Cinder Bestseller

"At night when she was tired, there was no bed for her to sleep in, but she had to lie down next to the hearth in the ashes."

–Jacob and Wilhelm Grimm, Kinder- und Hausmärchen, 1st ed. (Berlin, 1812), v. 1, no. 21. Translated by D. L. Ashliman.

FRENCH: Thanks for joining us at the Read More Books Podcast. I'm Walter French and I’m thrilled to have Eleanor Ashford, author of the best-selling novel Ugly Inside Out, as my guest. Eleanor’s novel is a paranormal comedy based loosely on the author’s own experiences growing up in a dysfunctional family. Publisher’s Weekly called Ugly Inside Out “a pointed tale of family dynamics.” And New York Times critic Jack Warner wrote, “will make you think twice about picking on your little sister.” Eleanor, you’ve had a lot to say about how your family situation changed after the death of your father.

ASHFORD: At first, it was almost funny. My stepmother made a job wheel out of cardboard and put it up on the refrigerator. But the thing didn’t spin. So, it looked like we are all sharing the workload, but in fact I was stuck on dishwashing and kitty litter duty while my step sisters were permanently engaged in answering the telephone and receiving visitors. But that was just the start. By the end of that first year, she had me out of school, cooking and cleaning fulltime for the whole damn house – four stories, five bedrooms, six wood-burning fireplaces.

FRENCH: Did you say anything?

ASHFORD: Sure, but every time we’d meet with an outsider – a teacher, a doctor, a therapist – my stepmother would just launch into her whole “oh, my poor, troubled child” act. I'd say what was happening in my house, she'd call me a liar, and everyone would be a lot more comfortable with her version. Reality is ugly. Most people just want the fairy tale.

FRENCH: And then this tale takes a major twist.  

ASHFORD: Yes, I like to call it my Fairy Godmother moment. I was in family court, again. I was not getting any help from the authorities, again. When the hearing was over and Step Mom left me cooling my heels on a bench in the hall, while she cruised for single lawyers, this geezer social worker plopped down next to me. I wasn’t sure who she was but she acted like she knew me. She waved her hands around in the air, prattled a few nonsense words, and then she changed gears. She leaned over and whispered in my ear: “If you say it out loud, it’s a lie. If you write it down, it’s fiction.”

FRENCH: Wow.

ASHFORD: Yeah, really. It was quite the light bulb moment for me.

FRENCH: And that’s when you began to write.

ASHFORD: Exactly. My first story was called “Sex and the Frigid Step Sisters.” Then came “Step Money.” And of course, there was “Party Time.”

FRENCH: About the sisters who go to the debutant ball in beautiful dresses and no underwear.

ASHFORD: Right.

FRENCH: Published by The New Yorker. Winner of the O. Henry.

ASHFORD: And optioned for a major motion picture. Don’t forget that.

FRENCH: All based on your family.

ASHFORD: All fiction.

FRENCH: But drawn from real life.

ASHFORD: All art is drawn from real life.

FRENCH: Still, these stories might be read as elements of your experiences.

ASHFORD: You said that. Not me.

FRENCH: Okay, then… moving on. The short stories were just your first forays into the literary world. You quickly graduated to longer works.

ASHFORD: Right. After that first year, I wrote Pussy, Pussy, Make Me Meow, a novella about a widow’s unholy relationship with her cat.

FRENCH: That made the list of top new erotica and top banned book by the National Concerned Parent Association. 

ASHFORD: Gotta love those uptight moms. The more they howl, the more books I sell.

FRENCH: Of course, your work is not without critics.

ASHFORD: I wouldn’t know.

FRENCH: Claire Hartley of the National Association of Blended Families says your work does a disservice to millions of successful second marriages.

ASHFORD: What do you expect? She's their paid spokesdog.

FRENCH: The police questioned you in connection with the social media catfishing of the mayor’s oldest son.

ASHFORD: Never proven to be me.

FRENCH: An article in the Journal of the American Medical Association found evidence of paranoia and dissociative tendencies in your work.

ASHFORD: Whatever.

FRENCH: The state's attorney's office is investigating whether or not the timing and content of your last short story collection contributed to the suicide of your eldest step-sister.

ASHFORD: Death by fiction? Not sure that's in the penal code.

FRENCH: Jack Warner of the New York Times says it’s high time the publishing world stopped enabling you to hurt people.

(Silence.)

FRENCH: Do you have a response to this latest charge?

(Silence.)

FRENCH: Okay, moving on. Are you working on a new project?

ASHFORD: Yes, it’s a noir romance about a literary podcaster who is dealing crack to children in an after-school program.

FRENCH: I’m sorry?

ASHFORD: It's called: Here, Kiddie, Kiddie.

FRENCH: A literary podcaster?

ASHFORD: Right.

FRENCH: Based on your recent experiences with a particular literary podcaster?

ASHFORD: Fiction.

FRENCH: But drawn –

ASHFORD: All art is drawn from real life experiences.

FRENCH: Wow.

ASHFORD: Did you have another question?

FRENCH: Yes. On a scale of 1 to 10, just how angry are you?

ASHFORD: First smart question you’ve asked me. Are you planning to edit this?

FRENCH: I don’t understand.

ASHFORD: This Q and A. This interview. Whatever the heck you call this thing we’re doing. Are you planning to edit?

FRENCH: Um...  

ASHFORD: Cut it? Shape it? Position it?

FRENCH: Well, I guess I –  

ASHFORD: Frame it? Twist it? Spin it? Take it and turn it into something that can enjoyed by polite society?

FRENCH: I wouldn’t say we –

ASHFORD: Because I wouldn’t. I mean, if I were you.

FRENCH: Me?

ASHFORD: Yes, you. I wouldn’t. I’d leave it as it is, without editing, without any of the crap that gets draped all over women when they write the truth. All those words men lob that that try to marginalize us.  She’s so angry, crazy, edgy, mouthy. I wouldn’t do any of that sort of thing. If I were you. Walt.

FRENCH: Um, right.

ASHFORD: Good boy.

FRENCH: Does that make me your accomplice?

ASHFORD: If the shoe fits.

– The End–