Butterscotch

Nova can hear her mother in the hallway. She can hear her comforting her Grandmother saying “We can do this.”

She stares at the black dress and shoes laid out on her bed. She hates the idea of wearing those shoes. They cut the back of her ankles and pinch her toes. If she was being honest, she hated everything about today. Nova knows that today is her Aunt Amelia's funeral. Even though she knows it's today, she can't feel it. Or she wont let herself feel it. The words her mother said are playing on repeat in her head.

“Nova, sweetie. We need to talk… about Aunt Amy.”

“Oh! Is she on her way? She promised she would pick me up today.”

“Honey.”

Nova remembers hearing her mother's voice crack. She finally noticed her mother's face. Her nose and cheeks were an angry shade of red. Her eyes, bloodshot.

“Mom? What happened?”

“She’s gone, Nova. She… died.” She gasped. Her chest tightened and took all the air in her lungs. Along with all the strength in her legs. She cried all through the night, with her mother, collapsed on the floor.

Nova starts at the knock at her door. Her mother's voice echoes through the door “Nova, sweetie. Are you ready yet? I don't want to be late.” Numbly, she starts to slip into her funeral outfit. Looking to her mirror on the dresser, she begins to fiddle with her hair. She decides to put her hair in a ponytail, it's the only thing she can manage with her dark thick curls. As soon as she pulls her curls through the hairband, she notices a golden orb of candy. The sight of it makes her slightly woozy and lightheaded. She picks it up, carefully opening one side of the wrapper. Slightly bending her head, she can smell the sweet buttery aroma of the butterscotch candy. She smiles at the memory of her mom teasing her. “Are you sure, you're my daughter? You're more like your Aunt, than me.” Butterscotch was her Aunt's favorite candy too. Everyone, including her mother, thought butterscotch was disgusting. Not Aunt Amy though. Every time Nova would go over to her house, Amy would give her a handful of butterscotch to hide in her pocket. She closed the wrapper & stuffed the candy in her pocket. She takes a quick glance at her reflection, sucks in a quick breath of air, and turns toward the door.

The service was a blur. A mixture of crying and scriptures. Nova dimly remembers someone asking her if she wanted to ‘see her one last time’. She wanted to. She thought she could. However, when the time came for her pew to stand, she was frozen. The guilt that was sitting in her stomach suddenly weighed her down to her seat and it grew heavier by the second. Eventually, someone told her it was okay to stay. Nova let out a breath she didn't know she was holding.

“She should go.”

Nova's heart was pounding in her ears. She felt someone staring at her.

“It's her fault.”

She didn't need to look to see who it was. Jason, Aunt Amelia's son. Jason was slightly older than Nova. She kept her head down. Afraid to see Jason's face. She knew his face would show nothing but disgust for her. She felt it too after all.

Next thing, Nova knew the service had ended and everyone was standing to walk to the burial grounds. Her legs still felt heavy. It took all her focus just to put one foot out in front of the other. As she crossed the front doors of the church, she could see her Aunt's casket. She wanted to go home. Or anywhere else but here. When they entered the field, Nova's mother took her arm into hers. Leading her to the casket. She could hear the priest tell everyone to place a handful of dirt in Amelia's grave. Nova's grandmother was first, then her mother, then her. She looked down into the grave and couldn't help but let out a whimper. She tried to smooth her face, stop the tears. She didn't deserve to grieve. But as she walked away, the feeling of guilt intensified, along with the thought “I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.”

Everyone decided to meet at Nova's grandmother's house, to hold a bonfire for Aunt Amelia. Although Nova did not want to go, she was grateful it wasn't being held at Amelia's house. That would be too much. It would ruin her fragile control she had on her emotions. Nova found a seat in the back of the backyard. Just far enough so that she wasn't completely baked by the fire. There were hushed conversations all throughout the backyard. She couldn't help but think they were all talking about her. Whispering about what she'd done. While lost in her thoughts, Jason had approached her.

“Nova.”

The fury in his voice scared her. She was afraid about what he would say. She knew that it would all be true. She also knew that whatever he'd say, would absolutely destroy her.

“I'm sorry Nova.”

She looked up at him. Shocked.

“What?”

Her voice cracked, from not having been used all day.

“It's not your fault that Mom died.”

With tears she sobbed. “Yes, it was. She was coming to get me. If I hadn't bugged Aunt Amy to pick me up… Maybe… maybe that guy wouldn't have hit her. She'd be here. With you. With us. She'd be alive.” Nova tried to stifle her sobs. It was no use. They bursted out of her, like a dam breaking open.She could feel arms wrap around her.

“No, Nov, no. I mean, yeah maybe. But how could you know that she would get hurt or that, that guy would drive drunk? You couldn't have.”

“But you said-”

“I know, I know.” Jason sighed.

“I think I wanted to blame you because I was jealous.”

“Why?”

“Cause, I thought she loved you more than me… You two were always together. She always talked about you. It pissed me off. I was her son. Why couldn't she love me the same way as you? Talk about me. Hang out with me. I know sometimes I was a jerk. But… I was her son. She should have loved me the most.”

After a long silence, Nova wrapped her arms around Jason and whispered.

“She did love you the most. Everytime we hung out she always talked about you. About what you did. The jokes you made. If anything, she hung out with me cause she missed you. She said that you were growing up or something. So she did not blame you for not wanting to hang out with her.”

Another silence fell upon them.

“You know why she was coming to pick me up?”

Jason shook his head.

“I got into a fight at school. Vanessa started to talk crap about my dad leaving. I snapped. I couldn't stand it anymore. Then when mom picked me up, we started fighting. I told her it was her fault my dad left. Then I called your mom cause I felt so bad for hurting my mom. If I hadn't got into a fight with my mom or even called yours. Not of this would be happening. Everything would be… okay.”

Jason placed his head on top of Nova's head.

“I think my mom would want us to try to be there for each other.”

She sniffed. “She would.”

“Nov, I'm not gonna blame you for mom dying. It's been a rough year for you. I remember how bad it felt when my dad left. I know mom just wanted to help you and your mom. So, no more blaming yourself. I'm gonna be here for you.”

Jason removed his arm, rummaged through his hoodie pocket. Jason pulled out a handful of butterscotch candies. He extended his candy filled hand to Nova.

“Okay?”

She took the candies gingerly.

“Okay.”

They squeezed each other one last time. Before they let go though Nova cried into Jason's shoulder letting Jason's words and her favorite candy soothe her soul for the night.