To Deny Happiness

It was a completely still night, and I stood looking at the train tracks, regretting everything. The police had already scrubbed the area clean, but in the darkness I could imagine the ground under my feet still covered in blood; the blood of someone I once considered my closest friend.

Her name was Alicia Grugle, but I always called her Ally. She was a beautiful person, not a blemish on her skin, with a personality to match. Her charms on her bracelet would clink together as she walked, matching her almost perpetual clear laugh. In a way she was everything I wasn’t, as I was a moody, pessimistic person. Yet the people she was with couldn’t help but brighten up, and I was no exception. 

Though sometimes the fiercest turmoil exists underneath the calmest demeanor. She was trapped in a toxic relationship with a man named Jin, an alcoholic. She met him in college, during a time in which she swears he was a better, kinder person. However, stress and monotony from his accounting job changed him. Instead of turning to his loving wife, Ally, he turned to beer and whiskey. Ally was too timid to say anything about it, and despite her constant endeavors at hiding the alcohol, he would always find a way to get more. I couldn’t do anything about it except sit by and watch.  

I personally knew Ally since I started working as the Dean of Students at Janus Academy. She was an English teacher there. To most people she seemed happy and fulfilled, but I knew that she hated her job. Her students always wanted things out of her — extra credit, extra time, extra chances, and she found herself constantly torn between her morals and her compassion. Too often she’d let her compassion win, and then other students would take advantage of her. When that would happen, I made sure she knew there was a seat in my office she could use to escape, and periodically she would take me up on that offer. It was those moments that made the rest of my job somewhat bearable. 

Wednesday, January 12th, I sat in my small office looking through my email. I found many of my coworkers very idiotic, though I would never say that to their faces. Not Ally though, she was different, being quick-witted and intelligent. I saw an email from Ally, and for a solid second my heart stopped beating. I opened the email. It was a brief memo about how her birthday was soon, and she was hoping to see me at the small party she was hosting. Attached to the email was a gif of a fox with a party hat on, spinning around. It was simple, but it was enough to make me smile. Then I remembered that she had a husband, and that I lived alone with only two cats for company. My smile faded. Besides, I had to focus. I had two boys coming in so I could reprimand them for making a disturbance in class. 

It wasn’t long before I saw their stupid grinning faces in my door. They could have at least pretended to be remorseful for whatever they did. Briefly I longed for the olden days when I could take a wooden paddle, slap some sense into them, and leave it at that. Now I had to actually have a conversation. They took seats in front of me and I asked them what happened. They explained to me that they were caught cheating in Ally’s class (Ms. Grugle to them), and when they were caught, they ripped up their test and threw it at her. For the rest of class they loudly played games in the back, ignoring everything Ally said to them. They ended their confession by mentioning that Ally never came to school the next day. 

At this I notably perked up. Despite her troubles, Ally was one of the most resilient people I knew. She wouldn’t just not come to school because of one isolated incident. I gave the boys my usual spiel about how much trouble they were in and how at our distinguished school behavior like this doesn’t go unpunished and how many detentions they’d have to serve — words were coming out of my mouth but neither they nor I were listening to them. Finally, I sent them back to class and went to go make sure Ally was alright. 

The first thing I did was call Jin, her husband. The phone rang for a bit before he picked up. “Hello?”

“Hi, yes, this is Ally’s friend,” I said

“Why are you calling me?” Jin asked. I could hear his words slurring despite it still being morning time and him being at work. I would bet money there was a bottle in his hand. I couldn’t help but think about how much of a disgusting person he was, and how much he had to have changed from the man Ally fell in love with. 

“I wanted to make sure Ally’s alright. Is she with you?”

“If you were really Ally’s friend, wouldn’t you know she’s a teacher? She’s not with me, she’s at the school. As for how she’s doing, she seemed strangely happy this morning. She said things were finally coming together.”

I thanked Jin and hung up, letting him go on with his day drinking. This was strange to me. Ally would not normally be happy after what happened with the boys in her class, and she wasn’t at home or in school. Suddenly, I had a revelation. Summit Train Station! Ally told me once she went there often to sit on a tree stump a little to the right of the station itself, watching the trains come and go. This was one of the things about Ally I never understood, as I found the trains loud and annoying. Since the train station was about a ten minute drive from our school, I decided to visit it just in case Ally happened to be there. With a weirdly sickening feeling in my heart, and gathering storm clouds, I drove there. 

As I pulled into the parking lot, I got a text from Ally. “Thank you for everything, I loved every moment I had with you <3”. I parked on the sidewalk, jumped out of my car without getting the keys, and sprinted to the tracks. The storm had started, and Ally stood in the middle of the tracks, with her eyes closed looking towards the sky. 

“Ally what are you doing?!” I cried.

Ally turned and looked at me, a strange expression on her face. “What I should have done a long time ago.” 

“You can’t be serious. You have so much to live for!”

Ally scoffed. “That’s rich. I have an alcoholic husband and a teaching degree. I don’t even like teaching!”

“You could leave him, and you could go back to college.” I was scrambling, trying to reason with her. 

“On our wedding day, I made sacred vows to never leave him, no matter how hard it might get. Also go back to college? With what money?”

Far in the distance, a train whistle could be heard. “Ally don’t do this. You have a future!” My eyes were getting wet (I couldn’t tell whether from the rain or tears) my voice was breaking, and my head was spinning. I couldn’t believe what was happening right in front of me. 

“I don’t want my future! I didn’t even want my past! It was thrust upon me.” Ally’s cheeks were turning red. This was a side to her I had never seen before. 

“What about your children?”

“The ones I teach? The ungrateful swine? I’m replaceable, as someone who works at a school you should know that too.” 

“Don’t do this,” I begged. 

“Who are you to deny my happiness!?” Ally said, her voice laced with anger. “Sometimes people just can’t take it anymore.” 

The train whistle sounded again, and as the storm grew in strength, I was growing desperate. “Ally, what about me?”

“You?” For the first time in our conversation, Ally looked taken aback. Yet she still wasn’t moving, and the train was in full view now. 

“Yes. You’re so kind, and funny, and happy, and bright, and every second I’m with you is a second well spent.” At this point Ally’s face was illuminated by the headlights, and she looked scared. I reached out my hand, hoping she would grab onto it and I could pull her out of this situation into my arms.“Ally, I lo—”

Unfortunately, I had mistimed the bullet train, and before I could finish my declaration of love it slammed into Ally at 200 miles per hour, killing her instantly. Her blood and pieces of her body shot out from where she was standing mere moments ago, covering the train, ground, and me. I felt my knees swaying, and my brain felt disconnected from my body. I had the sensation of falling as my vision faded into black. 

The person driving the train called the authorities, and I awoke inside of an ambulance, wishing I hadn’t. That next night and day were a blur. I called out sick and slept until 3 PM, at which point I realized I had to do something to give my life meaning. I made some food, turned on the television, and sat there re-reading Ally’s last message hundreds of times; when my eyes would get tired, I would read Ally’s email about her birthday party instead, eyes transfixed on the fox gif. After a while I couldn’t tell if my tears were from sadness or prolonged exposure to screens. 

As the day transitioned to night I went back to the train tracks and stood there. Only one thought ran through my mind — if I reached out sooner, if I spoke sooner, I might have been able to prevent this. 

I was suddenly aware of the breeze brushing past my skin, and for a brief second I could feel Ally’s presence, hear her laugh. Then it was gone, and I realized I was all alone.