An American Werewolf In Danville

An American Werewolf In Danville

Once upon a time in a far away land known as Danville, Va., there lived a 16 year-old boy named Laurence Talbot. He was a really great kid who had a 3.9 grade average since he was in junior highschool in all of his subjects. He was the first string quarterback on his team called The Mud Toads. Well, maybe that wasn’t much to be proud of since their mascot had much room for improvement. He’d been dating his lady-love, Trixcie since they were in junior high and the relationship was getting quite serious. Plus he was voted most-likely-to-succeed in the whole school, so in other words, l. G., (life’s good) for him at the time, until that one horrible, fateful day when everything changed for the worst. It happened quite unexpectedly when his girlfriend, Roxanne, who was also voted most likely female to succeed in the entire school, and he went on their first date together, to dinner at Harbor Inn. They had a great time, finding they had many similar interests. After Laurence had dropped her off back at her house, on his way home something extremely weird happened which would change his life, all for the worst.

Suddenly there appeared a witch in the front seat beside him. It startled him which made him yelp. Then the witch said, “So, you’re dating Roxanne over me, are you? Well, we’ll see about that! Let’s see how you handle a curse! With each full-moon, you’ll become a werewolf!”

Then she disappeared in a cloud of smoke so thick Laurence had to pull over and let it out.

Yet when Roxanne mentioned a dance that night, he forgot the witch’s words and took her.

On that night during the full moon Laurence turned into a werewolf. He didn’t know it until the next day when he woke up in the woods with no clothes on and body parts around him.

The next day he went to see his family practitioner, Dr. No about his problem. He smiled and said, “Yeah, yeah. It happens all the time, but I can’t help you. You must see a witch doctor.”

“Which doctor?” asked Laurence hopefully, but his practitioner said, “That’s right. Next!”

and pushed him out of his office, extremely ready to get rid of that man and his fancy tall-tales.

Laurence read every book ever written about werewolves. He read it came from an ancient curse called Walpurgisnacht, which is where the name werewolf derived from. Yet all the books said the only way to kill a werewolf was to shoot it with a silver bullet. Laurence said, “Aw, great! All I need to do now is go find The Loan Ranger and borrow one of his bullets! That’s peachy!”

Still, the morning after every full-moon he’d wake up in a strange yard, naked and with blood all over himself. He was really getting more than a little bit tired of that after every full moon. Yet one time just before he had his amazing transformation he went to buy Roxanne a mink coat from some store that specializes in furs. The thing was he lost track of time and had his problem in the store. When the cashier was ringing up his perchance and saw it was a werewolf, she said, “We have all kinds of furs here but, Yikes! You’re a werewolf! Now, it is either that or else you’re just gonna, ‘ware-wolf’ out of this store! Take it! It’s on the house!”

Another customer heard her say that and said, “Hay! I’d love to, ‘ware-wolf’ more than mink!”

When Laurence came to at sunrise, he had blood all over his body, but would also be as naked as the day he was born. He had no clue which direction his home was, he had no wallet or money to buy clothes and was in his birthday suit. Now, granted, Danville is a really huge, “matropolice,” (excuse me, I have to stop typing in order to get my growing nose out of the keyboard! It grew so long after writing that last sentence)! Laurence had other problems as well. One was when he went to get a haircut and the full-moon came up. That’s when he grew 2 feet taller and his hair had turned into really long fur. The barber shouted, “Woe! Hey! This is going to cost you an extra $14.00 after this!” That’s when Laurence said before he was totally changed, “Yeah, well, make it a little light around the arms and legs, please!” Those scenes were really getting old fast. It was time for a change, because any baby will agree that,

“ ‘change’ is good.” Although the only thing that really matters to them is having mamma around to put diapers on them. That’s because those gals are great at, “dipeing” those things to them.

The next day Laurence went to see some other witch doctor. It’s quite difficult to find one since most hospitals have almost any other kind of doctors. He even tried a plant specialist named Dr. Pepper, but he was no help. Then he tried a heart surgeon named Dr. Love, but he was just as much help. He tried a podiatrist named Dr. Sholes. He tried a cardiologist named Dr. Love. He tried a brain surgeon named Dr. Franklin Norman Stine, but the words on his door turned him off since they read, “Dr. Frank N. Stine.” He tried a podiatrist named Dr. Shoals, but he was no help. He even tried a different general practitioner named Dr. Doctor. Yet when his turn to see him came up, another patient came running in front of him yelling, “Dr. Doctor! Give me the news! I’ve got a bad case of loving you!” Poor Laurence needed some kind of doctor’s help, but he couldn’t get any of them to, “doct” him. He figured painters will paint and singers will sing, and hunters will hunt, and lovers will love, so it made sense that doctors would, “doct.”

When he let his fingers do the walking through the yellow pages, he had to put tiny shoes on each one of them and couldn’t find any such doctors in town. What he, “red” caused him to feal like he, “blue” it. Well, actually, he wished that he could combine those 2 colors together to make purple, or so blue and have that be the color of paper he needed with the photos of Ben Franklin on them. He really needed some with Woodrow Wilson’s photo on them since he is on the $100,000,00 bill, which is the largest one ever made. Yet he felt just like a bird-brain, except the only kind of mail that came in his mailbox was, “bills.” He really wanted to have a, “fe-’male’ “ box, but most females don’t like, “boxing.” Even though The Greatest was really named Cashous Clay, but the only, “clay” he saw was the kind he used to make pots. Besides, pots spelled backwards is stop, only that word didn’t appeal to him the slightest little bit. Like the, “bitt” in a drill, which was the kind of sergeant he couldn’t stand when he was in the Army. One of the reasons for that was because he barked out his commands so rudely and all that barking made him feel like a dog who was really, “Ruff!” Dog spelled backwards was God, the one Guy he’d never talked to except at meals and bedtime, and then it was repetitive. At least with all those puns, he felt like he had something between his ears, even though when a neuro sergean did an e. e. g. on him he couldn’t find his brain. His mamma insisted it was there and to look again. That time they had to magnify what they saw, but at least it was there. When the Lord handed out brains he figured He said, “trains” and missed his. Another neurosurgeon was convinced he figured He said, “rains” and ran off to go find an umbrella to keep him, “dry,” the way he felt when he really desired a stiff drink of some kind. His drinking song went as follows.

“How dry I am, how wet I’ll be

if I don’t find the bathroom key.

I’ve found the key, now where’s the door?

Oops! It’s too late, it’s on the floor!”

At least one major blessing was that they had just built an Army base in town so he didn’t have to travel overseas and besides, he wanted to leave it in the Lord’s very capable hands be- cause He, “over-sees” everything that happens. Yet Laurence’s parents were Atheists and didn’t like him praying at any time, even before meals. Finally his daddy told him, “Here is a perfect way to say grace, “Bless the meat, curse the skin. Open the kisser and cram it in!” So that’s what Laurence grew up thinking was the best way to do that, but all he knew about grace was what people would call him when he’d trip over his own 2 feet. They would say, “Well, Grace! Walk much? Or is this the first day with your new feet?” They both hated the Lord.

Poor Laurence was at his wits end since he was so sick of going through his transformation period and not knowing whom he’d eaten the night before. That was terrible and there’s not much worse than a werewolf with amnesia. Laurence also hated seeing full-moons, not just because of the transformation period it caused him to go through, but they also reminded him of the grades he used to get when he was going to school. There wouldn’t ever be any 10s in front of those 0s. Regardless, his girlfriend, Belle saw him go through his transformation period once, so she knew it was he who’d killed the people and caused havoc amungst the villagers.

Anyway, that night, the moon would be full again, so Belle put the silver bullet into her pistol and waited for her boe to come along so she could save him from the miserable way of life he had been experiencing throughout all those years. She sobbed as she put the magic bullet into the gun. Yet something inside of her said it would be the best thing and it would benefit not only him, but everybody who lived in Danville. The streets would again be a safe place at night.

The brilliant full moon came up again so Belle cocked her rifle and got ready to cure her boe, Laurence of his terrible problem, not to mention the problem of so many people in that heavily populated city of Danville. Actually, if you would blink you’d drive right through it. The houses are so small all the mice are hunchbacked. It’s literally a poke-and-clean town, just poke your head in one and be clean out the other yet, that so-called, “big-bad-wolf” was still at large who craved human fleshburgers. He would eat them plain with no mustard or ketchup.

Belle’s eyes were so full of tears she could barely see through the sights on the gun. That was to be the hardest thing she’d ever done in her life, and yet it had to be done by somebody, and she felt like it was entirely up to her at that point in time to prevent any more senseless and unnecessary bloodshed. Most of all she wanted to deliver Laurence from his terrible affliction.

The full moon arose so she cocked her rifle and waited for Laurence to come snarling around.

Suddenly Laurence came walking across the backyard. Belle heard him humming Christ Is King so she knew it was him, and put the gun on her shoulder, cocked and all ready to shoot.

Yet she didn’t see a werewolf. Instead she saw her boe walking across the yard and singing praise songs to God, but the full moon was up. The silver bullet was ready to cure Laurence.

Suddenly it hit her. That’s an idea, not the gun. She’d always considered herself righteous and the Word said that, “The effective fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.” It was obvious what had happened. Her prayers had been heard and the Lord just delivered her boe from a terrible lifestyle. He popped-it and she shouted, “Yeah!” so they were married and had several cubs. Well, at any rate, the morel of this story is, “Get rid of some hex and give it some, ‘Hecks.’ “ They both howled at the moon and bought a huge den which was the perfect size for Laurence, Belle and all their cubs. When the boys grew up, they each joined The Cub Scouts and Belle became a really literal, “den-mother,” and so, like the best-written children’s stories of all-time will officially finish up with, “THEY ALL LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER !!!!”

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The end. By, Cuz Roye.