Of Supernovas and Dwarf Stars

Joel Christopher Price was eighteen years old when his world came crashing down like a ton of bricks atop his head.

The day started out predictably enough. Joel got up and had three spoonfuls of Coco Pops. He showered for exactly five minutes, brushed his hair, got dressed into light blue jeans and a plain white t-shirt, and headed to college. Throughout this seemingly ordinary day, a question weighed on his mind, heavy as dumbbells; what was the doctor going to say?

As usual, when college was finally through, Joel walked with Dustin Hicks back to his house, and, as usual, they said a polite "hello" to Joel’s mum, and headed upstairs. Behind the closed doors of Joel’s bedroom, Dustin handed Joel a small bracelet. It wasn’t anything fancy, just blue beads on black string, but, as it shone delicately in the light, Joel thought it was beautiful, like the galaxies he dreamed of at night.

“Thanks” He smiled. “But, uh, you know my dad will kill me if he finds out I got a bracelet from another guy” Joel gulped as he tied the string around his wrist.

“Tell him that girl” Dustin looked thoughtfully for a moment. “Stacey” A look of realization crossed his face. “Tell him she got it for you, she’s always had a thing for you anyway” Dustin smiled.

Joel chuckled and nodded, before kissing Dustin’s slightly bristly cheek.

“I’ll see you later, okay?” Dustin pecked Joel’s lips with his before bounding out of the room.

Joel sat, twiddling the bracelet, on the edge of his bed, considering the possibility of a real relationship with his 'best friend'.

If you were to look around the light blue painted room, filled with wooden shelves which held various books, and if you were to look at the occasional science poster of an equation or rocket, you wouldn’t be surprised to learn that Joel wanted to be an astrophysicist. Although, you may be somewhat surprised to learn that he also wanted to be an actor. This was mostly for the chance at being someone else, though.

He had been trying to think of many different things on that drizzly Friday afternoon. Dustin had helped quite significantly. Now that he was gone, though, and Joel found himself alone, trying to think about anything but the inevitable doctor’s call, the young man resorted to recalling as many details of the life stages of stars as he could.

Supernovas were his favorite. So explosive. So undeniably spectacular and destructive at the same time. Sometimes that’s what Joel wished he could be like, instead of a timid little red dwarf.

Buzz. Buzz. The phone made Joel jump, and he immediately grabbed it with shaking hands.

“Hello” He tentatively answered the call.

“Hello Mr. Price” A deep male voice spoke. “I have some bad news, I’m afraid” The doctor’s tone was one of regret and sadness.

It was obvious what he was about to say. It was what Joel had suspected. What he had feared. At that moment, though, knowing what he was about to be told, and that he should be terrified, Joel didn’t feel much of anything. Numbness filled him.

“You have a brain tumor” The doctor informed.

After that the world became somewhat fuzzy. The doctor’s voice was nothing but a muffled echo. It was as though Joel’s entire existence had just been flooded with water, and he was just waiting to drown.

His mind turned to his parents. True, he was never overly close with his father, never being a typical football-loving 'lad', or really into anything that his father enjoyed, but he knew his dad loved him. His mother was overprotective, sure, but he always knew just how much she loved him. They knew their son was having some tests, that he'd been getting terrible migraines, but nothing more. He couldn't bring himself to tell them the rest.

He sat in silence on the edge of his bed for some time, until the glittering yellow sun faded to darkness. Joel’s mind drifted from thoughts of his upcoming philosophy exam to those of inky black death. He had spent his entire life being so careful, worrying about the slightest illness, never failing to disinfect his hands at every opportunity. He always ate his five a day, and he never forgot his daily exercise. He never smoked. Never drank. How could this be happening to him? It wasn’t fair. That was all he could think. It wasn’t fair. Numbness turned to fear and rage.

The abrasive ringing of Joel’s phone pulled him out of his self-pitying trance.

“Hey, Dustin, dude” He tried to sound casual, but instead sounded strange. “What’s up?”.

“You alright?” Dustin didn’t sound fooled. “You sound weird”.

“Yeah, I’m fine” Joel lied.

“Okay” Dustin’s soft, silky voice was a welcome comfort as Joel shuffled back on his bed to lean against the wall. “Well, you coming out tonight?”.

A few moments of silence passed as Joel considered his options.

“I know you don’t like parties” Dustin seemed to have read the young man’s mind. “But I’ll be there, and you know, it’ll be fun”.

“Sure” What did he have to lose?

It was true. Joel did not like parties. He did not like noise. He did not like rowdy, drunk teenagers. He did not like the prospect of being thrown up on or surrounded by marijuana smoke. He did like being distracted from his racing thoughts, though, and he liked Dustin. At least if he was at a party he could delay the inevitable, teared-stained conversation he would soon have to have with his parents. God. How was he going to tell them?

Joel looked in the mirror at his ruffles of brown curls and the faint freckles on his light brown face. He pulled a grey, zip-up hoodie over his shoulders and fastened his faded blue jeans, before inspecting his appearance once more and then leaving his bedroom with a sigh.

“Where are you going?” Joel’s mother, Fiona, stood, hands on hips, at the top of the landing. Her long brown hair was, as per usual, tied up in a neat bun, and her hazel eyes stared accusingly straight at her son.

“To a party” Joel informed. “It’s Friday, I haven’t got any assignments due” He attempted to persuade her to let him go, though, this turned out to be completely unnecessary.

“Great, it’s about time you do something normal” She smiled, before her expression suddenly turned embarrassed and regretful.

“Not that you’re not” She looked to the floor. “Normal” She looked back at Joel. “You know what I mean”.

Joel chuckled and walked over to his mother, placing his hand softly on her shoulder.

“I know what you mean, mum” He kissed her cheek casually and patted her shoulder before making his way out of the house.

Dustin was waiting outside his house, handsome as ever, with his messy blonde hair and wide, shimmering smile, which was almost as shiny as his glittering, multi-colored jacket.

“What are you wearing?” Joel laughed, taking the bright fabric in his hands. He wasn’t quite sure how he’d ended up with someone so eccentric, especially given his usually reserved nature. Perhaps, like Ying and Yang, they could balance each other out.

“You like it” Dustin twirled confidently, before taking Joel’s hand and leading him into the night.

The party consisted of a small gathering of around twenty people, standing around in Mathew Hayson’s house while Nirvana blasted loudly through speakers. Plastic cups of beer and various other alcoholic drinks spilled into open mouths and onto the floor. It wasn't Joel's scene, but at least he got to watch Dustin's mindless dancing. When one of the boy's from his Philosophy class offered Joel some vodka and coke, he thought 'fuck it, it's not going to be the thing that kills me' and necked it quickly.

It was later that night, when Joel's vision was firmly impaired by alcohol, his inhibitions lowered, that he sat next to Dustin, on a small wooden bench, and held his hand.

"I...I want to tell you something" Dustin gulped, looking out at the moonlit garden, evergreen trees and large bushes only just visible. The night air was cool, but not not cold. Refreshing. "I think..." Dustin aimed those soft blue eyes at Joel. "I love you".

It was unclear to both Joel and Dustin why tears began to stream down Joel's cheeks. He didn't know how to respond. There was a bittersweet, sickly feeling in the young man's guts. He was hearing everything he wanted to hear. The person he loved loved him back. That was as rare as the collision of two black holes. He should have been delighted, and, he was. But how could he tell Dustin the news? They couldn't have a proper relationship, or a future. Joel probably only had a year left, at best.

"Cool, dude" Joel nodded, averting his gaze.

"Cool, dude?" Dustin frowned, removing his hand from Joel's. "I'm confused".

Joel shrugged, leaning his back casually on the bench, looking up at the stars, which swirled slightly above his head.

"Look, I'm sorry if I came on too strong" Dustin's hurt expression was enough to snap Joel out of his self-pitying silence.

"You didn't" He sighed. "I just can't be with you" Joel looked at Dustin, examining his beautiful features, trying to hold onto the image of his face.

"Okay" Dustin looked to the ground. "Why?" He questioned.

"I don't want to tell you" Joel began to cry again, annoyed at his own lack of emotional control. His eyes felt sore from all the tears and exhaustion as he closed them, leaning his head on Dustin's shoulder.

"How bad?" Dustin asked, resting his hand on Joel's arm.

"Real bad" Joel gulped, wondering how long it would take for his mental processes to deteriorate from the illness, and how long it would take for Dustin to notice. One month? Two? More?

"Whatever it is, you can talk to me" Dustin assured. "If you want" He looked slightly bashful, moving his eyes upwards to look at the sky.

Joel took a moment to open his eyes and lift up his head, looking at Dustin as he tried to formulate how he could break the situation to him. Turning to his friend in that moment was something Joel wanted to do, but didn't really know how. He needed someone to talk to, sure, but how are you supposed to talk to someone about the fact that you're terminally ill?

"I...I..." He stuttered. "I've got a brain tumor" He spoke quickly, letting the words fall out of his mouth like the vomit he could feel crawling up his dry throat.

Dustin laughed. He actually laughed. Looking at Joel with disbelief on his face, acting like he must be joking. Joel wished he was. It took a few moments of awkward laughter before Dustin realized the young man was serious.

"You mean it, don't you?" Dustin gulped, his face dropping, skin turning pale.

"Yeah" Joel nodded, wiping underneath his eyes.

"You'll get better, right?" Dustin furrowed his eyebrows nervously, his breathing visibly quicker.

"Probably not" Joel admitted. "It's progressed pretty far, and it's aggressive, so..." He trailed off.

"Fuck" Dustin began to sniffle, his eyes welling up. "I'm...I'm so sorry" He held the man's hand tightly, gripping it as though it were a lifeboat, and he was in the middle of the ocean.

"Thanks" Joel smiled. "And, for the record" He took Dustin's other hand in a romantic gesture. "I love you too".

Dustin smiled solemnly, and Joel lent in to press his soft lips against the person he always hoped would be more than his best friend. In that moment, as they were kissing, the pair managed to lose focus of the disaster looming ahead. They both knew how ugly things were going to get, how chemotherapy would ravage Joel's body, how the cancerous parasite would ravage his mind. Neither of them was going to let that poison the moment, though.

As they pulled apart, Joel couldn't help but feel a painful pang in his guts, a needy sensation which begged him to get support. He hadn't quite realized just how real the situation was, how much help he was going to need to get through it.

"I think I really need you right now, Dustin" Joel pursed his lips together.

"Okay" Dustin nodded, pulling Joel into a gentle hug. "I'm here".