The Silver Cross

I unlocked my shared apartment and headed inside. I was tired of school, work, and my friends. Everyone and everything seemed to be against me. I was diagnosed with depression a year ago and life has been really hard for me. My boyfriend, Chase, helps me get through my day. Chase was the best thing that ever happened to me. We were going to go out on a date tonight, but I texted Chase to tell him that I was too burnt out.

He didn’t respond to my text. I wasn’t worried; he was probably still at his part-time job, Starbucks. I decided that I was going to take a shower to relieve some of the stress in my life. I opened the door to find Chase laying on the floor. His eyes were open and he wasn’t moving. I saw a little container of pills in his hand.

I broke into heavy sobs and my knees gave way. I crawled over to Chase, my brown hair blocking my vision. I grabbed his wrist to feel for something, anything. There was no pulse. Chase was gone. I started screaming, hoping that someone would hear me. I pulled the small, silver cross off of Chase’s necklace before examining the pills. The container was a mix of two different brands of the same pill. Midol and Tylenol.

I knew that Chase hadn’t been feeling well earlier, but I didn’t know that it was this bad. I was studying to become a nurse in a university where my mom worked. I knew that both brands of pills contained Acetaminophen. Chase had (accidentally) overdosed while I was at school. I didn’t know what else to do, even though I was a nurse. So I laid there, on the cold bathroom floor, clutching onto his hand as if I were dying.

I must have fallen asleep next to Chase for a couple of hours because I was woken up by medical personnel. They were asking what had happened and I honestly forgot what has just occurred. I told them everything I knew and they took Chase away from me. I fell on my knees and begged them to save him. They told me it was too late. Then they told me was that it would be okay and left. They left me there. In my own pools of tears and sweat.

Chase was gone. He was erased from the earth. I would never see him again. The last thing that I had of him was the silver cross. Chase was a devout Christain, for almost all of his life, and he wore that silver cross everywhere. When his brother committed suicide, Chase had bought another silver cross necklace. We arrived at the funeral and when it was Chase’s turn to speak, he laid the necklace down on the coffin. Later, he picked it back up and hung it over his brother’s gravestone. Chase loved his brother as he loved himself. They were extremely close. Chase was so sweet to his family. That was another reason why I loved him so much.

I grasped onto that cross and laid on the floor for another hour, thinking about how much I missed Chase. He meant a lot to me. And he always will. I didn’t know what else to do but to call his parents. I dialed his mom’s number and waited for her to pick up. She didn’t. I left a message saying for her to call me back ASAP and then hung up.

While I waited around for her to call me back, I made myself some ice cream, sat down on the couch, and tried not to cry. I placed the bowl down on the coffee table and rested my head on my hands and fell into a deep sleep. I was so tired. Tired of the pain. Tired of the disappointment. Tired of living. Then the dreams started.

The first one was about Chase’s death. I was walking down a flight of stairs when a door opened. Chase was surrounded by about a million containers of pills. He swallowed a thousand or so at a time. He fainted onto the ground and I couldn’t help him. His eyes rolled back in his head and he didn’t wake up again. I tried to walk over to him and help him up, but I was being held back by ropes. I was stuck in place and couldn’t move. All I could do was watch him slowly die.

The second dream was about Chase’s brother, King. King had died from suicide. Chase never told me how he died, but my imagination took over for me. I was walking through the park and looking at all of the beautiful, green trees. There were delicate red roses blooming next to the sidewalk. I kept walking by the trees when I saw King. King was hanging from a tree; a rope around his throat. I ran up to him and saw his gentle features slowly melt into nothingness.

I awoke with a start, tears streaming down my face. I realized I was still on the couch with the melted ice-cream in the bowl on the table. I rubbed my arms to calm myself down. I stood up and put on a pair of shoes. I walked out of my apartment and didn’t lock it. I wasn’t concerned about that shit anymore. I made it outside of the building, where there was a road.

I looked around and waiting for a car to approach me. I didn’t care about living anymore. My depression and these deaths have impacted me on another level. Chase was the only reason I had for being alive. He was gone. Why shouldn’t I be gone too? I saw my chance and took it. I jumped into the oncoming traffic and awaited my death. I closed my eyes and breathed my last breath. It was almost peaceful. Relaxing, perhaps? I heard sirens and horns honking before I felt myself fade into nothing. I would finally be with Chase.