Unwritten Pages

Day 1: 

So, a gratitude journal is supposed to make me feel better? Fine. Here's my first entry: GO FUCK YOURSELF!!

Day 2: 

Seriously? Writing instead of talking during therapy? Feels like a punishment. Great, another reminder of how much my life sucks right now.

Day 3: 

So now, daily prompts? Whatever, it's easier than pulling this shit out of thin air. 

Today's prompt: Describe a random act of kindness you saw. 

Val, the therapy dog, knew who needed her today. She sat with the quiet girl, who smiled for the first time since I got here. Guess that's something.

Day 4: Prompt: Describe the funniest moment from your day. 

Funniest moment today? A nurse totally wiped out trying to dodge Val's toy. It felt weird to laugh again like I was laughing at a funeral, but it happened. Maybe things aren't all bad here, or maybe I'm just getting used to the chaos.

Day 5: Prompt: Write about your outfit and why you chose to wear it. 

I'm wearing my oversized Nirvana shirt again today. My mom's from the '90s. She loved them, and honestly, wearing this shirt comforts me. Dr. Wade noticed and said he saw them live back in the day. We chatted about music for a while, and it felt surprisingly good.

Day 6: Prompt: Describe a place that makes you feel calm and content. 

The garden here is my escape. It's quiet and peaceful. Today, I just sat and felt... normal, like I wasn't trapped in this place.

Day 7: Prompt: What skill do you have that you're proud of? 

Today felt different. I showed the group some American Sign Language, and they truly got into it. It was weirdly uplifting, like I was actually good at something. I know ASL because my older brother is deaf. Everyone got really excited about learning more. 

Day 8: Prompt: Reflect on a conversation that changed your perspective. 

Dr. Wade got deep about my mom’s Nirvana shirt, saying, 'Memories can be sanctuaries or prisons.' That hit me hard. I've been clinging to the past, but maybe it’s time to start living for now.

Day 9: Prompt: Write about something you're looking forward to when you leave. 

I'm looking forward to teaching my friends ASL. It's part of who I am, and it feels good to share that. I’m also looking forward to spending more time with my brother. I miss him. He’s all I have left. 

Day 10: Prompt: Describe a moment of accomplishment today. 

When I taught Val a new command in ASL, she nailed it! Everyone was impressed. The handler said I have a gift. Getting that nod made me see things differently. Like, maybe I’m not just a mess of problems. Maybe I’ve got something real to offer. 

Day 11: Prompt: Describe someone who inspires you. 

A therapist here, who's also battled depression and came out the other side, talked about how working with animals helped her heal. It's inspiring to think I could turn my pain into something that helps others. It made me think that maybe there's a future in combining ASL with animal training.

Day 12: Prompt: Discuss the most challenging part of your day and how you handled it. 

Group therapy was tough today. It cracked something open in me. We talked about why we're here, and I shared a bit about my mom's death and how alone I felt after. Talking about my mom was painful, but it also helped me realize how much I've bottled up. Needed to use some breathing techniques to stay calm. Dr. Wade keeps reminding me that sharing might be the only way through my grief. It was hard, but I survived. 

Day 13: Prompt: Consider a new hobby you might want to start. 

Been toying with the idea of starting a vlog about ASL. You know, showing what it’s like living with my deaf brother. ASL isn’t just a skill for me; it’s part of who I am. Starting this vlog feels like I’m taking all the crap I’ve been through and flipping it into something big that could actually matter.

Day 14: Prompt: Write about a moment today when you felt hopeful about your future.

Dr. Wade suggested volunteering at an animal shelter or joining a program that trains therapy dogs. Merging my ASL skills with my love for animals could really be something. I never really thought about what I wanted to be when I grew up because I wasn’t planning on growing up. But this could be a plan. This could be something.

Day 15: Prompt: Reflect on how you've changed since arriving here.

I've changed a lot since I got here. This journal started as a punishment, but now it's helping me see a future where I can use my experiences to do something meaningful. Who would have thunk it? lol

Day 16: Prompt: What's something new you've learned about yourself?

I've discovered I'm stronger than I thought. I can handle a lot more than I gave myself credit for, like facing tough talks, finding reasons to laugh, and learning to share parts of myself. Before I came here, I couldn’t even function, and now I have a routine, therapy, and the tiniest sliver of hope. 

Day 17: Prompt: Write about a fear you've overcome.

Taught the group basic ASL today. I was nervous they'd laugh, but they were super into it. It feels incredible to share something I love and see others appreciate it.

Day 18: Prompt: Reflect on a moment today when you felt connected to someone else.

I connected with a younger girl in the garden today. I shared some ASL signs with her to help her express her anxiety when she can’t find the words. And, you know what she did? She thanked me! It's moments like this that make me feel like I could really make a difference.

Day 19: Prompt: Reflect on a moment of laughter today.

Laughed out loud with others over lunch today. It felt good to really laugh. Some kid made a joke about the  "mystery mush," and it felt like it was a typical school day with friends. Later, I started thinking about home and mom and how it used to be, and it made me feel lonely and sad. I let myself be sad for a little while, and then I got up and went to dinner with everyone else. I know I still have far to go, but baby steps.

Day 20: Prompt: What did you do for someone else today?

I helped a new patient understand how things work around here. Remembering how lost I felt when I arrived, it felt good to make her first day a little easier. She sat with me at lunch, but she didn’t say much. I hope she’s okay.

Day 21: Prompt: Write about advice that has helped you.

Dr. Wade's advice today hit home: "Change means finding new reasons to live." It's got me thinking about all the reasons I've found here to live. 

Day 22: Prompt: Describe a challenge you faced today and how you dealt with it.

Faced a tough session today without losing my cool. Using breathing techniques, I talked about my hopes without anxiety taking over the conversation.

Day 23: Prompt: What are you grateful for today?

I'm grateful for Val today. When I was feeling down, she just came and sat by me. Her presence is a constant comfort.

Day 24: Prompt: Write about a moment you felt proud of yourself.

I led part of today's group mindfulness session in ASL, making it accessible for everyone. The positive feedback was overwhelming. I love to see how much this can help.

Day 25: Prompt: Reflect on a lesson you'll take from here. 

It hit me today. This therapy stuff, the breathing techniques, the journaling, it all seems to be working. There was this moment this week when I would’ve totally lost it before. We were in group, and someone brought up losing someone they loved. Old me would have shut down or stormed out, but I stayed. I used those stupid breathing techniques, and it helped. I even felt calm enough to share something about my mom without flipping out. I'm starting to handle things that would have wrecked me just a month ago.

Day 26: Prompt: Discuss a realization you had about yourself.

Realized today that my difficult days don't define my whole story. I have so much to offer, and I'm ready to use my experiences to help others. It’s like I’m not just the girl who lost her mom or the sister to a deaf brother. I’m someone who can make a difference.

Day 27: Prompt: How do you feel about your progress in therapy?

Looking back, I can see how much I've grown. Remember when I could barely sit through a session without wanting to scream or bail? Now, not only am I sitting through them, but I'm contributing and helping others open up. It’s weird, but sharing my stuff about losing Mom and dealing with everything at home has made me stronger. I used to think this place would keep me away from my problems, but it's given me ways to face them head-on. I’m ready for what’s next, and that’s something I never thought I’d say.

Day 28: Prompt: Discuss how you might continue your journey after leaving here.

Thinking about volunteering at the animal shelter and taking some animal behavior classes is kind of exciting but also a bit nerve-wracking. Is this really going to be my thing, or am I just fooling myself? But hey, learning to train service dogs is worth a shot. I can’t think of anything else I want to do, so why not. I can take risks. I am tougher than I was before.

Day 29: Prompt: How do you feel about going home tomorrow?

I'm so nervous but also excited about going home tomorrow. Initially, this place felt like jail. But now, it's like I'm taking off my parachute as I'm about to jump out of the plane. I've changed a ton here and figured out things about myself I didn’t even want to admit were real. I keep imagining walking through our front door, seeing all the old familiar stuff, yet feeling totally different inside. And then there’s seeing my brother. We’ve texted, but F2F is going to be different. I’ve got so much to tell him. I really want to make him proud and show him I’m okay.

Day 30: Prompt: Write a letter to yourself about your hopes for the future.

Dear Me, 

You made it through this mess and found something you’re passionate about. Remember how far you’ve come, and keep that fire inside you. The road ahead might get bumpy, but you’re more able than you think. Stick with it. 

You've totally got this! 

Love, Me

Day of Discharge:

Today, my brother couldn't stop talking about how different I seem. The ride home was all about the future: starting an ASL club at school and volunteering at the animal shelter. It feels good to have plans that aren’t just about getting through another day but sincerely looking forward to tomorrow. 

I've decided to keep writing in this journal—not because I have to, but because I want to. It's my way of remembering where I've been and seeing where I'm going. I started this journal with a big 'fuck you' to everyone, and now here I am, not wanting to stop writing. Shows how much someone can change when they find the right reasons to.