The Touch of Fate

21/05/087

Dear Diary

It’s finally happened. My own personal Fate has graced me with her presence. She’s currently 5 metres away, looking like that classic humanoid haze everyone describes. I can’t actually tell if she’s a woman or not, I suppose fate doesn’t really have a gender, but I figure it makes the whole thing a little less terrifying if I can just pretend she’s one of the girls. 

Maybe I’ll name her, something non-threatening like Alice or Lilly. I’ll have to think about it.

Obviously, the first thing I did when she appeared was call Sarah and being the one person in this world who truly knows me, the first words out of her mouth were,

“You can’t dress it up.”

Which of course I knew. I had already flung many hats at the hazy part I assumed was the head a good number of times, before realising they were just floating through her.

Sarah had been touched by her own fate 6 months ago, during a one night stand with some random guy she met after a night out. Right as the man found his release. She said it was the worst end to sex she had ever had in her life.

It was clear what that touch meant and now six months later she’s waddling about with her swollen belly, making me wait on her hand and foot. I was surprised she kept it, having always insisted she wasn’t going to have a baby for at least another ten years, but after some (probably too intrusive) probing, she revealed that when her Fate touched her, it turned into what she could tell was her future child. She couldn’t terminate after that.

I suppose that’s the thing about Fate. Everyone's is different. Sometimes they’re with the person for only a week. Sometimes it can be a year. But the outcome is always the same. Fate starts a good distance away and as you get closer to the event that will change your life, Fate gets closer too. And finally when the event happens, Fate touches you on the shoulder and the hazy figure turns into someone relevant to the event. The event itself can be anything. Good, bad, pregnancy, death, a particularly embarrassing case of diarrhoea. Anything that will forever change your life.

In most cases Fate only comes once, but for some people they can come multiple times. I suppose it depends on how exciting of life you lead. God I hope I have an incredibly dull life.

Anyway, time to sleep. If I even can with the annoying haze in the corner. I wonder if she’ll be closer in the morning…

22/05/087

Dear Diary,

She’s not any closer. Looks like I’m in this for the long hull.

Today Sarah forced me to the doctor’s. I didn’t want to, but she went on a whole passionate speech about how I’m her best friend with my best interests at heart and that we should check if the Fate is anything that can be helped. Honestly I said yes just to get her to stop talking.

The doctors checked everything. If I’m pregnant, if I’m dying, anything that might indicate what my Fate could be. I suppose it could be useful to know if your unfortunate Fate is dying early. Fortunately, I am in perfect health and I have no spawn growing inside of me, which is an immense relief. I am more than happy to just be the fun aunt of Sarah’s kid for the near future.

Like most Saturdays we spent the day together, which consisted of me making fun of her waddling and her using such creative language to fight back, I was half tempted to somehow cover her stomach so the growing baby couldn’t hear its mother’s colourful language.

Sarah says I’m the most obvious Fate carrier there ever was. Even as we talked I’m apparently just staring at it. At one point to amuse myself I even asked it what type of coffee it wanted. I would have carried on if Sarah hadn’t stopped me, saying I look insane. Which is probably true considering I'm the only one who can see my hazy, distant friend. It also didn’t help when I told Sarah I decided I’m naming her Hazel, because of the haziness. She proceeded to remind me that I am the dumbest person she knows which I, in turn, reminded her that she is the most suck up person I know. Honestly I love her so much.

22/07/087

Dear Diary,

Two months. Officially two months of freaking Hazel and her freaking hazy nothingness following me around everywhere. She’s about 2 metres away now and I actually cannot stand this. How. How on earth do others do this?! The fact I have no indication as to what the hell it might be is driving me insane. How did Sarah do this?…

Sarah.

I’m starting to worry it might be something to do with the baby. It’s the only obvious event that’s going on in my life. If it is, maybe I’ll just love the baby so much that will be the event. Maybe. Because god knows what I would do if anything happened to her or the baby.

I don’t know. I don’t know what I would do.

29/07/087

They signed me off work today. I’m not sure what happened, but one moment I was at my desk and the next I was hurling a stapler at Hazel. I thought she was smirking at me. She doesn't have a face but I’m sure she was. Still is.

Because she knows.

She FUCKING KNOWS what my Fate is and she’s a smug son of a bitch about it.

Sarah forced me to see her therapist. I would have said no but it’s pretty impossible to do that to your heavily pregnant best friend.

It didn’t help. The therapist was nice enough I suppose, but telling me that Fate related panic is normal has not stopped my Fate related panic. I couldn’t tell her about my fears for Sarah and the baby, I wouldn’t even tell her how close Hazel is. Because what if saying those things out loud gives Hazel ideas? What if she’s planning horrific things right now. I know that if I tell anyone that they’ll call me crazy. That the Fate is more of a messenger than a catalyst, but what if they’re wrong?! What if she’s reading this diary right now… getting ideas.

Maybe I shouldn’t be writing in this.

04/08/087

Dear Diary,

Sarah gave birth today. She gave birth to the most beautiful baby girl I have ever seen. Both of them are healthy and doing well and I can’t believe I’m an aunt. Sarah named her Amelia Emily Mason, the Emily part obviously after me. Although I am so happy for them, I do feel like a complete fool. During the whole birth I couldn’t stop looking at Hazel, terrified of her lifting her arm to touch me. But she never did. She’s still a metre away anyway.

Because it was a no complications birth Sarah was discharged that evening and I drove her home. I’m staying with her for a bit whilst she finds her feet, because even though she’s a single mum, I’m determined she will never be alone.

Anyway, I’ve got to go and hide. By the sound of Sarah’s moaning in the other room, Amelia’s done a particularly stinky one and I am definitely not equipped to deal with that. God I love being the aunt.

01/09/087

Dear Diary,

It’s any day now. Hazel is right by my side just being her usual ominous self. However the closeness does mean I can pretend to chop off her head whenever I feel like it (apart from at work, best not to get signed off again). It is pretty fun watching my hand glide through her hazy neck.

Despite how close she is, I’m finding it easier to cope now I know Fate has nothing to do with the birth and (even though I will never admit it to her face) Sarah was right about the therapy. I finally opened up about everything, all my fears relating to Hazel, the horror of what my Fate could be and she had me realising that there is no reason my Fate has to be a bad one. It could be good or equally, something in between. Not all change has to be good or bad. Sometimes it is just different.

Or…

Maybe a modelling agent will see me walking down the street and make me into a superstar. Either way I wish the bitch would hurry up and touch my shoulder because the waiting is actually getting ridiculous now.

03/09/087

I don’t understand.

Why didn’t she touch me?

Why is she still here?

Was this not life changing enough?

Was this NOT ENOUGH?

WHY IS SHE STILL HERE WHEN MY BEST FRIEND IS DEAD?!

why

why

I don’t understand

It was just a walk. We’ve walked that road a million times. We’ve crossed that road a million times. The light said we could go, we did nothing wrong, she did nothing wrong.

She pushed the pram away right before the car broke my best friend.

There was so much blood. I don’t even know where she was bleeding from.

Her face. Her face. She had no face left.

Sarah’s face was gone and Fate still didn’t deem that life changing enough to touch me.

WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT HAZEL?! HOW MUCH MORE CAN MY LIFE BE RUINED BEFORE YOU DEEM IT LIFE CHANGING ENOUGH?!”

I HATE YOU! WHY CAN’T YOU JUST LEAVE ME ALONE?! 

IHATEYOUIHATEYOUIHATEYOUIHATEYOUIHATYOU

05/08/087

Dear Diary,

I had a visitor today. I was already holding Amelia when I opened the door. I think I’m scared to put her down.

It was the executor of Sarah’s will. Her very, very, simple will. Everything is to go to me, except for a portion of savings which will go to Amelia when she turns eighteen.

And Amelia… If I want to.. If I feel ready to… Sarah has named me her legal guardian.

And that was when I felt a familiar, comforting hand on my shoulder. There was Sarah, smiling at me, trusting me to do the right thing.

I could never say no to her.