Funny Drama

Trigger warning: sexual assault


Out of all my burglary experiences, I’ve encountered many obstacles. Strange and not. They’ve involved anywhere from angry dogs to occupants to Home-Alone-style traps. One time, I even ran across another burglar. Out of all the strange situations I’ve encountered, none of them ever involved a window. A goddamn window.

Yeah, I got my ass stuck in a window. 

Some master thief I am. 

I was just crawling into the window to get inside and start my raid, and I got stuck halfway through. So now, my butt’s hanging out two stories high while the rest of me is trying to squeeze my way inside. After all, I’d rather not have to explain to cops why the hell half of my body is inside someone else’s apartment while the better half is giving pedestrians down below the view of a lifetime. 

I was maybe stuck for a good five minutes when I heard the front door open. I cursed and desperately tried to push myself out before I got discovered. No such luck. Damn it. Jailtime was certain, and to add to all that, I was going to get hauled out in handcuffs after some lucky officer (trust me, he’s gonna be thinking that) shoves my ass out the window. 

Hmm…Maybe I could rely on my diplomacy skills. I thought back to an instance where I’d gotten into a “friendly” debate with someone, and I’d ended up in handcuffs while they ended up with a broken nose. Shit, I was screwed. 

I sighed, accepting defeat, and watched as the door to the room I’d been trying to enter opened. It was the whitest woman I’d ever seen - as in, her skin was pasty white like that of a vampire’s. Of course, the petite creature had black hair and lips painted black that accentuated her paleness even more. Her hair was as straight as I wasn’t, and it was long, too. Longer than my last relationship - well, I guess that’s not a good comparison, considering I haven’t been with someone longer than a week. Anyway, I can tell you one thing: she’s motherfreakin’ hot. I’d totally ask her out and maybe even try to get in bed with her if I wasn’t going to get hauled away by cops any second now. 

She looked up and blinked in surprise at the sight of me. Her phone was in her hand, and I expected her to dial 911 at any moment. But she didn’t. She just stood there, staring at me, and I stared right back. 

Finally, she asked, “So, do you do this often?” 

I burst into uncontrollable laughter. “Yeah, this is one of my favorite hobbies,” I replied in between giggles. 

“Do you need help?” 

“That would be appreciated, yes.” 

She took my arms and tugged on them with a shocking strength, and in maybe a second or two, I landed face first onto the carpet. Wow. I did not expect her to actually help. Holy shit. 

“Are you alright?” 

Considering you haven’t called the cops on me, I’d say hell freakin’ yeah.  “Yeah,” I said as I rose to my feet. 

I then grabbed my now aching buttocks and rubbed it. Damn, that hurt! I wouldn’t be able to sit for a week!

“Do I need to call a doctor or something?” 

I looked at her, wondering just what the hell was going on here. At this point, I didn’t care about going to jail or not. I just had to know what this crazy lady was thinking. “Uh, I’m sorry, but why the hell aren’t you calling the cops on me?” 

The lady only shrugged. “Well, you haven’t taken anything yet.”

“Dude, I’m still trespassing. You’re not one bit concerned about that?”

She rubbed the back of her neck. “Well, the thing is, I’ve always been...curious about criminal behavior. About the reasons behind a crime.” 

“In other words, you love watching Criminal Minds.” 

Her eyes lit up. “How’d you know?!” 

“Well...I kinda watch it too.” Yeah, a criminal watching Criminal Minds. What a riot. 

“Wow! Finally! Another fan! Who’s your favorite character?” 

“The one and only Penelope Garcia,” I replied with a small grin. 

She gasped with delight. “She’s mine too!” She then questioned, “What’s your favorite episode?”

“The couple where Penelope gets shot.”

“Me too! I especially liked the relationship between Morgan and her in them. Like, their relationship turns out to be way deeper. At one point, I actually shipped them.” 

“So did I! I thought they’d be great for each other!” 

“So what led you to crime, anyway?” 

Lady, it’s none of your goddamn business, I almost said, but something stopped me before the words could escape my mouth. Maybe it was the way she looked at me, like someone who actually wanted to know the story, who actually wanted to listen to it, to listen to the truth. I didn’t know if I liked that look, though I was kind of leaning toward yes. It was totally foreign to me. No one had ever been interested in hearing what I had to say. Only what he had to say. Not until now, anyway. 

So that’s why, instead of telling her to just go eff herself, I replied, “Well, I guess it starts with my family.” Specifically, him.

“Were you abused?” she asked in a quiet voice. The million dollar question. With a million dollar answer. 


“Hey, pretty little lady,” my older brother greeted as he wrapped his arms around me and squeezed me tight. 

I tried to ignore that he was hugging me a bit longer than I was comfortable with. After all, it was just my imagination, I was sure. This was my brother I was talking about, the guy who’d just come back from war and was now able to finally see his family again. He released me, and I noted with unease how his eyes traveled up and down my body. It was almost as if he was undressing me within his mind. I again told myself it must’ve been nothing. I was making something out of nothing. 

Later that night, I was undressing in my room, when my brother barged in. He didn’t seem embarrassed to have accidentally glimpsed me in my undergarments. He didn’t immediately shut the door and walk out, either, like a normal person would’ve. He just stood there, staring at me. A few moments passed of us just staring at each other, my eyes widened with humiliation at my exposed body and his with that same uncomfortable look I’d seen earlier. Then he finally walked out and closed the door, and I was left shaken by the whole ordeal while trying to come up with a logical explanation for it that didn’t incriminate my brother. 

I did not succeed.

There hadn’t been many more incidents after that. The ones that did happen were so few and far between that I’d started to think I’d imagined them all. At least, until the very last time. 

I turned my attention back to the woman. She had been silent for a good while after my confirmation. I didn’t know why. Finally, she opened her mouth and spoke. 

“I see,” she whispered. After all that silence, I was surprised she didn’t have more to say. Then the lady reached into her purse and took out a photograph. She showed it to me: a little boy five or six years old. “That’s my baby boy.” 

I was startled, mostly because the woman before me looked about my age, which was nineteen. Then the realization set in. “Holy shit.” She nodded grimly and sat down on the bed. A few minutes passed, before I asked, “So, how’d you know?”  

“You steal because someone stole something from you. And now, every time you rob a house, you subconsciously look for that very something he took from you. You’re hoping to fill that hole he created, but in the end, none of the stuff you take end up doing that, so you just keep going and going. That’s why you’ve become a thief, to try to steal back what that someone stole from you.” She then looked at me and smiled sheepishly. “Well, that’s the connections I made. I could’ve been wrong about the whole thing.”

“Well, you hit it right on the nail this time.” I then chuckled a bit. “That’s definitely not how I thought this day would go. I never thought I’d get my ass stuck in a window and that I’d end up in a counseling session with someone who’s actually willing to listen-”

“Nobody wanted to listen to you?” she asked, bewildered. 

I shook my head. “Nah. They thought I was lying. It was easier to believe that then to accept the truth.”

“So he got away scot-free?” I nodded. “Son of a bitch.” The woman then blinked, as if startled by her sudden use of that kind of language. “I can’t believe it,” she muttered. “Someone like that would never have gotten away with it here.” She then glanced at me and apologized. 

“So do you know who did it to you?” I asked, even though I knew that’d eventually lead me to talking about what had happened between me and my brother. 

“A man named Brian Diamond,” she replied. “He was about triple my age. With a wife and kids.”


She nodded solemnly. “I was just walking down the street. I was just going to the old dollar store. It was only a few minutes away from home.” She then sighed and focused her gaze on the floor. “There was a row of buildings between it and my house, and so you normally had to walk around all of them before you could get there. So I decided to take a shortcut. Through a dark alleyway.” She then laughed quietly to herself without an ounce of humor. “It was so stupid, too. You’d think I would’ve known better. I watched the movies, after all.” 

“You were what? Thirteen? Fourteen?” 

“Twelve,” she whispered. 

Damn. “Look, if you’re gonna blame someone, blame the bastard that freakin’ raped you.” 

“Even so, I can’t just pretend like I did nothing wrong. I exercised poor judgement. They even warn you about that, so I can’t use that as an excuse, either.” 

“Okay, yeah, what you did was stupid. But guys like Brian are the reason why you make those judgements in the first place. They’re the reason we gotta learn the rules and know the world ain’t as pretty as you’d like it to be. It’s because of them we got them rules of judgement to worry about.” 

“Ah, well. It’s pointless to think about it now. No matter how much I wish it, I can’t change the past.” 

“Well, you’ve got a son, don’t you?” 

“Yes. What about him?” 

“Well, you can’t change the past, but I’m pretty sure you’re able to change the future,” I hinted, hoping she’d get the point. Her slight smile told me she did. And then after the passing of a couple of minutes, she asked the two-million-dollar question. “So, who did it to you?” she asked in a gentle voice, as if the mere question would be enough to shatter me. And I supposed she was right in a way. 

“Hey, pretty lady, come get some supper!” I heard my brother yell from downstairs. 

By now, I’d grown uncomfortable whenever I was in his presence, especially when we were home alone. Like tonight. However, he never actually did anything, so I supposed my fears were unfounded. That was why I forced myself to descend the stairs and head into the kitchen. 

Without warning, I felt him grab me from behind. I screamed out of surprise, but he didn’t let go. Normal people would’ve let go. He dragged me out of the kitchen and into our parents’ bedroom. He finally released me, and I stayed as far away as possible from him. 

“What the hell are you doing?!” I demanded, knowing this could not possibly be my imagination. Something was definitely freakin’ wrong here. 

I froze as he started unbuckling his belt. Then my mind leapt into action, and I shot past him. Right as I slammed the door open, I felt him grab my arm and jerk me back inside. “What are you doing?!” I screamed as he shoved me toward the bed. I fell onto it, and before I could get up, he pinned me there. I kicked and thrashed, yelling the whole time and crying too. 

“Pretty lady, you know you want this,” he kept whispering calmly into my ear. “You know you do.” 


That part was hazy with some bits and pieces completely gone. I didn’t need to remember it clearly though to know what’d happened. What he’d done. What my brother, my dear older brother who’d just come back as a war hero, had done. 

I didn’t realize I’d started crying until the woman grabbed my hand and squeezed it tight. “I know,” she whispered. “I know.” 

“My brother. It was my brother.” I sniffed and wiped away my tears with my other hand, ready to move on. “I never got your name,” I said.

“It’s Abigail. And I’m so sorry…” 

“Nora. It’s Nora.” I then grinned slightly. “Nora, the master thief who got her ass stuck in a window.” 

And who just made a friend within minutes. A friend who actually bothered to listen to the truth.


August 29, 2020 03:58

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