The Secrets We Hold

“Are you coming tonight?” Ian had asked early during the day, catching Sarah off guard. Seemingly harmless words, and yet Sarah still felt off. Onguard. She didn’t make it a habit to go anywhere on weekdays before work and most of the time, weekends were spent cleaning house or watching the latest on her favorite TV shows. 

So she was shocked as she looked up at Ian who seemed entirely convinced she’d say yes and they would go and hang out with the rest of Sarah’s coworkers and become merry in their friendships. Except… Sarah didn’t have friends and almost never hung out with anyone simply because it was too hard to do so. Most of Sarah’s coworkers steered clear of her from fear, and that didn’t bother the girl one bit. In fact, they were smart to stay away. Ian was kind, bless his soul, but he didn’t understand. The whole world didn’t understand what Sarah knew. She was, after all, a stressed introvert or that’s what they called her. 

Now, to come up with a believable lie that Ian would believe. She had a wide variety at her grasp, after all Ian was new to their company and he didn’t really know Sarah yet. She could go with a therapy appointment directly after work, or something came up with her mom. Her mom had died years back following the same lifestyle, after all, so no one had ever known that her mother had passed. They lived very, very lonely lives. But Sarah didn’t mind it, though. The same silence that seemed deafening for most was like a safety blanket settled over her shoulders. It’s hard to have people around you when you die so easily. It’s hard to have friends and people to lean on when your life was nothing but a horror story from the depths of the pit.  

The worst part was that Sarah actually had started to like Ian. Had become dependent on his bright smile and his kind heart. He was open and accepting of everyone regardless of their backstories or lifestyles. Their office absolutely loved him and snatched up any opportunity to become friends with him and be around him. He was the sun, with bright, fiery red hair and a million freckles plastered to his face. Everyone in the office were the planets that orbited close to him, absorbing his warmth and love. And Sarah? The lonely Pluto, so distant and far from the sun it never felt any warmth save for the rare moments it came close. 

She wanted to say yes to him, to leave her solitary lifestyle behind and go out and make friends. She had wished for a permanent life with friends who were attached to her and someone she could love. But she wasn’t dumb, either, and knew that distance was key. So she smiled simply at Ian and spoke in a quiet voice. After years of solitude, Sarah no longer had the energy to spend on people who would only be temporary. She longed for the safety of her books and fictional worlds that would always accept her and invite her in. 

“I’m sorry, I’m busy tonight with my mom,” Sarah replied gently before averting her eyes. “Maybe next time.” 

But there would probably be no next time that she said yes to. Sarah only knew one word. No. It was so easy to dismiss everything when it came to socialization then allow people to get close to her and expect something of her. She was terrified of them, and she would stand out as someone who’d never learned how to socialize and be active. This was safer for her, locked  away in her cozy little bubble depending on a world that would only chew her up and spit her back out. She couldn’t have that. Connection. What a pitiful word. 

“Ah,” Ian said with a gentle smile. “Of course, next time for sure then!” 

And then he bounded off with all that energy and left Sarah alone. To say it was like the very light and warmth leaving was an understatement. Sarah sat back in her chair with a heavy sigh before shaking her head. It was for the better, and by tomorrow it wouldn’t even bother her anymore. She had no need for attachments. 

When it was time to get off from work, the clock finally dragging itself around to 3:30 in the afternoon, she was relieved. Some days were harder than others and she could finally breathe as she stepped close to her car. Ian and the rest of her coworkers had already left on whatever fun night they had planned and Sarah was ready to return home, within the safety of her own walls. Figuratively, physically, it didn’t matter. 

The drive home was quiet, almost oppressive as it hung heavily on her shoulders. She pulled down the long gravel road towards the old beaten up mobile home that sat at the end of the lane. That very mobile home had been passed down through Sarah’s family since the year it had been built. It once was beautiful with baby blue panelling and wide, clean windows in the front. But that was in its younger years, now Sarah was the fourth generation that lived in it and the poor thing was barely standing on its own two feet. 

Some days coming home was a comfort only she could know. While her mother was still alive, the lights would be left on and she would see the warm glow through the shades. Now that her mother was gone, only darkness greeted her. As she pulled up alongside the house, she got out right as the afternoon sun settled on her back. It was warm, bleeding through her like the comfort she’d never gotten growing up as a child. 

The mobile home held so many memories, both painful and sad. But mainly, a plea for the cycle to stop with her. Having watched her mother die in front of her had reminded her that nothing in life was permanent and she would be a fool to forget that. Sarah turned her phone off as she stepped into her musty smelling home and set her bag down on the couch beside the door. Even the old plaid couch had seen better days with its stitches and seams coming out in small tufts of fabric. Sarah reached for her lamp and flicked it on before she made her way to the bathroom and readied herself. She looked at herself in the mirror and took a deep breath. And then she started to remove her contacts. 

She’d worn contacts since she could remember. The thin material between her eyes and the world was often the only thing that made her feel relatively normal. Sarah was born different, as all the previous women of her family had been so. They saw things, felt things that no other person did and so some turned to blocking out that feeling while others embraced it. Sarah was stuck in between as the last one left. On some days when she didn’t feel the loneliness creep in, she accepted it. Embraced it even, after all she was gifted with something no other person in the world held. On other days, like today where the call to be seen was so intense that it threatened to overwhelm her, that difference made her hate herself. 

She told herself once more, it was easier this way. As she turned around and faced the kitchen she was struck with a memory that refused to go away. The day she came home to find her mother bleeding out on their floor. She couldn’t take her to a hospital and so her mother had died right in her arms and Sarah had buried her in the back yard by the old Elm tree. The only place They didn’t go, so it was only fair that Sarah’s mother be buried there. And when Sarah died, she hoped someone would bury her alongside her mother. 

While the sun was up, nothing bad ever happened. It was almost like the calm before the storm, a fake sense of security. But Sarah still made it a habit to go and light every candle, turn on every light and await the impending darkness. At 7:40 pm, after Sarah had dinner and settled down to read a book, the sun started to dip beneath the horizon. She put the book down and pulled off her glasses before getting up. The sunset and sunrise were always one of the most important things to her. So she walked over to the window and pulled the curtains back. As the sky turned pink, finally to black taking the warmth with it, she said her goodbyes before locking her door. Outside, the wind seemed to still and the critters came alive with noise and activity. Living out in the country, that was normal. 

What wasn’t normal was the thumping along her front porch, a measly wooden one held together by nothing but cheap materials. Nor was the scratching against the side of her mobile home. As the sun disappeared completely beneath the horizon, They came to life as they crawled around her home. A world with a million of them, they never slept, never stayed away. She simply closed her blinds and migrated to her room where she shut the door behind her, locking it before moving her dresser in front for extra support. She probably wouldn’t sleep again tonight, not with how loud the big one was being. It howled and scratched at her door and the poor frame threatened to give as it pressed its weight against it. That monstrous thing.  

Yes, her life was lonely. But at least no one else had to die in the ways that they did around her. This was her family’s curse. 

Author's Note//

Ok, yeah not my best work but I really wanted to play around with a different story stemming from the same world in my other books. So bam, here we are. It could have been better, but this makes me happy. I might put Sarah into my future works, maybe, as an interesting "What If", who knows? ^_^