Bbophbv

I’m an addict, but it’s hugs.  I need hugs.  But it’s more than that.   See, there are all these different types of hugs.  There’s the head-on hug, where two people walk or run towards each other and give each other a hug, and then sometimes they’ll let me hold on to them in the hug for thirty seconds or so and it feels like the antithesis of loneliness.  Wonder if there’s a word for that in English.   Thesaurus.com gave shitty antonyms for lonely like . . . I forgot ‘cause none of the antonyms were any good.   Then, there’s the bear hug.  That’s where people (like me) hug each other tight and keep hugging each other and we both feel, maybe I need to invent a word for antonym of lonely.  Maybe hugged, but it doesn’t always mean hugged, like when reading “Gift of the Magi,” and I get this warm feeling in my heart where there was a void, but it feels like I was hugged but nobody gave me one, so I’m going to press random buttons on my keyboard and that’ll be the word me and you (the reader) will use to describe the opposite of loneliness.  I’m closing my eyes.  Bbophbv.  Damn it.  Autocorrect tried to fix it.  

    There are side hugs where, as it sounds, one person hugs the other from the side.   There’s backwards hugs where you walk behind somebody and put your arms around them.  There’s the stand sit hug, where one of . . . Maybe the reader isn’t a moron and already know all the kinds of hugs there are.  If not, look it up on YouTube.   But, the hugs I want are different or maybe they’re the same.  

     Let’s talk about the hugs you won’t see on YouTube or maybe you will if you sign in and say you’re over 18.   They certify, right?  Right, we’ll never be able to get around that.  Never.  Friends have told me about educational porn.  The reader won’t understand that.  Look up “real anatomy,” on YouTube and answer “yes” to over 18 or you won’t see anything.   Cellphones, lap tops, iPads.   But there are other hugs, like adult hugs.   Things like mash pits where men and women at their wits ends are smashing into each other full speed because we need touch and then we can hug each other when no one else will hug us since we’re losers and rejects.  

        But it isn’t a homosexual thing or maybe it is.   Who cares? Everyone needs touch.  And there are videos of after sex hugs, which most people find boring, but I find invokes jealousy.  I mean, we own a dog and I cuddle with him and yes, I still own stuffed animals (go ahead and laugh), but imagine me and a woman laying (or lying?) in bed together.  She’s warm, just like the dog, and my hands, my hands are on her warm, soft breasts, except for her nipples . . . No wait, this isn’t about that.  It’s about being able to or maybe allowed to cuddle with her.  Warm fuzzies in both our hearts and I can feel her heartbeat through her breasts.  Wonder if that’s possible.  Well, this is my fantasy so she has a big heart.  And we’re both snoring.  Do I snore?   My dog snores, my dad snores, so I snore, right?  

    Then, comes the best part:   The next morning, she’s still there; in the bed beside me   I wrote a friend online and they said what I want is intimacy.  Not sure what that means, so I looked it up on dictionary.com and that person was right on.  

        Keep getting bullshit too.  But I don’t want bullshit.  Text sex, women and men selling nudes on their websites, but I look at the samples with and without censorship.   

        Go to bars with fake IDs.   With a beard, no one cards me.   See girls hugging each other and go to get one, too and the woman’s angry and asks me what the fuck I think I’m doing.  What am I doing?   I’m trying to feel bbophbv, like you two just were, but she tells me to let her go, so I do.  Maybe women don’t like hugs or they’ll only hug if they’re getting paid to.  Maybe the YouTube videos are CGI and the different types of hugs video is a scam.  Goddamn it.  

       But, I take deep breaths.  That’s what the speech pathologist at school said to do when I’m pissed or things aren’t going my way.  Breathe in 10 seconds, hold 10 seconds, breathe out 10 seconds, hold ten seconds, repeat.   I never like going to speech pathologists, occupational therapists, physical therapists, etc.  

*

       I think about it:   Why? Why is everyone else in the world getting hugs, but me?   I’ve studied hugs.  I ask my mom and she says she could give me a hug.  I took her hug, but I wanted to know why women my age aren’t giving me hugs.  How come others are getting hugs and I’m not.   My mom said I should shower more.  Typical Mom answer.  

     But I think about it more and think I have it.  Women have breasts.  The reason they don’t want me to hug them is if I hugged them, I’d be squeezing their breasts with my chest.  Is that it?   But how come women keep hugging each other if they both have breasts.   Maybe I don’t have it figured out.  I squeeze Plato (that’s my dog’s name).  

      Then, I go to school.   I’m teased at school.  Most teenagers with disabilities are.  What else is new?   Fights, principal’s office, detentions, the usual.   But, at 1 pm I saw my speech pathologist and she told me there was an opportunity to read to toddlers at a daycare.  Sure, why not?   Get me the hell away from schooling and IEPs, which never work and are bullshit.  Your tax dollars hard at work.  

*

     So, I went and it went well. I read “The Cat in the Hat,” by Dr. Seuss also known as Theodore Geisel, but afterwards, since I enjoyed it, I gave my speech pathologist a hug, but she didn’t respond the way people on YouTube responded when people gave each other hugs.  She said, “No, wait.  What are you doing?” So, I stopped hugging her, apologized, and put my head down.   She then stopped, did the breathing exercise, and asked what I was trying to do.   I was in trouble, I could feel it.  She wasn’t anger though, so I told her.  

     “A hug?   I didn’t know that.  Let’s talk about this.  Why are other people getting hugs and you aren’t?”

     And I said maybe it was because women have breasts and nipples,”

    And she told me no, that wasn’t why.  She (the speech pathologist) had breasts and she still liked hugs.  The reason why, according to her is I wasn’t asking, I was just giving people hugs.  

    “But what if they say, ‘No,’” I asked.  

    “Then you can’t give them a hug,” she said.  

     “But sometimes I really need a hug,” I said. 

   She assured me someone would give me a hug.  So, I tried it and she was right.  Communication was never my strong suit.