Already Broken

Pain often goes unknown. Unseen. Each person carries a burden on their heart which does not disappear with time. A handsome face, a pretty smile, will not reveal the hurt which lies behind it. People live as if they are happy, but when the moon rises, their tears begin to flow. Little do they all know, that those they deem the most unlikely, bear the same weight. 

I stared at the man in front of me, the picture of arrogance. He ran a hand through his black shaggy hair, chin tilted upwards as a sardonic smile curled his lips. He was tall, around 6’2 with a thin, lean build. His eyes, as dark as shadows, were slanted and reminded me of a tiger's eyes, full of intelligence and intensity. He wore a black leather jacket, dark blue jeans, and lace-up boots. Silver rings adorned his slender fingers. His appearance seemed to almost contradict our surroundings. 

We were seated in a small room with a fireplace, and guitars of all different kinds of varieties were hung on the walls. A keyboard with a mic and recorder sat beside a metal desk full of papers. The whole room was crowded with a million other instruments. 

In a different lifetime, I would have walked around the room with my jaw dropped, but as it was, I could only sit and wait for Liam Colt to say something. Anything. 

My hands shook. 

I could only imagine why he had called me here. 

Liam Colt was a famous Pop-artist who had recently agreed to collaborate with me for his next tour. I was newer to the music industry but had a decent following, and apparently a lot of people thought my popularity would only increase, thus the offer. Contrary to popular opinion, I didn’t write and sing for fame’s sake, but because I had promised someone a long time ago that I would continue singing, even when they couldn’t. I would keep that promise.

So when Liam Colt gave his offer, I was hesitant at first. But this opportunity wouldn’t come again, and if I did this, I would be settled and could just focus on my music without worrying about my income. 

I had been told that Liam could be a bit difficult to work with, but that fit with my expectations. Musicians nowadays were just immature children singing about their breakups. I didn’t expect Liam to be any different. 

Still, sitting here in silence was nerve-racking as I waited for him to speak. His approval, or lack thereof, could affect my entire career. I didn’t come this far just to have to break my promise. Liam held some papers in his hand and was glancing through it before he looked up. When he did, his gaze made my stomach churn with nervousness. 

“I must be blind, because for some reason, I’m only seeing trash instead of the song you were supposed to have written.” He forced a smile, but it looked more like a grimace. “I'm sure you can explain what this is, Florence Stratton?” He asked with suppressed anger, tone low as he waved the papers inches from my face.

I blinked. He was mad. Why was he mad? Were they that bad? 

“It’s Flo.” I corrected weakly, nausea hitting me as I waited for him to elaborate. 

He did. “What is this romantic crap?” 

My eyes hardened. “The lyrics to one of my songs we’ll sing…” 

He laughed shortly. “You’re cute,” he said, sarcasm dripping from his voice.

“We agreed that both of us would write songs for the tour, I don’t see what the problem is.” I tried to keep my breathing calm. I hated situations like this. They made me nervous, mad, and nauseous. 

“The problem is that I heard you were a great songwriter,” he said sardonically, “turns out I was wrong.” 

“If you’re going to give criticism, can you at least explain what you don’t like, or I can’t fix it!” I said, raising my voice. This jerk. Criticism was fine by me, but if he couldn’t even give me a reason for why he didn’t like it, that was his problem, not mine. 

He plopped the papers down on the coffee table, and I glanced down at the page, my eyes catching onto the chorus. 

I don’t dance anymore 

I don’t sing anymore 

Threw the key, locked the door 

You won’t ever get in, 

Cause I’m already Broken

I had spent hours working on this, and he just wrote it off as crap? What was wrong with this guy? 

He shook his head, running a hand through his hair and groaning. “Just fix it, okay? I don’t normally like to collaborate,  but I was told that singing with you would be a good opportunity. And don’t forget, I’m getting your name out there by doing this,” He looked at me, “I can make you or break you.” 

I stood, fists clenched. How dare he say he could make or break me? I wouldn’t be manipulated by some man-child. “I heard that it was the other way around.” I grimaced, his pride needed to be broken. “I heard that you’ve been having writer's block and needed new inspiration. That you’re using this joint-tour to cover up the fact that you’re floundering.”   

Liam’s eyes flickered. “What?” 

“You heard me.” My patience had run out. “If you want different lyrics, write them yourself.” I tossed the paper onto the table. “This isn’t worth it.” 

I turned away. I wouldn’t let my music be tainted by people like him. They were everywhere, like maggots over a corpse. People who had never seen or tasted pain, who had life given to them on a silver platter. 

They were different from me. I had to fight to get where I was. Everyday I struggled. Everyday I had to grit my teeth and keep going. I had learned perseverance the hard way. Whereas Liam? He had never really worked for anything.

I smiled bitterly. They would never understand. My pain was completely foreign to them. And it always would be. 

I heard Liam call me back, but I kept walking. 

It was raining. The clouds bent their gray heads close to the ground as they let their tears water the earth. Trees swayed in the wind, their branches moaning and the grass rustling as I made my way down to our spot. 

Tomorrow would be the day. The day everything fell apart. 

Tomorrow. 

I didn’t want it to come. I wanted to forget. For it all to fade away. Yet losing the memories would be too tragic. 

So I kept them, treasured them, despite the pain they caused me. 

He had loved this place. With the great red trees that seemed to touch the sky itself.  We came here so often. 

My lip trembled as one lone tear slipped down my face. I wiped it away, trudging forward until I came to the lake tucked away into the forest. A small cliff jutted out from the ground and hung over the pale water. I climbed up the side carefully, the rocks slick with rain and slippery.

“Hello?” I called out, not wanting to surprise whoever it was. 

He turned his head, and when his eyes met mine, my heart wilted. 

“Florence?” Liam said, generally surprised. He was wearing a rain-jacket, but was still soaked to the skin by the rain.

“It’s Flo.” I corrected it. 

He shrugged, “Are you stalking me?” 

“No,” I snapped, “why do you always think everything’s about you?” 

He smirked, “Why else would you be here?” 

“Because I like looking at nature in all of its beauty.” I said flatly. 

He grinned, “Then you must like looking at me.” 

I snorted, clambering up beside him. I wasn’t going to let Liam ruin this moment for me. “You sure are in a good mood.” I commented cautiously. It had only been a few days since I had stomped out on him, but the contrast from his anger before felt strange. 

He chuckled dryly. “I wasn’t in a good mood before, because I had to read a bunch of trash.” 

“Still on that?” 

He looked at me, “I say what I think. And what I think is that what you wrote needed to be fixed.” 

“Wonderfully vague as usual.” I noted.

He let out a frustrated sigh. “Why did you have to bring that up? Now I’m annoyed.” 

“I’m not here to cater to your every need.” The guy just continued to gross me out. 

He looked out at the lake as the rain rippled its surface. “I hate songs like that. The depressing ones.” 

I glanced at him, surprised at the way his voice had changed. He sounded serious, his eyes glued to the ground. 

“But they tap into reality,” I began, but he just cut me off. 

“There’s too many sad things in life,” he said, “I sing to escape, not to dwell on what I’m trying to escape from.” 

I frowned, “but you write about sad stuff all the time!” 

“That’s different,” He chuckled bitterly, leaning forward and clasping his hands. “I guess I didn’t like what you had to say in the song.” His eyes flickered, “to be honest, it wasn’t all that bad.” 

My jaw dropped, and I stared at him. He glanced at me and grinned. 

“I don’t usually apologize, so don’t get used to it.” 

“I don’t think I ever will,” I said, my eyes dazed. 

He turned his head away. “Your lyrics told the truth about myself that I didn’t like.” 

“Is that good?” I asked. I was seeing a completely different side of Liam than I ever thought I would. 

He nodded, wordless. 

I crossed my arms, staring out at the scenery. Fog swirled around the feet of the trees and creeped forward, shrouding everything around us in white. The lake, a gray lonely color, swelled with rain. The wind blew the tree’s so that the creaking of their branches sounded like a mournful song. We sat there in silence for a while, neither speaking. 

Finally, Liam stood. “I’ll see you at the studio tomorrow.” He tried to smile, but there was something in his eyes that told me tomorrow wouldn’t be a good day for him either. 

“I actually won’t be there…” I looked at the ground, hoping he wouldn’t notice the tears that came to my eyes. 

He didn’t answer right away, and when he did, his voice was strained. “Actually, that works out better for me. Bye,” and with that, he disappeared into the fog. 

The sun shone bright for such a dark day. I woke up to its rays and wished I could stay in bed. But I had to get up. 

For his sake. 

Throwing on black dress pants and a blue blouse, I pulled on my shoes and grabbed my purse before heading out. All around me, people smiled. So happy, so bright, on such a sad day. 

Why didn’t the whole world weep? It should. Yet not many people had known him. 

I gritted my teeth, buying the most expensive bouquet I could find. He should have the best. Of everything. Driving up to the small graveyard, I felt sick. My hands trembled, my heart trembled, yet I had to go on. 

The sky was blue, the birds sung and all seemed at peace as I shut my car door and let my sadness mar the beautiful day. 

I didn’t cry, rather my face seemed to be set in stone as I walked through the wet grass. Mechanically, I forced myself to go forward, even though with each step my heart fainted. 

As I crested a hill, my mind told me that I was close. Close…And then my eyes caught something. My feet moved quicker and soon I could see, not far ahead, a man standing before the small gravestone. His head was bowed, and I could tell he was crying. 

For a moment, I didn’t move. But my feet regained energy, and before I knew it, I was striding forward. 

“Who are you?” I spoke quickly, “What are you doing at Mark’s grave? What do you–” 

He turned around, drying his face as I stared. 

“Florence?” Liam said, still not saying my name right. 

I couldn’t speak, my tongue was glued to the roof of my mouth. 

“What are you doing here?” He asked. 

I swallowed, “I came to visit Mark’s grave…” 

His eyes narrowed. “You know him?” The suspicion in his voice was not lost to me. 

“Of course! I dated him!” 

Liam shook his head, taking a step backwards, eyes glazed. “No–” He gulped, “That’s impossible. Mark was my best-friend, he would have told me about you!” 

I sucked in a shaky breath, tears in my eyes. “We kept it a secret since I was staying in Canada with my Grandma, and we were keeping in touch long distance.” 

Liam crouched down, head in his hands. “All this time…” 

All this time, our pain had been the same. Tears began to fall, flowing silently. All I could say, despite the year of pain I had suffered, we had suffered without Mark, all I could say was “I’m sorry.” 

Years later, after we had done countless tours together, Liam still said his favorite song was “Already Broken,” the lyrics reminding him of how we first met. 

        I don’t dance anymore 

I don’t sing anymore 

Threw the key, locked the door 

You won’t ever get in, 

Cause I’m already Broken

But the thing was, we were okay with being broken. Pain was a part of the plan for our lives, and suffering was what brought us together. Yes we were Already Broken when we met, but we were slowly being made new, piece by piece, bit by bit. And one day, we would be healed again. 

Pain often goes unknown. Unseen. Each person carries a burden on their heart which does not disappear with time. A handsome face, a pretty smile, will not reveal the hurt which lies behind it. People live as if they are happy, but when the moon rises, their tears begin to flow. Little do they all know, that those they deem the most unlikely, bear the same weight.