A Blank Canvas

Hannah looked out the window, wondering how such a sad day could be so beautiful. Besides the heartache she felt, it was a perfect day. The birds are singing to one another, the sky full of oranges and pinks, dancing and intertwining with one another as the sun illuminates them. The warmth of her freshly brewed cup of coffee between her hands, the coconut cream aroma that usually filled Hannah full of life and hope for what the day would bring, except for today. This aroma would fill her with confidence to do what needed to be done. She hoped This moment, this peace, was exactly what she had been striving for, except it would be with him and the kids, instead of alone. As she sipped on her cup of courage, she rocked back and forth in her rocking chair, gripping a letter that would change everything, not just for her, but for everyone. Before Darren (her current boyfriend), Hannah and her son Fredrick were all each other had, especially after the passing of his father, Skyler.

Hannah and Skyler had decided to end their engagement when Fredrick was almost three years old. Although high school sweethearts, they were also each other’s worst enemies. Once their worlds collided, that was it. All they needed was one another. Together they could conquer anything or burn everything to the ground. Although toxic together, they would create something beautiful.

Hannah, being the beauty with a huge heart, fell for the bad boy, but she soon realized he would be the one-night stand from hell, and she would be stuck with him until the day he died, the day she was set free. She could never foresee the decade-long whirl of hate, lust, love, heartache, and addiction. No matter how long she stuck around or how faithful she was to him, for some reason, she was just never enough. The drugs always won, and she was there to pick up the pieces. Although she didn’t share the struggle of addiction, her world was being torn apart as if she had taken part in the consumption. The exhaustion, the confusion, the stress, and now the baby, Fredrick.

Exhaustion weighed upon Hannah as she tried to tend to Fredrick, make sure the milk was still flowing, and find time to sleep with no help from Skyler. The last night, Skyler had been informing himself about his new Smith & Wesson, tuned into intervention, nothing else on his mind. In the morning, Hannah would wake to go to work to find an empty house, a note on the table, and Skyler nowhere in sight. In that moment, Hannah knew for the safety and future of her little one that it was time to create a path on their own. Later in life, she would hope that her little sugar butt would understand all the sacrifices that were made for him.

Years had passed. Accepting that baby Fredrick was all she ever needed to be happy, years had passed. During these years, Fredrick and Hannah created an unbreakable bond, and there were sprinkles of Skyler here and there, but for the most part, it was just mommy and her baby boy, learning the fundamentals to make a footprint on this world someday. Skyler had moved to hopefully achieve something in his life and chose to visit occasionally. Instead of making memories with his son, he chose to follow the delusion that Fredrick's future would be richer if he obtained a bachelor’s degree. He would flood Fredrick's seven-year-old ears with unnecessary mumbo jumbo about school that he couldn’t comprehend and would try to avoid as much as possible. Hannah begged and pleaded for him to finally choose herself and their son, to get better and just come home and grow with Fredrick by his side. She tried to explain to him for one last time that he wasn’t invincible in this world, and he wouldn’t live forever. That the moments Fredrick has now, that unconditional love, the sparkle in their eyes when they look at us, the longing to be in our arms, weren’t going to last forever and would be gone faster than we expected. Confused, Hannah wondered why he wouldn’t take a break even though Fredrick begged? Months went by and the phone call she had always expected had finally rung true. Skyler had made his final choice, and unfortunately it wasn’t Fredrick and Hannah’s advice was for the last time ignored.

Hannah’s last words to Skylar would forever haunt her, "Fredrick is better off without you. Stop expecting to find comfort in me. You’re not my problem anymore. Why don’t you just expire already?". Skylar had been in an accident and had gone to jail. Being the closest thing to a friend, Hannah was who he called. By this point, his addiction had spun out of control, and he had become erratic and delusional. She was done dealing with the same issue, and she finally found a slice of happiness within the arms of Darren. Skylar would not take this away from her or Fredrick. Hannah would soon find out that not even Darren would choose her in the end. 

Again, what was left of her heart would become shattered. At the time, Darren was still married to a woman named Karen. They had created two beautiful little girls, one aged eight and the other six. Hannah would never allow herself to have the stamp of a homewrecker or a badge of adultery, but for some reason, there was something about Darren that made her compromise on the badge. Although they were separated and in the process of getting a divorce, Hannah couldn’t help but feel a little shame. It was a strange feeling for Hannah to be the actual definition of a mistress. Falling in love behind the backs of marriage. He agreed to be a secret until he was able to tell his soon-to-be ex-wife that he had found love with her friend Hannah.

Internal demons ripped and clawed at her stomach with the worry that she may be living the next clichéd movie where the mistress never wins. The heart of a mistress is always worn on her sleeve and available to be stabbed or broken. All this is hanging there by a tiny thread of hope that soon she will have proven herself worthy of his love. The swirl of emotions, fear, and confusion whisk around in each child’s head as they come to terms with the severance of one family and the creation of another.

Darren soon started making it clear she was not important. She would brush it off but mentally file it away under examples of irrelevancy. From surprising Hannah at work for lunch but picking up the phone and talking to Karen the entire time, to Karen asking Darren "Where are you, home? "Are you alone?" he replies, "Yes, I’m at home by myself." while he is sitting in Hannah’s flat with their arms intertwined. Keeping her a secret the best he could, he bailed on plans to get together to spend family time with his broken family, promising adult-rated pictures and swearing to enjoy the ones he received in return. Although all of this had been discouraging for their future, she excused it away and outshined the bad with the light of love she was so overcome with for Darren. Darren, Karen, and the kids were on their way to Darren's parents' house. Darren assured her it was going to be a problem-free trip.

As far as Hannah knew, the vacation went smoothly, and he was tortured by Karen’s presence the whole trip and longed to lay eyes on Hannah again. When he arrived back home, Hannah was ecstatic to see him and immediately wrapped her arms tightly around him. Excited to see what Darren had brought back for her and little Fredrick, she suddenly realized that these bore no meaning, but instead were a last second thought on the way to the bathroom at a rest stop. Materialistic was not one of Hannah’s features, but she knew that Karen had received a very expensive watch from Darren, and this saddened her.

Their divorce came from numerous occasions of adultery on Karen’s part while Darren was out of town working two jobs, while Karen slugged around at home. Hannah could wrap her mind around the idea of her staying home if Karen showed some appreciation for the sacrifices and work coming from Darren, and maybe cook, clean, or put the kids to bed for him, but that wasn’t the case. Walking through the front door, he was checking into his third job as a father and housewife. The kindness that he still bestowed on Karen baffled Hannah. What could these cold-calculated women do to him to ever lose this respect? Hannah would learn that although he disliked her, for some reason, this kindness would remain forever.

Months went by after this realization by Hannah, and so she decided it was time to be the bigger person and contact Karen and try to find a way that they could coparent with one another. Darren seemed to be enlightened by this and gave her the green light before ending the phone conversation they were having, so Hannah could message Karen. As soon as she began her message to Karen, she received a message from Darrin stating that he was sorry, but he had slept with Karen on their Christmas trip. Hannah’s ears began to ring. Her vision blurring out, Hannah left feeling like a bomb had just gone off in her perfect little world they had been building.

A lightbulb went off with that message, that if it weren’t for her wanting to mend a friendship with his ex-wife, she may never have found out about his scandalous behavior. After explaining the pain that she felt from this news, she still decided to continue messaging Karen. After hearing everything Karen had to say in response, Hannah was left feeling like nothing, and being so numb that it hurt, being so broken that she didn’t know how to pick herself back up. Karen explained in heart-wrenching detail how they made love and that he was going to break up with her and work on his family.

At a loss for words, Hannah sat down to figure out what to do with all this haunting information. Especially when Darren had gone out of his way a week or so before finding this out that he would never hurt her or break her trust. Not only did he omit that he cheated, but he also made false promises and gave Hannah false hope, knowing that he had already broken each of those promises. She just didn’t understand how her perfect could be capable of looking straight into her eyes filled with worry and lying like that. How was it he was able to still sleep soundly with his arms around her, knowing what he had done? Where could she begin to heal her feelings of betrayal and insignificance? In her heart, there wasn’t a more crystal-clear example of how irrelevant her feelings and herself were to Darren. Was there anyway that she could forgive him for such a dirty betrayal? How could she ever trust anything that came out of that lovely mouth again? Was this repairable? How do you erase the mistakes that were made on the canvas before you started to paint? No matter how hard you try to cover it up, there’s always that smudge seeping through the cracks in the overlay.

After a day or so, Darren had come to win the heart of Hannah back. Tears overflowing in his eyes and flowing down his face, he answered anything and everything Hannah wanted solved. He also apologized from the bottom of his heart; it was so sincere it crushed Hannah for even being upset with him. He explained that she harassed him for pleasure and to shut her up he gave in, but there was just one question. No matter how many ways he tried to explain it, Hannah just couldn’t wrap her head around it. Instead of giving into her longing for lust, why didn’t you choose her? Everything always circled back to that one mystery: why didn’t he just tell her he couldn’t because he was in a relationship? Why was it so hard for him to bring pain to his cheating ex-wife but so easy to shatter her?

For the first time, Hannah was so confused. She had done everything right. She had respected him, accepted his children as her own, stood by his side in secret and controlled her very opinionated mouth and her sometimes explosive anger, all in the hope that if all those marks were checked, there would be no way he would want anyone else and he would drink up the love that she would provide him and the loyalty he always deserved. Her theory was broken and putting forth her best self and still being shoved to the side was a hard pill of reality to swallow. All these failed relationships that drained Hannah of any care and love she possessed were on her. She just didn’t deserve to be someone’s moon and stars. She would only shine when convenient and she had to decide if this was going to be enough for her.

Although Darren had ruined their beautiful portrait they had begun to paint, Hannah had never felt so strongly that these clouds hanging over them would clear if she was able to truly forgive him. Darren had destroyed Hannah’s trust, but for some reason she couldn’t let go of the hope that after he was no longer legally bound to this woman, that everything could be back to normal, go back to happy. Since it was a toss of a coin as far as the possibility of this, Hannah decided to gamble and take the risk.

Many months of happiness had started to repair the cracks in this once perfectly blended family, the secrets and betrayals buried six feet beneath. Darren was Hannah's ideal once more. He was a family man, and he was ever so smitten with Hannah and Fredrick. Hannah got to witness the truth in his ability to care for children and bring joy into their lives after being friends with Darren and Karen for some time. Although there was an occasional disagreement or debate, the family had begun to grow together. The children referred to each other as siblings and excitedly waited and begged for Hannah and Darren to tie the knot and to create another tiny human they could help take care of. Having a husband and children was never part of Hannah’s plan for her life, but she began to break down walls around this idea and allow the excitement to seep in. She was allowing herself to feel like she had finally found someone she wouldn’t hate growing old with.

Later, both Hannah and Darren turned over their flats and decided to buy a house together. Another step towards forever Hannah finishes the last sip of coffee as she rocks back and forth, saddened. This might be the last time she is able to enjoy the beauty that once was her safe place, her home. Reflecting on why Darren and she were never the same after his affairs, it dawned on Hannah that she had forgiven Darren, but she had decided there was no way to forget. It wasn’t fair to question every day if you ever mattered to the person you loved, and it wasn’t fair to exhume his mistake again and again, as in his mind, Hannah had forgiven him for it. She cried, knowing the pain that would follow for the little ones especially, but Hannah just couldn’t bare living a lie any longer. She had realized that she had visited the dark end of relationships with Skylar and traveled to the lightest with Darren and had ended up with the same result. No matter how much greener it looked on the other side, it was just an illusion. True love didn’t exist, and she was ready to finally accept that.

Hannah gripped the letter tightly in her hands as the stream of tears ran down her face. She left her last kiss to Darren on the sealed envelope, took a deep breath, and inhaled the beauty for the last time. After packing up the last of Fredrick and her belongings into the car, Hannah entered the kitchen, placed the letter on the table with her key, and a note that read:

Darren

This past year and a half, we have created some amazing memories that I will carry with me always, but I can no longer do this. I apologize for ending this in writing form and not in person, but I thought this being my last opportunity to get you to understand, putting it into words might be the best way to do it. After the loss of Skylar and the betrayals you have cast upon me, I have decided that I will forgive you for your weak moment, but I will never forget. There isn’t a way for us to be happy as one. Thanks to you, I have made a promise to myself to never let anyone make me feel irrelevant again. I am a woman who deserves the world and will no longer settle for less. I will find my blank canvas out there in the world and the only thing I am positive of at this moment is that Fredrick and I will be standing tall and happy in this portrait without another by our side or not. I wish nothing but the best for you now and forever. All I ask is for you to read this letter, really read it.

Love,

Hannah

Hannah took one last glance at her old life one more time and closed the door.