… don’t forget about me.” 

She grabbed his hand again, not knowing that every touch made it all the more painful for him. “How could I?” she asked, trying to meet his bloodshot eyes and failing. “Joey… I’ll never forget about you.”

How much that statement hurt him, she could not have known, but he felt an icicle drive through his back and into his heart. He looked at her candidly, trying to telepathically tell her what he hadn’t for the last six years; he was in love with her. True, he’d dated other girls, but only as placeholders while he tried to get the courage to ask her out. But telepathy wasn’t real, and she just passed him a melancholic smile and looked down at her sandaled feet. He wanted desperately to brush the waves of blond hair away from her face - to grab her pale cheek gently with his rough hand and turn her soft blue eyes towards him. But he settled for grabbing another flower and crushing it in his hands. 

“You’re really not gonna try to get into State?” she asked softly.

He shook his head. “I’d do it for you,” he said, trying to convey the depth of his words but failing, “But you know I can’t live like that. I’ll drive myself crazy trying to do well in school… I’m just not cut out for that kinda stuff.” 

She knew it to be true. “I guess…”

They got up in silence and continued walking. He tried to walk like nothing was bothering him, but his heavy body betrayed him. Joey was a boy built on a farm, with farm strength and farm clumsiness. He tripped over his own feet so often that it had almost ceased to amuse her. Almost. So when he nearly fell over as they crested the hill of the meadow, she only dared a small laugh. Joey smiled but cursed himself just like he did every morning, staring at his round, freckled face in the mirror. If I was more handsome… like Curtis, then maybe she’d love me, he thought, but who could ever love me like this? 

They walked along to the creek. They’d played in it so much as children that both of them knew exactly which rocks were supposed to be where. They sat on a pair of large boulders which had initials of past couples carved into the sides. 

“Are you really gonna work in the fields, Joey?” her voice was hopeful, as though he had any other future ahead of him.

He wanted to say, “Look at my hands. These stupid things are only good for milking cows and farmwork. Just like me.” Instead, he said, “Until I keel over.”

“Don’t say that!” she said again.

“Are you gonna come back?” he asked, already knowing the answer.

“Of course, Joey!” she reached out for his hand, but he kept them on his knees. 

It was then that Joey saw Alaina’s future flash before his eyes. She’d start freshman year with that sparkle of awe in her eyes that he loved, and she’d call him every night. But then the parties would start - he knew how it went at NC State. She’d meet some senior guy and have a hookup with him, and then she’d start calling him less and less frequently. He’d text her still, almost begging for a response, but she’d brush it off and say she was “busy”, when in reality she was getting ready for a date with another guy she’d met in a class, who was way smarter than Joey and probably a damn sight more attractive too. She’d go from the girl in modest skirts and jeans to the girl scantily dressed as a nurse for Halloween parties. That sparkle in her eye would be replaced by a maddening superiority, and when she came back home for the summer they’d barely recognize each other. He’d be mostly the same, but she’d have a whole world of experiences to alienate them. Hell, maybe she wouldn’t come home at all. Maybe she’d plan some sort of road trip with all her new friends. Then they wouldn’t even get the chance to see each other until after her sophomore year, but by then she’d probably be on some internship in New York City, further estranging her from the quaint existence they’d grown up in together. He’d still be working in the fields, collecting calluses and scars, while she collected money and boyfriends. By the time senior year rolled around, she’d be too busy finding a job to even give him a second glance. “Oh, Joey,” she’d say, “You look exactly the same as you did four years ago!” And he would reply meekly: “Thanks.” 

It wasn’t an assault on her character to think she’d have a long string of relationships by the time she was finished with college. He heard it happened to all small town girls moving into the city. Bridget O’Keefe had gone to Alabama having never had a boyfriend, and the way she told it these days, she’d dated every guy in the school. Country innocence didn’t mix with city promiscuity. He knew it, even if she didn’t.

“Joey?” she said nervously, “Are you okay?” 

They’d been silent for some time, with the only noises being the gentle, clean dribbling of the creek and the springtime birds which frolicked about in the woods nearby. He looked at her with raw eyes, knowing their futures were destined to drift apart. “Yeah,” he whispered. “I guess I have to be, right?”

She didn’t know how to answer this. Subconsciously, Joey was hoping she’d see his wounds and come back to him at the last moment, in a sort of romantic climax. Perhaps as they were hugging goodbye at the end of the summer. He’d pick her up in his arms and kiss her to reveal how much she meant to him, and she’d stay with him and rescind her acceptance. But even now he saw the will in her eyes. He’d seen it for years… if only he had the same will to succeed in school. But his life was now, and had always been, condemned to the tireless work of his father. 

“Y’know,” he said suddenly, “I remember when we were twelve years old and we first came to this creek without our parents. We thought it was the best thing in the world, and we splashed around like we didn’t have a care in the world - which we didn’t. But then I slipped and hit my chin, remember? I bit my lip so hard I made myself bleed. I was scared, Alaina… I was really scared then. I’d bled before, but not that much and not from my mouth. I thought I was gonna die. But you just took some water in your hand and threw it at my face.” They shared a smile, but he continued, “And then you pressed that hand against my mouth and you-” he broke off, knowing he was going too far by sharing what the memory meant to him. They both knew what happened next. She pressed her hand against his mouth and in a moment of juvenile maturity told him to relax and lie down on a rock. She then proceeded to wash his wound with water until it stopped bleeding, and they walked home in happy spirits. 

“I remember that,” she said quietly, throwing a rock into the creek. 

There was a breath of dead silence where Joey caught her gaze for a moment. He knew then that he had to tell her how he felt. It was now or never. Maybe he couldn’t convince her to stay, but maybe they could have a special summer together, after which she’d call him every night without question at NC State, and he’d come along with her on her summer road trips. He opened his mouth, finding his breath catching in his throat. “Alaina-” He stopped, blinking the tears out of his eyes. 

“Hm?” 

“Alaina, I have something I need… to tell you,” he wiped his forehead and sat up a little on the rock. She had wide eyes, but were they hopeful? Was she eagerly anticipating his next words, or was she dreading them? What if it were the latter? What if she flat out denied his advance, and it spoiled their last summer together? Then his last memory of her would be this somber meeting in the meadow, and every picture they had together would be tainted by his failure. 

“Yes?” 

“Nevermind,” he said hoarsely. She deflated a little, but he didn’t see it. He was staring at the water and wishing it were deep enough to drown himself in. There was such a sharp, deep pain in his chest that he swore for a moment he was dying anyway. His head felt light, and his heart was thundering along at breakneck speeds. He wanted to grab one of the rocks by the creek and smash it against his face. He wanted to run away without stumbling for once in his life, and he never wanted to look back. The fields… who cared about the fields? He’d be another farmer in a state full of them. There was nothing special about him. Nothing at all. He was a part of the refuse of society - the bitter detritus of its sweet fruit, and Alaina was the epitome of that sweetness. How could she be happy with a meager man like himself?

“D’you wanna head back?” she asked, her voice trembling. 

Joey nodded, helping her down off the rock as he always did, but feeling her recoil at his touch. He felt so utterly useless then, that he didn’t consider why she recoiled, thinking it must have been her inference of what he was going to say. “Alaina,” he said again, “If you… do forget about me… I won’t… I won’t be mad.” 

“I’m not gonna forget about you, Joey!” she insisted painfully. “You’re my best friend… and that’s never gonna change.” 

Just the words “best friend” hurt him. He was happy for what they were, and he cherished what they had been… but to know they would never be something more was excruciating. But he just nodded and kept walking, feeling her arm on his chest every now and again when she spotted a bee, though he didn’t care about that anymore. At that moment, he’d walk into a hive without a second thought; if it meant delivering him from this rending pain in his chest that seeped into every breath he took. 

They made it out to the road and took a left. Joey’s large feet dragged in the dry dirt, but he kept moving forwards. Why had he agreed to apply to NC State? Maybe he should try to get in… he could try for the next year, or do those two years in Community College and then try… but what would he find? A shell of the girl he knew. Alaina would have changed beyond all his worst nightmares by then, and he’d have put himself through the seven circles of hell only to find the betrayal waiting for him at the end. A dog barked in the distance and Joey wondered what it was barking about. Probably some bird or a squirrel. He envied its simple existence. It cared not for romantic love - it got all it needed from its masters, and it gave all it had in return. Joey smiled grimly, making Alaina smile as well, though she knew not why. 

Twenty minutes of silence passed before they reached Alaina’s house, just a few properties away from Joey’s farm. They hugged, and held on for a few moments longer than they would have on any other day. Joey felt a tear leak from his eyes and land on her shoulder, and she just hugged him tighter in response, as though she knew the words which were dying to escape him. But whether she wanted to coerce them out or push them down, he didn’t know, so he kept his brutal silence in uncertainty. 

“See you tomorrow,” she said the moment they broke apart. There were tears in her eyes. 

“Actually,” he said quickly, “I’ve got to help my dad with the tractor tomorrow, so-”

He was trying to distance himself subconsciously, and she knew it. “I’ll come over, don’t worry. We don’t have to go anywhere.” 

He smiled, knowing how much more agonizing it would be tomorrow, but feeling glad that she wouldn’t let him distance himself without a fight. “Alright then, see you tomorrow.” They smiled, and he knew that if they were dating, this would be when he kissed her goodbye. But instead they just waited for a second of awkward stillness before she ran through her gate and into her house. He turned and walked away, feeling sick to the stomach. He didn’t see her turn back at her front door and look at him with tears running down her face freely. Joey only heard the door shut behind Alaina like the dooming ring of a church bell.