Moral of The Story

I could see her soul with just one glance. I could feel every ounce of regret, love, and hatred that she had inside of her. I didn't want to see it nor did I want to feel it. I didn't want to sympathize with her. Because even though she feels these things now, she didn't look back for even one second when she left.

My mother staring at me was almost like I was looking into a mirror, except for the fact that she was twenty years my senior. I have the same grey eyes as her, the same tanned complexion, even the same slope of the nose. I hated it. Everything but her eyes looked the same. She had aged a bit but you could barely tell by looking at her.

When I looked into her eyes, they were no longer filled with anger or malice. She just looked lost. And I'm not entirely sure what she was looking for.

She took a step towards me; I took a step back. Now, her hands were trembling.

"Bean." She breathed in a whisper. I tried not to hear it, tried not to comprehend the one word that she used for endearment. She used the name every time she made a small mistake, not a big one. Like the days she would forget to pick me up from kindergarten. Or the days when she forgot to feed me and my two brothers. Because of her, I had to learn how to grow up before the age of seven. I had to learn every rule to the adult world along with the rules for children.

At school I had to hide the bruises with turtlenecks and long sleeved shirts when it was past one-hundred degrees outside. I have a lot of resentment from this woman, but not hatred. I don't know why, but I can't have any hatred towards this woman.

"Bean, I'm sorry. For everything." She tried to come closer, but I stopped her with a shaking hand.

"You don't need to be sorry, I just need you to go." I hated the way my voice shook and how my eyes were looking in every direction but towards her.

"I'm sorry for how I left. I'm sorry for ever leaving you in the first place. Where's Nick? Jessi?" She sounded the same too, accept her voice wasn't was broken from all the cigarettes.

"Mom!" I yelled. They were in high-school, senior year in fact. But I bet she didn't know that.

Jessi and Nick were mistakes to her. I pieced it all together when I was older but on my tenth birthday, I woke up alone and cold. She never put the heater on during the winter. We were broke and couldn't afford such luxuries, she yell that to me every time she'd catch me shivering near the broken stove. She was gone all day. There wasn't a note to tell me where she had gone. There was no happy birthday cake on the counter tops. Nothing. She must've forgotten again. She didn't even ask the neighbors to babysit like she sometimes did. I remember the god awful feeling of just being so alone on my birthday of all days.

She came back smelling of cheap perfume, a mix of all different types of men cologne and alcohol. She didn't even notice me in the living room waiting. I didn't know why I was waiting since I knew this day wasn't any different from the rest of the 364 days. She told me that once when I had tried to tell her that it was my birthday.

After that night, she had started throwing up in every inch of the house. I remember because I cleaned it up knowing that she had no intention of doing so. A couple months later, she finally realizes that she was pregnant. I overheard her yelling at her mom because she wanted an abortion. She told her mom that she didn't know who the dad was and she didn't care because she was going to get rid of it anyways. I remember exactly what she said. 'I'm not having another kid that'll end up as an even bigger mistake than Liz.' And it wasn't until that point in my life that I knew she hated me. Maybe because I reminded her of someone that she wanted to forget or maybe it was some other useless thing that I didn't want to even fathom.

She planned on having the abortion but later found out that she couldn't because she was too far along. The pregnancy didn't matter apparently. She still went to parties, she still drank like there was no tomorrow. Then when they were born instead of making the smart decision, she kept the twins. So I had to raise two more kids on top of myself.

After 8 years of barely taking care of her children, she left in the middle of the day without a word, without one glance our way. Without anything. And that was the day I decided to stop caring.

After all I was just preparing myself for when this day was going to happen. I had quit school and gone online since my sophomore year of high-school. I had six jobs that took most of my time away. I saved the money secretly because I knew that there was going to be a day where we had to fend for ourselves. She hadn't been back since.

"Mom. I need you to leave now. I don't want your apologies and I don't want your crap in our lives, not again. So please, go back to wherever it was that you left us for and leave us alone." I was shaking all over but refused to believe that it was because of her. She had no right to affect me like this. Before I could even comprehend what she was doing, she took me by the hand and started pulling me in the direction of a rusty red Toyota.

"Let go of me. Stop. I don't want to go anywhere with you." When we stopped in front of the car, air had left my lungs. There was a baby girl dressed in a small yellow picnic dress sitting in a car seat.

This couldn't be who I thought she was.

"1 hour Bean. 1 hour and I'll leave you alone if that's what you want." That's really what I want.

"What if you kidnap me? What will happen to Jessi and Nick?" She smiled a little which caused a little pang of jealousy to hit my heart. It was a genuine smile that I had never seen. Whoever made her smile like that had to be one magical being.

"Why would I do that to my own daughter?" I scoffed at that. Maybe she doesn't remember all of the horrible things she did to me. Maybe she chooses to forget, either way it doesn't make me mad; it just makes me sad.

She opens the car door and waits for me to decide to make this one life altering decision. And by being the curious person that I am, I slowly make my way into the car.

Her name is Lilac. She's my half sister. Her dad is named John Louis . They met each other a few days after she left. They got married three years after and this is their miracle baby. She's six months old.

"I'm clean, I have been every since I met John. He helped me when he didn't want to or need to." She takes a deep breath. "I'm not telling you this to make you feel bad or to tell you that I'm happy. Even though I am happy and okay in life right now, I hate myself for being like this. In no way do I think I deserve your love or forgiveness for the things I have done to you." Tear were building in her eyes, but her voice was strong and stable.

"I wasn't in my right mind then. I was young and impressionable when I had you. Your father left me and I took all of that anger out on you when I shouldn't have. I didn't see you as a child that needed help growing up. I didn't see that what I was doing was hurting you because I didn't see anyone else's hurt other than my own. And I apologize." She took my hand in both hands. We stared at each other for so long, it seemed as if time had stopped moving. I still saw the lost look in her eyes but there was something that had never been there when I was growing up. Love.

"Mom. I don't think that I will ever forgive you for the things that I went through because of you. I don't think you deserve that from me." She blinked. And although there was pain from my statement in her eyes, there was also this understanding that clouded over everything else. "But what I went through and what the boys went through are two different things. We're all different people. I know that you didn't abuse them physically but you so mentally and I don't know how they dealt with it because they never told me. Maybe they've forgotten and maybe they haven't. But I do know that they would never forgive me if I saw you and they didn't. I want them to hear you out. You deserve at least that." I stood and walked to the car readying myself for all the hurt that I was about to witness.

School ended a few hours ago, but I know that they usually spend another hour or two on the football field for practice. Mom and I were sitting on the porch with Lilac when a familiar blue pick-up truck slowly turned a corner then parked haphazardly in the driveway. Then, a familiar head full of dirty blonde hair popped up from the top of the truck. "Who's she?" They both yelled when they were picking up their backpacks from the backseat of the car.

I put my hand on moms thigh, "Wait here."

"How was school? Meet any new people?" I brought my hands out wide so I could try to give both of them a big hug. It was nearly impossible since both of them were wide-set guys who were two feet taller than me. They hugged me back, but their eyes kept going behind me.

"Who is she?" Nick repeated.

"She looks familiar." Jessi was trying to be polite but also trying to stare her down.

I only had two pictures of mom in the house, and both of them had been stored in the storage closet across from the bathroom because I couldn't stand looking at her haunting face. Jessi had broken the frame one time trying to pull out a wool blanket for one of his friends staying the night. He didn't look at it for more than maybe ten seconds before sweeping up the broken glass and putting it in a box instead of getting another frame.

I patted both of their shoulders. "I want you both to be respectful and open minded about what I am about to tell you. I don't want there to be yelling or anything of the sorts. Just be ... I don't know- kind. At the very least."

When I told them everything, they were like frozen statues. They didn't know much about her and hadn't bothered asking as they grew up because they knew she left without a reason to leave. I knew that they were angry and they did choose to hate her rather than resent her. She didn't try to know them when she was around and maybe it got to them-the trauma.

I sat in the grass pulling an endless amount of weeds from the ground while trying to peep in on their conversation. When I did look up, they were all crying. Mom was smiling, Jessi was bouncing Lilac up and down on his leg and Nick was holding moms hand which was resting on his cheek. They had forgiven her. This meant that she was going to be in their lives. It would take a long time, a very long time to forgive my mother. But since the only reason for my living had decided not to hate her for leaving, I guess I could grow to accept her back into the family that she had unintentionally built.