Leaving without Loving by: Rachel:)

When Mom died, I made a goal, and that was to leave this world without ever loving anyone. To achieve that, I promised to trust no one and never let people in.

Mom was the only person I ever trusted. I loved her with every fibre in my being, and I cared about her so deeply because she was my best friend and my only friend for the longest time. I wasn't always a loner, but you know how kids are. No one wants to hang out with the kid whose dad killed himself after everyone found out he abused his wife and son. So, yeah, I had no friends from age 5 - 12, and even if someone wanted to be my friend, their bozo parents wouldn't let them. It doesn't matter much to me anymore anyway, but I made my first friend in grade seven. She was the only person who talked to me the entire grade seven-year. I don't know if it was because she was new and still didn't know I was the kid with the dead dad. However, if she knew she didn't seem to care because she treated me normally as if I was just any other kid. Her name was Isabelle, but she asked me to call her Izzy and she called me Jay instead of Jason. We were Izzy and Jay for a good three years. Then she left, and the year after mom left me too. So, I had no one. In those three years, I fell in love with Izzy. We wrote to each other about our days until my mom died. The day my mom died, I cut Izzy out of my life because I didn’t want to feel a strong love for anyone again. She still wrote to me though, but I stopped answering. 

When I moved from Vancouver to my grandparents' small town Whistler, which was a couple of hours away. It was dreadful at first, but then I realized my grandparents were trying so hard to make me feel at home. I put on a smile for them even though I was breaking on the inside. There were days I couldn't even look in the mirror, since I looked so much like my father. Sometimes I was even mistaken for him with our dark hair and piercing blue eyes. We looked almost identical. The older I got, the more I looked like him, and I hated it. I hated it because it's because of him, my life's in shambles. I lost the one person I ever loved because of him, and it’s because of him I don’t even want to live anymore. I silently cried myself to sleep most nights because that's what heartbreak does to you, breaks you from the inside. Then you can no longer keep the hurt in and causes you to break down from the outside too. Though I'm hurting every day, I let no one see it. Even if I did, what would they do? All they do is say to you everything is going to be okay, but they don't know that. No one does.

The next day I start my morning with a nice black coffee after another sleepless night. "Good morning Jason, are you excited to have a fresh start at your new school?"

"Yeah, I guess a fresh start would be nice," I replied.

"Are you ready? Junior year is when you have to make important decisions. Are you sure you're for that kind of stress, dear?"

"Grams, I know you're worried about me, but I promise I'm okay," I lied.

"Okay honey, remember this is a fresh start you can be anyone you want."

"I know," but what if I've already accepted who I am now? I thought. 

I kissed grams goodbye and grandpa drove to school since my car was at the garage. Grandpa just like grams was an optimist. They could see the good in everything and everyone. Even though they gave birth to a monster. Both of them were the kindest people. They were the last people I had in my life and I couldn't lose them. So, I did my best not to push them away like I did everyone. 

"I'm just getting the car warmed up, kid," grandpa said.`

"Okay, gramps." Once the car warmed up, we got going.

"So, are you excited for a fresh start?"

"Yeah, I guess."

"Are you ready to meet the new ladies?" He said suggestively, nudging me.

I gave a small chuckled then replied, "Nah gramps, I'm just going to be focusing on school. Don't have time for dating." I probably couldn't take the feeling of being attached to someone and sharing a bond with them. Yeah, it's pretty weak of me, but that what death does makes you weak.

"Well, kid, you never know, maybe you might just meet the one. You know I met your grandma in high school. She was a gem, a fox-"

"That's enough of that gramps, but I can't sit through this story again," I said as I observed the scene before us. The sun had already raised, and the town was getting up, however, it was still quiet. Few clouds in the sky and a chilly breeze filled the September air.

He started again and said, "all I'm saying kid is even if you aren't looking if you find a girl who's true to herself, kind to others, and has a big heart. That’s a gem, and you better not let her get away. That's your gem." While gramps spoke I didn't listen because I would not be looking for a gem. The one gem I had was my mom, and she's gone now. So, I just continued to follow my goal, and that was to leave this world loving no one, trusting no one, and letting no one in. 

As we approached, the Whistler Village High School gramps wished me luck. I was struggling to find the office, so I asked this girl for directions. 

“Excuse me, I’m so sorry but do you happen to know where the office is?” I asked. When she turned around I was overtaken by her beauty. She looked beautiful there was no other way to put it. Yes, I wasn’t trying to fall in love but what’s the harm in looking.

 “Oh yeah it’s down the hall, keep walking till you see a big bench. If you want I could lead you there?” 

“If that wouldn’t be a bother, sure. I’m Daniel” 

“I’m Isabelle,” she replied with a smile. 

There was something so familiar about her, but I shrugged it off once we got to the office. From the office, I got directions to my class. I had chemistry first. Isabelle was also in the same class, so we headed to the science lab. By the time we got there, everyone had already chosen their seats and were talking with each other. Isabelle went in to talk to some friends as I quietly made my way to the only other empty seat left in the back, but the teacher stopped me.

"Are you our new student? Jason?" Asked the teacher.

"Yes, Ma'am," I replied.

"You can call me Mrs. Max, nice to meet you, Jason. Do you mind coming to the front to introduce yourself?" She said it as if I had an option, but I knew I didn't. So, I made my way to the front of the class, getting stares from the entire class.

I cleared my throat then started, "Um, I'm Jason Mitchell, 17, and yeah that's it."

"Anything else you want to share with the class, Jason?"

"Um, there's not much to know," I replied. When she nodded to give me the okay, I made my way back to my seat. As I walked, I got lots of smiles from girls and icy stares from the guys. 

Overall the first day and the next couple were ass: I became the target of lots of girls. I said I didn't have time for that stuff, but that didn’t stop them. Even though I didn’t give them the time of day, they still came up to me. That'd put me in an awful place with their boyfriends. That’s when I got into a couple of fights and got a couple suspensions. Grams and gramps were mad at me, but I think they thought I was living again. Little did they know I was doing what I was doing to numb the pain.

Then one day in chem class when I had just come back from a suspension. My third suspension for the year and we were only 4 weeks in. The whole class was surrounded by Meg's desk. She had her phone pulled up to a news article and that when I heard one jock in my class say, "I knew he was a freak."

Then Meg's friend Lexi said, "maybe his killer father made him such a douchebag."

While Jacob another jock said, "Wait till all these girls find out the guy they were drooling over has abuser genes." I froze and my eyes widened. How did she find this out? That's when it hit me. I told them both my last and first name on my first day. Then they all turned to look at me. Suddenly Isabelle from the first day took Meg’s phone and smashed it on the ground. I wanted to say something, but nothing could come out. I just punched the wall and walked out.

It didn't go to school for 3 weeks following the incident. They suspended me for one week for the wall, and the other two I just couldn't go back. Now that everyone knew I couldn't hide, I had to face reality. I'd stay in my room most days to avoid grams and gramps questions, but then they came to me. 

"Jason I'm coming in you can't lock everyone out for your life," said gramps.

"Whatever," I mumbled.

"Why are you doing this, kid? Why are you ruining your life, by getting into fights and getting suspended? Please, just tell us what's going on," he asked desperately.

"Nothing," I said bluntly.

"If it was nothing you would've been back at school. If it was nothing, your grandma and I wouldn't constantly be getting calls from the school about you fighting. So just tell me what's going on," he begged.

"You know what's going on, I can't do it anymore! I can't keep pretending to be okay! I haven't been okay in so long I'm forgetting what it's like to be okay! I constantly think about the day I came home and saw mom bleeding from her wrists in the bathtub. Calling out to her to wake up and her not freaking waking up! I think about how my dad would beat mom and she'd come back to me with a fake smile plastered on her face so I wouldn't worry. How the one woman I ever loved and trusted just left me and didn't even say goodbye! It hurts so bad, my heart is constantly breaking and you know what I can't do anything about!" By the time I finished, I was breathing heavily and there was a tear rolling down my face, I could barely breathe or stand. I fell into gramps and let my tears flow. I let all the heartache, the pain, and the tears out. I hugged him as if, if I let go it'd be the end of everything, and he hugged me just as tight. 

All he could say was, "I got you," with a tear rolling down his cheek. 

After long moments of silence, that's when I heard a light knock at the door. I looked up from gramps’ shoulder and saw Isabelle. There was always something so familiar about her kind chestnut brown eyes, full lips, and kinky hair, and a dark complexion.

"Um, I'm sorry for not knocking, I didn't think you were here Mrs. Mitchell let me in. I'm just dropping by to drop off your work. I'm Isabelle." That's when it hit me. This was the same girl who smashed Meg's phone, Isabelle was the same girl who befriended me in grade seven when no I had no one. It was Izzy.

I picked myself up from the ground and straightened myself out, then replied to her, "you didn't have to go through the trouble of coming over, but I appreciate it."

"Oh, it's nothing, I live a block away from you," she answered. Wait, how did she know where I lived.

 "If you're wondering how I found out where you lived, I've seen you out with Mr. Mitchelle and he’s a family friend." The whole time gramps knew Izzy?

"That makes sense. Anyway, thank you so much," I said as I led her to the door.

As she was about to head out she turned and said, "Jason you could've told me," then walked away leaving me standing at the door.

The next two weeks were probably the best weeks I've had since mom died. After taking to gramps and grams about everything, they became my support group. Telling them was like a weight lifted off my shoulders. Yes, I didn't take away the hurt, but I feel less like crap and now I have genuine smiles around them. I also searched Izzy up to see if I still had her contact. I did thankfully, and I tried to stop being a wuss after three days and I messaged her. We talked about random things, her life, and a bunch of stupid stuff. I avoided myself as much as I could. She was still the same kind-hearted girl I knew. She also told me she got suspended for 2 days for smashing Meg's phone on the floor, which was pretty cool of her to do that for me. We talked almost every day and hung out most days after she'd come back from school. That's when I realized with every day I regained the feelings I had for Izzy. I never thought I'd end up falling for someone in two weeks. However, there was something about Izzy that pulled me in. Maybe it was the fact that she was true to herself and didn't let others walk over her and didn't change for others. She was always kind to others and has had a big heart since the day I met her. She was the gem gramps talked about. I couldn't lose her again. So, I had to tell her why I left and I had stopped answering.

Ringggggg

"Hello?" She answered.

"Um, Izzy, can you meet me at the neighbourhood park in 5 minutes?" I asked.

"Um sure by-" I hung up before she finished and got ready. 

This needed to be perfect. I needed her to forgive me. I changed out of my sweats to some black jeans and a white tee. Got the rose I had gotten her and raced to the park. When I got there, she was already waiting. I hid the rose I had gotten and asked her to sit on the bench then started, "Izzy when I first met you my dad had hung himself and the public knew he had beat my mom and me. Even though you probably know, you didn't care. You befriended me and, for two more years after that, we were like glue. You were the only friend I had ever had in those three years and the only one I needed. You made me feel wanted, included, and loved, which I hadn't felt from someone other than my mom and grandparents for a long time. You were the star that came to light up my life. But then you left. When you left it hurt, but I knew I couldn't do anything to stop it. My only friend had left me and a year later my mom had left me too. It was the day my mom died I had made my goal to leave this world loving no one, and it was that same day I stopped messaging you." I looked down at her and she was looking at me so intensely. Then I continued, "I never meant to leave like that, but losing my mom who was my home, safety, and my best friend broke me in ways I couldn't describe. She had killed herself, after telling me she'd never leave me. I didn't want to hurt you, so I left. I was in so much pain just the thought of loving someone again hurt me that's why I pushed you away. But now I realize that was the dumbest thing, and I'm so sorry for the hurt I put you through. In those three years, I fell in love with you and that scared me because I never thought I could love someone so deeply. Now, after the little time we spent together, all those feelings are rushing back, and this time I'm ready to come to terms with them. Since now I realize you weren't just my best friend, but you were my gem, the rarest one I could find too."

I said the last line as I stared into her eyes and that's when she said it, "I forgive you." My heart flooded with relief and as I turned to hand her the yellow rose she said words I never expected to hear from anyone but family. "I never stopped loving, Jay," and just like that I no longer weighed that goal on my shoulders. I started looking into the eyes of the girl who taught me how to love again. My gem.