The Fall

Paul and Ryan fell to the floor, exhaustion seeping through their bodies like water. Electronics hummed as the train picked up speed, the movement of the carriage pressing against every ache and bruise they carried.

“Are we the only ones who made it?” Ryan mumbled, numb from shock.

“Yeah. Yeah, we are.” Paul said in a small voice, hand rubbing Ryan’s shoulder. He could feel Ryan trying to stifle his sobs, how tense his shoulder was under his fingers.

“It’s ok. Let it out.” Those words were enough as Ryan’s strength left him, and his sobs filled the cabin. Paul sat there silently as Ryan wailed violently, eyes burning with unshed tears. Paul closed his eyes, the tears falling silently, and pictured them in his mind. Katie, so cheerful even in the face of all the odds. Ben, methodical but loyal to a fault. Sarah, more concerned with other people’s safety than her own. Paul opened his eyes and stared at his left hand, sticky with blood. I’m the reason she died. Why am I alive and you’re not? Sarah’s terribly kind smile as she fell, Ben rushing to catch her, even as the ground collapsed. Katie pushing Ryan at him and her final words that he couldn’t hear over the collapsing rock.

It was a long time before Ryan stopped crying. He stood up, Paul silent beside him, and walked to the cracked window. He could see how Paul avoided looking at him, Ryan could only guess at what his face looked like by how sore his body was, how he still felt the sobs through his sore chest. He gazed through the front window of the train, vibrant greens and sunbeams cracked and multiplied through broken glass. When they bolted into the engine, Paul had only enough time to start it running. Ryan felt the tears rushing back at the memory and hurriedly searched for a map or a route schedule. He couldn’t think about it, not again. He wouldn’t survive replaying those memories. The world they lived in didn’t allow looking back. But he couldn’t see anything through his blurring eyes, he could hear Paul moving behind him and he still couldn’t find a bloody map or a route. Ryan slammed his fist against the console, pain coursing through his hand, but it was better than this pit in his gut, this hollow feeling where they used to be.

“Why did it happen?” He turned to face Paul, clutching his trembling hands together. “What happened? One second we’re all fine, the train was right there! And then, then they’re all gone. Sarah. Ben. My mom,” Ryan’s voice cracked as he spoke, “except for me, and you.” He clenched his fists at his sides, grief twisting viciously, eating itself over and over until all that was left was a burning in his veins and a pounding in his skull.

“I fell,” Paul said, and Ryan could see the tears welling up in his eyes, the way his face started to fall apart, “I fell, and Sarah came back for me, and of course wherever Sarah was Ben was two steps behind her. I fell, and she couldn’t have just left me there, how were we to know the ground wasn’t strong enough to hold everyone’s weight, especially when she bent down to pull me up cause there she went, taking Ben with her, ever loyal Ben!” Paul voice had grown to a shout, rough with tears and grief. “He just had to help her, and instead of staying to help I LEFT THEM! And then Katie had to go back and help. Because I didn’t.” He slumped to the floor, the lasts strings holding him up snapped. “I fell.” Paul mumbled, slamming the metal floor with his fist. Then again, again, again, again. Ryan watched as Paul slammed his fists against a bloodied floor and couldn’t bring himself to stop him.

“Get up.”

Paul ignored him. He couldn’t bring himself to stand, the guilt was sinking like a carcass into the depths of his bones. The only thing he could feel was the pain and warm gushing of blood from his fists. Suddenly, he felt Ryan’s hands grabbing his collar, trying to hoist him to his feet, but the weight of his guilt was too much, and Ryan was still so young, yet too old to have lost as much as he had. Paul wouldn’t move, no matter how much strength Ryan possessed. Ryan’s straining voice turned brittle, then rough as he let go of Paul’s collar now stretched and torn. The only sound between them was the swaying of the train carriage on old, worn tracks, the sulphurous scent of old fuel wafting around them. The sound seemed to stretch out, encompassing everything, filling up the space and leaving none for the words they wanted to say. Paul, on the floor ladened with guilt. Ryan, standing with all the fury of a vengeful god without the strength to see it through.

“My mum asked you to take care of me.”

Paul slowly looked away from the rust and bloodied floor in front of him and looked up at Ryan. He thought back to that awful moment, when Katie pushed Ryan away for the last time. Her eyes glistened as Paul looked at her, and he knew instinctively he wasn’t going to see her again. Then she opened her mouth, and the sound of collapsing rock died, the space quiet. Paul could hear her clearly, a rough voice an old reminder of cigarette smoke.

“Take care of my boy, Paul.”

Ryan could only watch as Paul began to sob. He turned away from him to give some modicum of privacy, it was the only thing he could do with this anger simmering in his veins. He gazed out the window towards the setting sun, orange light coating everything in a warm glow. He was suddenly filled with a sense of awe, the cracked glass twisting the scenery into something different and broken, and yet still the same. He knew then that they would never forget this moment, and this view, no matter how desperately they wanted to.