All is well

“All is well.

This is nothing at all.

Things will remain the same as they ever were, except where you and I lie. With you it has always been the same cycle: I leave it all and eventually return, then you do the same.

Like when my mother died, you left me feeling everything, and eventually, you came back after three months and made things right.

Then your dad died and out of remorse, I did the same to you, except I decided to come back after six. You know my paybacks are always a tenfold, still not sure why me being gone for more months than you was what made you mad. Out of all the things -like not being there for you, you chose to be pissed over the time.”

I sound like an asshole, maybe I should not say that. Not like I would have ever had the guts to say it.

“All Is well.

This is nothing at all.

Things will remain the same as they ever were, except you will no longer be a part of my days. This is where we depart- “

I sound like a train conductor- fuck it.

“This is where we depart from each other. I no longer need you- “

Scratch that. I grab the pencil behind my ear and erase it, thinking of other things to put. Hard to write a speech of someone you wish were gone sooner.

“This is where we depart from each other. Maybe our paths will cross again…”

What makes people sympathize with others?

Got it.

“Maybe our paths will cross again, as God has people destined to be with one another”

Religion always works. If I mention him more would that sound like I’m forcing it?

“Maybe our paths will cross again, as God has people destined to be with one another. He led me to you… at church- “

I chuckle. In what universe would anyone believe I go to church? We met at a frat party where I drank tequila out of a skittles bag and puked over the punch. Would it be weird if I mention that or make this at least more believable?

“He led me to you, and I fell for your beauty- “

No, that sounds like I only care for appearances.

“He led me to you, and I fell for your… charming personality”

Rough but good enough.

“We had a good run, but everything eventually ends, there won’t be a day I don’t miss you but…”

There really isn’t anything good to say. We were awful together. I can’t write a damn speech listing everything joyful we went through because there isn’t one fucking thing. So why did I stay for so long?

I pause. I stare at the greasy mirror with the slight crack on the edge and breath deeply. I’m getting frustrated over nothing.

“All is well.

This is nothing at all.

This is all a series of cursed events following one after the other and it’s been like that since the moment, I met you covered in beer after you called out a guy at that party after he tried to kiss you and I pushed him off and received that punch knowing I did something good.

So… how the fuck does one good action lead to having to deal with the most self-absorbed, selfish bitch like you for so many years?

You never cared for anyone, you got mad at me being gone for months and for what? You were more than glad that the old man died so you could get your inheritance. You were jumping and screaming about how we were going to take a vacation to London the day we talked things out.

That night at the party I found you to be beautiful, my mistake was thinking you were the same inside-out. I was a complete imbecile.

And our wedding… was the worst day of my life. I married a lunatic, a monster, I made the worst mistake of my life by sliding that finger on you, I made piles of mistakes that I ignored because you told me to.

And God must have heard my prayers, he’ll be the reason I start going to church because I will forever be thankful that he finally ended this.

Or maybe this is an act of the Devil- I don’t know, nor do I care anymore.

I’m just glad that you’re dead.”

I wish I could say that, because people will be dreading tears over someone who isn’t worth it. I don’t usually wish death on others and I would never have killed a person, but it was either this or a noose on my neck.

But for one more day I am willing to put aside all my anger then give that woman the joy of seeing me so defeated.

I tear the paper and throw it at the trash can with only some pieces getting in. I grab the jacket on the toilet matching my black pants and tie and fix my hair.

“She was the love of my life… she was the best thing that happened to me and I am grateful to God for the time he gave me with her. I loved her very much, but I know that she is at peace with everyone and everything.

Every sunrise and sunset I will remember her or putting up the Christmas lights and buying those spray cans to make the tree white, because she just loved how it looked along with the yellow lights. Those moments too will make me feel warmth.

If heaven is real or the afterlife I hope to meet again, because there will never be anyone else for me, and no one will ever replace her. I thank every single one of you for being here and joining me to say goodbye to Prim.”

A load of so many lies but it will be good enough. Now to find something that will trigger me to cry during the speech.