Submitted to: Contest #23

A storm and a fear

Written in response to: "Write a short story that takes place in a winter cabin."

General

Buffets of wind pummeled against the wooden paneling of the aged and timeworn timber cabin. Nothing could be observed through the whirlwind of snow rapidly rushing to and fro in the silky blackness of the dead of night. The torrent of the blizzard engulfed the diminutive structure, drumming against it with a violence unto its own.

Inside the cabin and distant from howling gale that raged on, in the intersection between floor and ceiling sat a woman. She was situated upon a stout stool hollowed out from a tree stump, long intricate grains and patterns covered the innermost part of the stool like an elongated serpent coiling in and out, that no individual could replicate except mother earth herself.

Long dark onyx hair obscured the woman's features from view, but her hands that were clasped into fists in her lap were tinted orange from the red incandescent fire, in the small iron topped stove to her left. The flames flared in momentary rushes, blue light dancing on the points of the conflagration of red and orange fire. The blaze not only illuminated the dark haired woman but also the neighboring objects in the area, casting a bloody light on everything it touched.

In the far left hand corner rested a bed, a bulky woolen blanket rested over the flimsy mattress underneath, lint balls pinpointed the pliable grey textile in seemingly purposeful and complex patterns, alternating one way then the other. Beside the bed was a small cot, white blanket swathed the small objects whole. Only just visible through the folds of blanket was the small soft face of an infant, long dark eyelashes fluttered against its pink rosy cheeks and its fuzzy dark hair draped over one eye as it cooed in sleep.

A small circular table with two twin wooden chairs opposite one another, sat in the other corner, a brass pitcher and two glossy red mugs half depleted of their contents were displayed upon the knotted and well-worn tables surface. A faint but noticeable smell of chocolate still lingered in the air around the table and the drinks had unmistakably been sitting there awhile due to the lack of steam and heat rising from the dark brown liquid. Bordering the table was a kitchen sink and a cupboard, which through a crack one could see plates and cups stacked precisely on top of one another.   

A momentary swell in the thunderous howling made the woman flinch, her long silky hair parted from her face as she glanced up to were the gale had struck. The woman's features were exceedingly elegant, yet a strain played upon her face, making her delicate skin wrinkle in long worry lines that bespoke great apprehension of some matter or affair. The woman averted her face and twisted back around to peer once more at the flickering hypnotizing flames dancing in the oven. 

She remained that way for some time with the wind drumming outside, beating a monotonous pattern repeatedly and seemingly endlessly, the fire crackling in the hearth and the wood inside popping as gas once preserved exploded and released into the atmosphere. The woman exhaled, and in that one simple action conveyed a sense of deep weariness, then she stood erect, and pressed her small hands into her back, stretching long and hard.

Crossing over the room and approaching an assemblage of large and cumbersome items beneath a black tarpaulin the woman reached under and hauled out several large and evidently heavy logs. With some difficulty she hoisted the wood over to the fire and with a heave released them upon the burning inferno, sparks shot out in all conceivable directions, glowing crimson hot they steamed and sizzled when they came into contact with any inanimate objects. A glowing hot spark also fell onto the woman's hand and she exclaimed at the momentary flare of pain it induced. Gritting her teeth she rushed over to the kitchen sink and turned the tap on letting the cool liquid cascade over her thin and delicate fingers. 

A long cry pierced the air as the swathed infant in its crib startled awake from the loud noises the woman had made while supplying the fire with material fuel. Loud hiccups shook the baby’s frame as it continued to fret. The woman ran over to the infant and gathered it up in her arms while gently swaying, rocking the infant back and forth. The woman with the utmost affection and conveying a deep sense of love smoothed the babies dark shock of hair away from its face. After some time the babe’s fussing grew ever quieter then stopped all together creating a tranquil quiet that encompassed the mother and child in its embrace.

All of a sudden a bang echoed through the small cabin as the sturdy, solid oak door to the room, was launched open with forceful momentum. The woman, startled and clutched her child to her bosom as a large personage entered the house. The opening of the door let some of the gale invade the house and shower over the hard wooden floor, tiny white snowflakes cascading in a line from the door to the opposite wall of small cramped winter cabin.     

The man was covered head to toe is luminescent, glistening snow, the firelight casting an odd distorted look to the newly fallen substance on his patched and stitched leather clothes. An abrupt exclamation ripped out of the woman grasping the babe as she recognized who is was, as quickly as humanly possible she set the infant down upon the bed and rushed towards the figure. They met half way and the woman flung her slender white arms around his thick snow covered neck and hugged him fiercely as the door behind him swung shut propelled by the force of the wind outside the cabin. 

Trembling the woman lifted her glossy black haired head to face the mans, tears streamed down her face but the long jagged worry lines that had permeated her features were gone and instead a sense a deep and profound joy extended from her beautiful face radiating outwards. The man's chiseled face showed an equal amount of love and happiness and they cradled each other in their arms. 

After some time they parted but only just enough for them to speak,

“I thought you were never getting back, I thought the storm had…”

The woman choked off, not able to complete her sentence and instead buried her face once more in the man's chest. The man in response stroked her hair lovingly and murmured,

“A storm could not keep me apart from you, nothing could, not this nor any gale no matter how ferociously it blows.”

He tilted her head up to gaze into his deep dark blue eyes,

“You hear me?”

The woman nodded and produced a faint smile at his words. Then they stayed together in another embrace murmuring softly to one another for some while and only parting when the infant upon the bed started to cry, worming its feet and hands so that the bundle of blankets it was swathed in wriggled and squirmed, like many different worms. The woman moved away from her husband and gathered the child into her arms and sitting upon the small bed rocked the babe as she had done before only moments ago. Her husband sat beside her and brushed the black hair from the baby's eyes then kissing it tenderly upon its forehead. 

Once the child slept the woman tucked it back into its tiny crib and then joined her husband upon the bed,

“Come now, lets sleep. I am tired and weary and so are you, let us rest our eyes and be engulfed in blessed sleep.” 

With that statement the man and the woman laid upon the bed, the hinges creaking and groaning but neither of them paying any mind as they slipped into a deep and peaceful slumber, knowing in there hearts that they were together and that was all that mattered.


Posted Jan 08, 2020
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3 likes 3 comments

Zahli Gilbert
16:33 Jan 20, 2020

Amira i love you. you are good at storys keep up the good work!

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Courtney Myers
00:22 Jan 17, 2020

Hi, there! My name's Courtney, and you were in my critique circle, so let's get started!

- I like the feeling of frigid and impenetrable darkness you have in your first paragraph; these bits of word-choice set a dark tone really well within this piece. However, I's switch the second sentence with the third sentence as to placement; the third sentence seems to relate much more closely with the first and seems kind of broken off from the focus of the cabin in its current place within the paragraph.

- "...in the intersection between floor and ceiling sat a woman.": I'd write this as, "...a woman sat within the intersection between floor and ceiling"; it flows a lot better as the dependent clause part of this half of the sentence is at the end and needs no punctuation to properly separate it from "sat a woman/a woman sat".

- "...long intricate grains and patterns covered...": "Covered" should be "covering"; otherwise, the tense is improper in relation to the rest of the sentence. However, I love the detail you put into the stool, which makes it stand out in my mind.

- "...coiling in and out, that no...": You don't need a comma here, and I believe "mother earth" should be capitalized since it's a proper title.

- "...fire, in the small iron topped stove to her left.": The comma here is also unnecessary, and "iron topped" should be "iron-topped" since ti's two interrelated words within one term.

- I'm loving how you describe the fire here; the word-choice (like "incandescent", "flared in momntary rushes", and "blue light dancing on thee points of conflagration") are very vivid and relate well to fire overall.

- "...casting a bloody light...": Again, I'm enjoying just how well you set this dark and suspenseful tone you have going on, especially when you cast vivid and visceral images like "bloody light".

- "In the far left...": This sentence is a run-on with improper tense the way it's written now. I'd add a "with" before "a bulky", change "rested" to "resting", add an "and before "lint balls", change "pinpointed" to "pinpointing", and just get rid of "alternating one way then the other" since it's purely extra information.

- "...white blanket swathed the small objects whole.": I think you meant something like "and a white blanket swathed the small object within"; otherwise, this part of the sentence doesn't flow well or make much sense.

- When I get to the part about the drinks (and onward), and while I love how well you describe things, all of this meandering description is starting to get boring. There's just so much of it for so little payoff within a digestible time-frame, and I'm wondering if there isn't a better and more subtle way for you to weave these details into your story while keeping momentum and getting on to the main plot.

- "...a black tarpaulin the woman reached...": There needs to be a comma between "tarpaulin" and "the", since everything after where the comma needs to be can stand on its own.

- "With some difficulty she...": There needs to be a comma before "she".

- "...inferno, sparks shot...": "Shot" should be "shooting" for proper tense.

- "...and she exclaimed at the momentary flare of pain it induced.": I'd use a stronger word than "exclaimed" here, maybe something like "yelped", "screamed", or "squealed", and I'd also get rid of "it induced", since it's not necessary and kind of robs the description of pain of its emotional impact.

- "Gritting her teeth she...": There should be a comma before "she".

- "...the woman had made...": I'd cut out this and everything after it; otherwise, your sentence runs-on and does more telling than showing, which breaks the flow of your narrative.

- Again, at this point, I'm really wondering what the main plot is to this story. You've done a lot of "telling" description by now and showed us some action, but your story really seems to be going nowhere fast, like it keeps taking unnecessary detours when it should've moved much farther along through the narrative.

- Also (and with all dues respect) since I'm getting kind of worn out highlighting all the instances you begin with the dependent part of a clause before proceeding into its independent part without separating the two with a comma, I'd definitely practice on refining your writing techniques on this point as well. If a section of words cannot stand as its own sentence while being at the beginning of a sentence, it really needs to have that comma between it and the part of the clause that can stand on its own.

- "...to the room, was launched...": This comma shouldn't be here; it just makes an awkward and grammatically incorrect break in your sentence.

- "The woman, startled and clutched...": Get rid of this comma for the reason above.

- "...as a large personage...": I'd really just say "person" here; "personage" is normally used for either the air a person gives off or to denote their physical body in reference to something happening to it, like being hit.

- "...is luminescent...": I think you mean "in" rather than "is" here.

- "...casting an odd distorted look...": I'd either change "odd" to "oddly" or put a comma in after "odd"; otherwise, the adjective reads rather awkwardly.

- "...who is was...": I think you mean "it" rather than "is" here.

- "who i[t] was, as quick as...": There needs to be an "and" after the comma, or the second part of this sentence is a fragment.

- "...his thick snow covered neck...": There should be a hyphen between "snow" and "covered" as they're two words within the same term.

- "...behind him swung shut propelled...": There needs to be a comma after "shut".

- "Trembling the woman lifted her glossy black haired head to face the mans..." This should be written, "Trembling, the woman lifted her glossy, black-haired head to face the man's..."

- With all the respect in the world again, you should really also practice having proper and complimentary tenses between multiple verbs in the same sentence. This part "...the man['s], tears streamed down her face" should have "streamed" as "streaming", since it's separated from "the woman lifted". Also, this sentence is a run-on; you should really have the part that begins with "instead" as its own clause to balance out the paragraph's flow.

- "The man's chiseled face showed an equal amount of love and happiness and they cradled each other in their arms.": There should really be a comma after "happiness" since you have two independent clauses within this sentence.

- "After some time they parted but only just enough for them to speak,": This should be written "After some time, they parted, but only just enough for one another to speak," or else you have a sentence fragment with a very awkward flow to it. The same goes for every sentence you end with a comma.

- While every line of dialogue from one individual to the next gets its own new line, you need (except in certain circumstances) to include descriptions like, "The man in response stroked her hair lovingly and murmured," with the piece of dialogue it belongs to. Otherwise, the talking bits sound really stilted, not flowing well at all.

- "A storm could not keep me apart from you...": Aw! I love this bit; it's so sweet and touching, and I can tell these two love each other very much. Good job with that!

- "Then they stayed together in another embrace murmuring softly to one another for some while and only parting when the infant upon the bed started to cry, worming its feet and hands so that the bundle of blankets it was swathed in wriggled and squirmed, like many different worms. The woman moved away from her husband and gathered the child into her arms and sitting upon the small bed rocked the babe as she had done before only moments ago. Her husband sat beside her and brushed the black hair from the baby's eyes then kissing it tenderly upon its forehead.": This entire part needs to be re-written to something like, "Then, they stayed together in another embrace, murmuring softly to one another for some while and only parting when the infant started to cry, worming its feet and hands so that the bundle of blankets wriggled and squirmed. The woman moved away from her husband and gathered the child into her arms before rocking the babe as she had done only moments ago. Her husband then sat beside her, brushed the black hair from the baby's eyes, and then kissed it tenderly upon its forehead."

- "Come now, lets sleep...": There needs to be an apostrophe in "let's" since it indicates a possessive quality.

- You're ending is so sweet, and I think I see what you intended to do with all of that description at the beginning; it just didn't quite give off that effect.

Overall, this wasn't a bad effort, and I can definitely see you have some skill with your writing. Good job, and have a blessed evening!

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Amira Gilbert
15:34 Jan 17, 2020

Thank you so much for your critique, it was very much appreciated. I will be sure to keep them in mind when I next write.

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