Stubborn Heart in the Light of Day

“Just call her, for the sake of all of us put your damn pride to one side and pick up your phone!” Lizzie whisper-shouts, gesturing to her group of friends around the table.

Some coffee drinkers and breakfast eaters on the tables surrounding them glance their way. Lizzie shrinks in her chair, hiding behind her large latte.

           “I would, Lizzie, but I have no desire to. I don’t miss her, and I certainly don’t need her. You’ll all just have to get over it.” Rowan shrugs, trying to ignore the miserable expressions on her friends’ faces.

Rowan’s phone buzzes beside her plate of unbuttered toast. She glances at it and flips it face down, letting it continue to ring. Alice leaps out of her seat from across the table, creating an earthquake of croissants and spilled espresso. She reaches the phone before it stops ringing and answers without looking at who it is. Rowan sprints towards Alice, cursing blindly at her as she jogs away. The others cheer for Alice, watching as she bats away Rowan’s attacks.

           “Alice! Hang up right now!”

           “Hi Evie, it’s Alice on Rowan’s phone. Listen, it’s really weird without you here and I don’t get why-“ Alice ducks a swing from Rowan and runs to hide behind Lizzie. “- you can’t just come and hang out with us. Make up with Rowan, you’ve been friends for so long don’t let one silly fight get in the way!”

Rowan snatches her phone from Alice’s clutches, “Evie, I’m sorry about her, can you just stop calling me?”

“Please hear me out.” Evie pleads on the other side of the line.

Lizzie leans over to Alice and asks what happened between them quietly. Alice explains that she thinks they had a moment and it blurred the lines separating friends from lovers.

           “You’re joking!” Lizzie’s eyes widen in surprise. She looks over at Rowan who is talking sternly and pacing beside the table.

           “Nope. Evie told me. Now Rowan doesn’t even want to be friends with her. It’s gotta be denial.”

“Denial about what? You don’t think she actually likes Evie?”

Alice raises her eyebrows, “You’ve seen them together, it was only a matter of time. I think she’s just scared.”

“Rowan? Of what?” Lizzie asks conspiratorially.

Lucy, who has been quietly taking everything in up until this point, scolds them for gossiping. She hesitates and then looks behind her at Rowan.

           “Okay, I’m going to say one thing, and then I won’t comment on the situation further.” Lucy bites her lip nervously.

           “Go on.” Lizzie and Alice say at the same time.

           “This has been going on way longer than any of you realise. Evie always makes me go out when Rowan comes round. I used to think it was because they were working on a pitch for work or something and never cared enough to ask, but now it’s clear to me that something else has been going on. Anyway, I made Evie think I wasn’t in one day and Rowan came round… the whole time they were arguing.”

           “About what?” Alice asks in a hushed voice.

           “I shouldn’t say.”

           “Oh my god, come on.”

           “Okay, fine. I couldn’t hear anything but from what I could gather from snippets Evie was convincing her of something and Rowan kept saying that she couldn’t, and it had gone too far already.”

           “Secret love affair… that’s crazy.” Lizzie shakes her head.

           “Shut up, Lizzie. Wait, so did it sound like Rowan was breaking up with her?”

           “More like she was ending something before it began.”

           “God, that’s so sad. Poor Evie.” Alice slouches in her chair, frowning thoughtfully at Rowan.

The phone conversation sounds more heated as time goes on and Rowan glances at her friends, offering a fake smile. The café bell on the door rings as it opens, and she looks instinctively towards the entrance. She almost drops her phone as the person talking into her ear appears in front of her. Evie hangs up the phone, walking towards Rowan slowly. She holds her phone up to her ear as Evie approaches, processing. Lizzie points at them, gasping.

           “What are you doing here?” Rowan looks like she might scream. Her cheeks burn red as she feels the gaze of her friends on her back. “What am I supposed to tell them?”

           “I don’t care about them. I just need you to actually hear what I’m saying. I don’t need you, Rowan. I have never needed anyone. Relying on people is just a set up for loneliness.”

           “Message received. You can leave now.” Rowan darts her eyes to the door Evie came from, stepping back from her.

Evie holds back tears, refusing to cry in public. Her jaw clenches and she stares down at the floor, gathering herself. She takes a deep breath and looks around her for the first time since she entered the building. She’s thankful to see that the café is mostly empty, and the customers are all unbothered by the commotion at their table.

You came here to tell her you don’t need her. Evie reminds herself. You’re not going to let her end it before you do. She can hardly begin to say anything more before Lucy stands up. Rowan and Evie turn to Lucy, surprised to see it’s her that’s getting involved out of the three.

           “I have been a bystander in this… spark between the two of you that neither of you will let turn into a flame, and I have had enough. For months you’ve been avoiding each other and then giving in and meeting and then fighting about it! I can’t take it. Don’t you think that if neither of you needed each other, as you both love to say, you’d have just moved on by now?”

Rowan can’t believe that Lucy is speaking about the existence of their secret relationship as if it’s nothing. She tries to find a reason to explain why they haven’t moved on but comes up short. The idea that she may actually need Evie is one she had not entertained in the entirety of her on-again-off-again relationship with her. She dares a glance at Evie who looks suddenly small and vulnerable. Evie looks at Lizzie and Alice who provide warm smiles. She takes a shaky breath.

           “Do you all know?” She’s met with silence. It tells her all she needs to know.

           “You’ve turned what could have been something good into a game of jealousy and toxicity. Why? Because you didn’t want to admit you could be more than friends and be happy together? I know it’s none of my business, but I can’t watch two of my best friends destroy each other out of stubbornness.”

Evie looks at Rowan. Her business partner. Her friend. The person she has been thinking about for the last three months. She almost laughs at how ridiculous they have both been. How could it have taken this long for her to see that she not only needs Rowan, but she loves her? The more she thinks about it the funnier it seems. She stifles her laugh in her hands, alarming everyone.

           “Sorry.” She snorts. “It’s just… of course I need you. What the hell have we been doing? Can we stop wasting time?”

The air feels thick in the space before Rowan answers. Lucy sits down in slow motion, as if she’s worried that she may sway her in the wrong direction and change the course of their relationship. Evie feels unstable on her feet, rooted to the spot like she’s sinking in quicksand.

           “I don’t know if I can…”

Evie wishes she really was in quicksand, maybe then the ground would swallow her up. She nods slowly, putting on the polka face she’s so used to wearing around Rowan.

           “No, you’re right. It would only end in catastrophe, better to end it now.” She turns and strides out of the café, into the harsh light of day.

Rowan falls back against the table, clinging to the side as she watches the door swing shut. The bell rings in her ears. Tears spill down her cheeks. She pushes the girls off of her as they try to comfort her. She focuses on the steadiness of the table underneath her as the world swims out of view, blurred by her bitter tears.

Everyone loses friends. It’s just a part of life. Rowan tells herself. Maybe if I ran after her I’d catch up? No. I don’t need her.