Following Me

Allen was on his way home at dusk from the grocery store. He started to notice that it seemed someone was following him. The head lights were beaming into his center rear view mirror and side mirrors. He lives in a neighborhood with winding streets and hills. He made a right on Grove Street, and the car kept following him, then he made a left on Spruce Street, and still the same head lights were projecting on to the rear-view mirror.

Allen starts to get paranoid thinking who is following me, so he decides to take an alternate route within the neighborhood. Right on Metzger Street, left on Hatch Street, and still to no avail, the head lights are following him. Finally, one last ditch effort, he quickly makes a right onto Thatcher Street. The lights finally stop peering into the rear-view mirror. What a relief Allen thinks to himself, that was just too bizarre.

He gets home and unloads the groceries. He tells his wife and daughter all about the experience that someone was following him and how they finally went their own way.

“Oh Allen, that imagination of your is too much,” Blanch says.

“Dad, I love your sense of adventure,” Brenda says.

“I’m serious honey, someone was really following me,” Allen states.

“Ok honey, whatever you say,” Blanch replies.

“I believe you dad, do not worry,” Brenda comments.

The next day Allen gets up and is very happy because it is the weekend. He starts looking for his reading glasses because he wants to read the online newspaper. “Blanch, have you seen my reading glasses,” Allen asks.

Blanch responds, “No honey, I have not seen them.”

Allen thinks to himself, where did I put those glasses? He searches and searches and cannot find them. “Brenda, can you be a dear and help me find my reading glasses,” Allen asks.

“Sure dad, anything for you,” Brenda says. She searches the house and cannot find them either. “Well dad, I think you are going to need to go to the drug store and get another pair.”

“What in the world did I do with those glasses, this is the second pair I have lost in the last month,” Allen remarks out loud.

Blanch says, “Are you sure you did not leave them at work?”

“I’m positive I did not leave them at work,” Allen states. “Well, I’m off to the drug store to get another pair of reading glasses.”

Ok honey, see you soon,” Blanch says.

Allen heads to the drug store to get another pair of reading glasses. His phone rings and it Blanch. “Honey, can you get some black shoe polish, remember we are going to that special dinner tonight for the neighbor’s retirement.”

“Oh yeah, that is right, of course I will get some black shoe polish,” Allen says.

“Ok, see you soon,” Blanch says.

Allen gets home and finally gets to sit down and read his online newspaper with his newly bought glasses. He props his feet up and relaxes. Before long, Allen falls asleep in the recliner. Blanch sees that he is sleeping and lets him get in a snooze.

Later that day, both Allen and Blanch get ready to go to the retirement party. Allen is not very social and does not like parties, but he decides to go because of Blanch. Sometime later after they get to the party, for some reason, Allen looks at man named Robert who is a guest at the party, and says, “You are the guy that stole my money.”

Robert looks at him like he is crazy. “I do not know what you are talking about, I did not steal your money,” Robert states.

Allen says really loudly, “Yes you are, you are the man that took my money. Blanch this the man that took my money.” Everyone is staring at this point.

Blanch runs over, “Allen, Allen, can I talk to you for a moment?” Blanch apologies to Robert quietly.

She takes Allen outside and says, “What are you doing? You are embarrassing us in front of our neighbors. What is wrong with you?” Blanch says. She goes back into the party and excuses herself and Allen from the party. She lets Robert know that Allen is having a difficult day and that she is very sorry.

After Blanch and Allen leave, Robert comments, “What is wrong with that guy?

Ellen, Blanches neighbor says, “I think he had too much to drink.”

“Oh, I see,” Robert says.

Blanch is feeling totally embarrassed and does not know how to make things right with her neighbor Ellen. The next day she talks to her husband about what happened. She cannot figure out why her husband would do such a thing.

“Are you off your rocker? I do not know how I’m going to make things right with the neighbor after your episode last night, Blanch says.

“Honey, I’m telling you the truth, that man stole money from me,” Allen states.

“Seriously, how can Robert a man you do not even know still money from you? I have got to get out of here.” Blanch says angrily. She stomps out of the house and slams the door. Allen watches her get into the car and drive away. Blanch drives over to her friend Stacy’s house.

“Oh Stacy, I cannot believe how badly Allen embarrassed us at our neighbor’s retirement party last night,” Blanch says.

“What happened?” Stacy asks.

“He accused one of the neighbor’s guests at the party of stealing money from him,” Blanch says.

“Are you kidding me?” Stacy says.

“No, I’m not!” Blanch says.

“That is not like him Blanch, is there something wrong with him? I mean did he drink too much or something?” Stacy says.

“He insisted again today that Robert the guest at the party, whom he does not even know, stole his money. I do not know what to do Stacy. The neighbors must be very upset with us for causing such a ruckus at their dinner party,” Blanch says.

“Do not worry about the neighbors Blanch, you need to focus on what Allen is saying to you. He is trying to tell you something as crazy as it may be to you.” Stacy says.

“What do you mean?” Blanch says.

“I mean there is something going on with Allen, something that would explain his odd behavior,” Stacy says.

“You are right Stacy, now that I think about it, he has not been himself for a while now. He keeps losing his glasses and last week we found his car keys in the refrigerator. Before that he put his checkbook in the silverware drawer. At first, I thought he was just playing around, but after last night, something truly is off with him.” Blanch says while pondering the entire situation.

Back at the house, Allen goes into the bathroom, and under the sink between the hand towels he takes out an envelope filled with thousand-dollar bills. He says to himself, no one is going to steal my money from me, and he puts the money back in-between the towels. Next, he goes to his bedroom closet and takes another envelope filled with thousand-dollar bills from a shoe box. He puts the envelope back and says that guy is not going to get anymore of my money.

Blanch comes back home later that afternoon still thinking about the discussion she had with Stacy. On the way into the house, she checks the mail and brings it into the house. She looks for Allen but cannot find him. Brenda is in the living room watching a movie with a friend.

“Brenda, do you know where your dad went,” Blanch inquires.

“He said that he had to go to town to pick up somethings,” Brenda says.

“Did he say when he would be back,” Blanch asks.

“No, mom, he did not give me a timetable!” Brenda says with an attitude. Brenda explains to her friend that her mom can be a real control freak.

Blanch thinks to herself, what could he be doing. In the meantime, she starts to prepare dinner. While dinner is cooking, she decides to open the mail. There were some bills, advertisements, and bank statements. As she opens the mail, she notices that some of the bills were not paid the previous month.

“Hey mom, what are you making for dinner, it smells yummy,” Brenda says.

“I’m making chicken parmesan, your dad’s favorite,” Blanche says.

“Do you mind if my friend stays for dinner tonight?” Brenda asks.

“No problem honey,” Blanch says.

Allen walks in the door and gives Blanch a kiss on the cheek. What are you making for dinner?” Allen asks.

Hi honey, I’m making your favorite, chicken parmesan,” Blanch says.

That night after dinner Blanch talks to Allen about the late bills. Allen has no idea what she is talking about. He denies there being any late bills. Blanch shows him the bills, and Allen tells her that someone has been taking their money. She tells him that has nothing to do with the bills being late. At that point Blanch starts to get frustrated so she leaves the room to maintain her composure. She comes back into the room to continue the discussion. She asks Allen if something is wrong, that he has been acting different over the last months. Allen tells her that someone is stealing their money avoiding the question about how he has been acting, and that they need to call police to investigate. Blanch is again ready to lose it, but she keeps it together and tells her husband that they will call the police in the next couple of days. Allen is happy with the plan.

The next day Blanch decides to go visit her brother Richard who is a doctor. She tells her brother everything that is going on with Allen. Her brother tells her that Allen’s behavior sounds very similar to a possible dementia issue that he would need to go see a neurologist to get a diagnosis. Blanch tells him that is impossible because Allen thinks he is just fine. Richard let her know that she is going to have to get creative to get him there. Blanch starts to cry uncontrollably. She explains that she feels like she is dealing with a crazy person who does not live in reality. Richard explains to her that people with dementia do live in their own reality.

Back at the house, Allen gets home from work and Brenda is home from school. Allen goes to the bathroom and gets the envelope with thousand dollars bills in it from under the sink. Then he goes to the closet and gets the second envelope with thousand-dollar bills from the shoe box. He calls Brenda.

“Brenda, I need to talk to you,” Allen says.

“Ok dad?” Brenda says.

“Someone is trying to steal our money so I need you to hide some envelopes for me so no one can find them,” Allen says.

“Why don’t you give them to mom?” Brenda asks with a look of confusion.

“Brenda, you are going to have to trust me, just hide the envelopes for me, and if I need them, I will ask you for them,” Allen says.

“Ok dad, I will hide them for you,” Brenda says with a disagreeing look on her face.

Blanch gets home and starts to prepare dinner. Allen comes into the kitchen. Blanch starts talking to him about how she needs to go see a neurologist because she is having some issues. She asks him if he would accompany her to the appointment. Allen agrees to go with her to the appointment. Little did Allen know that the appointment is really for him. Blanch with the help of her brother Richard setup an appoint at the neurologist.

The next day after work, Allen goes to the bathroom to get the envelope with cash from under the sink. He panics because the envelope is not there. Then he goes to the shoe box in the closet to get the other envelope, and it too is gone. Robert broke in again and stole my money Allen says to himself. He runs into the kitchen while Blanch is cooking dinner.

“Blanch, I told you, Robert stole my money, and now the money is gone,” Allen says frantically.

“What are you talking about Allen? Blanch says.

“Robert broke into our house last night and stole my money?” Allen says.

Blanch thinks very carefully about how she is going to respond. “What money are you talking about Allen?” Remember, I told you we would do a police report,” Blanch says.

“Yes, we need to make a police report,” Allen agrees without disclosing anything about the money.

“I will call after we eat dinner,” Blanch says.

While dinner is cooking, she calls her brother Richard. She tells him the situation and ask if he knows anyone that is a police officer or a detective and that she needs a serious favor. Her brother says he will call her back. So, Richard gets on the phone with his friend Mike who is a private investigator and explains the situation. Richard calls Blanch back and says Mike will come by around seven to make a report. Blanch tells Allen that a detective named Mike is going to come by the house to make a police report about the stolen money. Blanch is trying to go into Allen’s world by bringing in Mike to make a fake report since Allen insists that someone is stealing their money.

The next day after work, Allen goes back to the bathroom and the closet to look for the envelopes with cash. He says again to himself, I knew Robert stole our money. He runs into the kitchen again and tells Blanch the same story all over again, even though they had made a police report the previous day.

Blanch responds, “Do not worry Allen, remember we made a police report yesterday.”

Allen says, “We did, I do not remember making a police report?”

Blanch hands him the report and says, “See, here is the report.”

He looks at the report and says, “Ok, I see.”

Brenda tells her dad she needs to talk to him. Allen goes into the other room. “Dad, I cannot hold this money for you anymore, it is too stressful,” Brenda says as she hands him back the envelopes full of cash.

“So, you are the one who has been stealing my money! Blanche, get in here!” Allen yells loudly.

Brenda says upsettingly, “No dad, you asked me to hide this money for you the other day, remember.”

“I cannot believe you did this to me Brenda?” Allen says loudly.

“Wait a minute Allen, let Brenda speak without yelling at her,” Blanch says sternly.

“Mom, I did not steal any money, dad asked me the other day to hide this money for him,” Brenda says while almost crying.

“This is a big misunderstanding,” Blanch says.

“Then why does she have my cash? This is not a misunderstanding, “Allen says.

Blanch says, “Allen whether you want to admit it or not, you have a memory issue.

“No, I do not!” Allen laments.

This is the life of those who care for a loved one with dementia. The family caregiver has to live in the reality of a loved one’s dementia and try to figure out creative ways to make things work. All the while, the caregiver is suffering inside as they watch their loved one with dementia slip away from reality.

It is a long grieving process for the family caregiver and all those involved with their loved one’s care. Sometimes it is very hurtful, emotional, and painful when the loved one lashes out, but the caregiver reminds themselves it is the disease speaking. The stress and duress of these relationships have a serious impact on the health and wellbeing of a family caregiver, and they need support and love in the midst of being in the trenches daily.

The process of discovering and finding out if a loved one has dementia is complex. Like in this story, Allen thought he was fine living in his own reality, but Blanch had to put the pieces together and understand what was happening. She needed to get the help and support of other family members. Dementia is a hard reality to face for the caregiver and the loved one with this condition. It is important to get the necessary help and support to face this challenge.