No Higher Power

Two back-to-back tweets appeared in my Twitter feed last week:

From an atheist: Everything I have, hope for, love and look forward to is in this life. In death there is nothing.

From Pope Francis: Let us learn from Christ how to pray, to forgive, to sow peace and to be near those in need.

I was raised a Christian Scientist. Wikipedia explains Christian Science as a set of beliefs and practices belonging to the metaphysical family of new religious movements and goes on to explain:

Christian Scientists see their religion as consistent with traditional Christian theology, despite key differences. In particular they subscribe to a radical form of philosophical idealism, believing that reality is purely spiritual and the material world an illusion. This includes the view that disease is a spiritual rather than physical disorder, that there is no death, and that the sick should be treated, not by medicine, but by a form of prayer that seeks to correct the beliefs responsible for the illusion of ill health.

As a kid, I dutifully prepared for the lessons which had topics like these:

Ancient and Modern Necromancy, alias Mesmerism and Hypnotism, Denounced

Is the Universe, Including Man, Evolved by Atomic Force?

Suffice it to say, my comprehension of such lofty intellectual material was marginal at best. But I played the piano for the Sunday School and my mother saw Christian Science as a great source of comfort, so I just went along without really absorbing much of anything. One of my favorite quotes of hers growing up was “there is nothing lost in God’s kingdom.”

Conflict developed as I entered my high school years. We always went to doctors when we were sick, which was a big no-no in Christian Science. I remember needing to undergo a physical so I could play high school sports. I cannot recall whether or not I disclosed this to my Sunday School teacher, but I recall the discomfort of living contrary to the Church tenets. I also developed severe cystic acne. One of the key principals of Christian Science is that the material body does not exist – only the spiritual image and likeness of God. This really became difficult for me to reconcile as I suffered through sports related injuries and the humiliation of my acne. I would pray to be healed, but healing did not occur.

The last straw came my sophomore or junior year when I decided that I wanted to be a veterinarian. This, of course, was along the lines of being a medical doctor – something that was shunned. I seem to recall my Sunday School teacher at the time being gently neutral, but I began to struggle mightily with the subjects of death and dying as well as sickness. It seemed it was all a product of a weak mental state; that if I just believed, all would be good.

I last attended Christian Science Sunday School sometime during my senior year of high school. I got a job waitressing at our local country club and volunteered for the Sunday brunch shift. I recall conversations with my brother about how we just could not be true believers.

When I went to college, I would sometimes attend a Sunday service at the local non-denominational church. I found church fulfilling and the notion of God protecting me comforting.

My first serious boyfriend was an atheist. I remember being shocked as we spoke about religion in my dorm room. It was a fairly benign discussion overall, but my guess is that was the first time I allowed doubt to creep into my mind.

Fast forward to about fifteen years ago. With all the religious turmoil all over the world, I lost my belief in Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. How could he be THE Lord and Savior when millions upon millions of people have different beliefs? I thought it was plausible that he was a really good and decent person, but I could no longer wrap my head around the rest of the story. Instead, I began to look at Jesus as a motivational speaker. Always encouraging us to be our best and leading by example. A friend and colleague directed me to the Unity Church. It defines itself as a “positive path to spiritual living.” Jesus is an important component, but not THE Lord and Savior. I subscribed to the “Daily Word” email notifications and have somewhere between 20-30 saved on my home computer. The part I could best relate to was the philosophy that we make our own heaven and hell here on earth. The part I could least relate to was that we are all expressions of God.

I think I can pinpoint when I lost my belief in God. About ten years ago, I attended a funeral for the ex-husband of a friend of mine. There was a Hmong priest performing a Catholic service. I found it all rather comical and struggled mightily with the notion that I was being internally disrespectful. But it was at that moment that I decided that there is no heaven. Mark would not be going to heaven. Mark was the ashes in the urn and that was it. The service was there to make the survivors feel better. In the few services I have attended since, it makes so much more sense to me. A belief in God and heaven and hell keeps us going. It motivates us to try to behave ourselves.

I don’t believe heaven exists. I don’t believe hell exists. I don’t believe God exists. I believe that my life right here and now is all I have and that I’ve just got to make the best of it.

I have rarely said those words out loud. However, over time, I have learned that three of my closest friends are also atheist. That has helped me immensely.

It is still not a very comfortable world for atheists. Years ago, when the Duck Dynasty controversy erupted, I got into a very short, but very disconcerting discussion with a colleague. She was defending the Bible. I asked her: “what if I don’t believe in the Bible?” She then told me I would be going to hell. I responded by saying I surely do not believe in hell. She then yelled, “well you will be in for a big shock.”

Yikes.

I am grateful to have been released from that belief system. I just try to be the best person I can be every single day. To live with no regrets. To be kind to people. To forgive. Just as Pope Francis encourages us. However, I firmly believe I can do all that without worrying about pleasing a God of some sort, or that I will be doomed to the depths of a fiery hell if by chance I slip up. It’s just the right way to live my life. The consequences, as well as the rewards, are obvious.