Neville's Big Speech

Class of 2025, I am your valedictorian, Neville Rabgrent, and I’m here to talk about the future, which is very bright, and a little about where we came from. Normally, this is supposed to start with some thank yous, so far be it for me to break from tradition. I want to thank my parents, Norman and Kitty, who had the absolute foresight of naming me Neville, and thus condemning me to a lifetime of looking at porn to have any contact with the opposite sex. Thank you very much.

Some snickers, but for the most part the chatter in the room died down.

I figured that would get some of you off your phones. I think that people tend to forget that I am here, if the experience of the last four years is any indication. Well, for as long as I am speaking, commanding your attention, I should have something to say. And oh boy, I do. But before we can speak, we need to listen.

I invented the Comfort EarPhone and Soundgard, CEPS, back in freshman year, you all probably don’t remember that. They are headphones with sound receivers affixed them, so you protect your ears from loud noises but could then focus on what you wanted to. I believed that I was helping the world, but then the names started. What was it that you all called me?

“RADAR!” Came the shout from the back of the room.

Why yes, Radar. Thank you Pete Helms, for reminding me. You know how it feels when a fourteen year old boy who desperately wants to valued by his peers is instead belittled by people shouting at him? Fortunately the CEPS protected my hearing, but not my feelings, from you all. You might be surprised to learn how much they picked up over my time in these halls, especially...well I didn’t invent it, but was the recipient of an invisibility potion.

A few guffaws, but there is some stirring in the parents section.

I almost forgot, there are many more people that I need to thank. But first, with us going back to the past and forward to the future, there needs to be something to keep us anchored in the here and now. So, I attached a small bomb to the underside of every fourth chair, controlled by this remote I have here in my hand.

I hold it up for the room to see. There are shouts, cries of panic and people look under their seats, seeing my work.

Now, now, I’m just going to hold on to this, unless you all try to leave or rush me before I’m done. I’ve been ignored by you people for far too long, and now you are gonna listen. Don’t worry, you will find it illuminating.

Thanks to Mrs. Crabfield, for giving me a set of keys to the school. Without you, all of this wouldn’t have been possible. I didn’t appreciate it when you said, “That poor strange Radar, such a smart boy but a stiff breeze would blow him away.” You in your wildest dreams would never have suspected what I was capable of. I don’t look like those beefy guys in those trashy romance novels you read constantly at your desk in the office instead of doing any actual real work, but perhaps you could have shown me a little respect.

From there, lets move to Mr. Mikey Weinburg. Thank you, Mr. Weinburg, for being you. You were among the worst here at Carter High, and not just for your impotent rants during social studies class about the current presidential administration. Your spittle inducing rages were quite humorous, as I can see you are building up to one now, but hold off. You demonstrated an example of what not to be, each and every day. Without you, we as students would not get to see how much of a failure an adult could be. Thank you.

You also demonstrated other behaviors that you probably don’t want us all to know about, but after telling me, “Radar, you aren’t going to amount to anything. You keep pining after Becky Gramn, I can see you making those googly eyes at her in my class. She’s a cheerleader, you are a snot nosed wimp, she is never going to go for you. Stick to the comic books, little skippy.” She wasn’t going to go for you either Mr. Weinburg. Especially after I saw you whacking it to her yearbook picture after class.

A gasp, and an angry shout. It looks like Becky’s parents are standing up.

Oh, there’s more. I know what you did with John Crable, and Devon Mars after class before Homecoming. Silence. I was sitting in class when you belittled them in front of all of us, threatening to not let them play in the big game unless they came in after school for extra “lessons”. They talked about how small and deformed it was in the locker room, the same locker room that I unbeknownst to them I was changing into my bird calling gear.

You could hear a pin drop.

Devon, you were always an asshole to me, but I didn’t blame you after that. I’m actually sorry about outing you, John, but people need to know. You were one of the few who never called me anything other than Chamberlain, which to be honest I find humorous. That crap wasn’t your fault. And I hope that the ones that I don’t know about, because, we know Mr. Weinburg did it frequently, can get a reckoning as well.

And that is what this really is, a reckoning. A lot of you people did wrong, and for us to confidently walk into the future, or something like that, we need to air it all out. I have the microphone, so I guess it is my turn.

Becky, its true I loved you. But when I saw you blow Vincent Plum under the bleachers during every basketball game during junior year, I kind of stopped. You could have had anyone, but you chose the scuzzy dropout who makes meth in his pants. You demonstrated that you couldn’t make a good decision, so I moved on.

Greg Journman, you ruined my science project in tenth grade, the reverse osmosis one, remember? A single snort. Yeah that one. You took a dump into one of the tanks. Caused me to have to pull an all-niter to fix it, which made me too exhausted to meet the legendary Paul Kirl, writer and creator of the Ultra-man comic series that night after school. He died two months after that in that car crash. Do you know that I was conversing with Paul, and that he expressed excitement at meeting me at that Con? Do you know what that meant to me?

“Should I? He was just some loser like you!” A few snickers.

No, I don’t think that you would. Oh, Greg, I was stuck in the closet at Meredith’s party that night, after Chuck Franz stuffed me in there for the temerity of showing up. I heard everything, including how Jackie Ross turned you down, and then threatened to tell everyone how small it was unless you kissed her bare feet. She laughed while I could hear you smooching them.

Greg looked red, while Jackie looked white.

Beth Jones, where are you? Oh, I see you there. I asked you out junior year, and you literally turned around, and ran away, in heels, without saying anything. On top of that, I heard you talking about it with disgust to your friends not an hour later. You avoided even coming near me in the halls for the next three months.

You would have had better luck with me Beth. Aaron Fields, your boyfriend, has been cheating on you with Margie Gill and Lucie Morgan since you started dating. Apparently Aaron likes your, in his words, slamming boobs, but can’t stand you otherwise. He told Lucie as much while they were eating at Burger Joes, with me in the next booth, by myself.

Ian Reese, I’ve not forgotten about you. You used to be the bane of my existence, in freshman and sophomore year. I think I had a fresh bruise from you at least once a week, if not more. Then, I guess you forgot I existed, since we haven’t spoken since that summer between tenth and eleventh. I wonder what happened. You know Ian, you might be surprised that someone can grow to appreciate the beatings, because at least then someone knows you exist. It actually hurt more to vanish.

I think why you left me alone was that you started dating Kelsie Soresan. Maybe she had a good influence on you. I hope so. But that doesn’t mean you get off scot-free. It wouldn’t be fair. But I am magnanimous if nothing else, so I say this with all good feelings. Brent and I paid Kelsie for a blowjob over Christmas break this year.

“DUDE!” came out of Brent’s mouth, and “SLUT!” came out of Ian’s.

We both didn’t want to go to college virgins, but we weren’t brave enough to go the whole way. We heard that she did that, and after saving up tutoring money...well that's another thing you were wrong about Mr. Weinburg. Its probably a good thing that you won’t be teaching here after this to spare Kelsie a fumbling creepy lecher trying to nickel and dime her price down.

I figured you didn’t know Ian, so as a thank you to you, I give you the gift of knowledge. And knowledge is what we are all here for at this institution, right? I can see Mr. Presten grinding his teeth over there. I know he liked to golf with Mr. Weinburg, did he make you do things when he beat you?

Mr. Presten’s face went crimson.

Oh, he did? That must be why you drink from that flask you keep in your desk drawer. Ms. Limus also does as well, but that is probably because she has no idea what she is doing in class. I don’t know why she was hired to be a science teacher when she has no idea of what science is. That gaudy flag she flies states as much. I thought the district told you to take it down and stick to teaching science, not whatever nonsense you picked up online.

She looked furious. Exactly when anyone in class asked too many questions about her “truth” or didn’t accept her latest fad as gospel.

I guess that comes down to the last thank you. Heather Zimm. This one is genuine, truly. If there was anyone here that could have understood my life here at Carter, it would have been you. Creative, ostracized and misunderstood. I could see it in your art you created on a daily basis, the pain in your soul that you poured out on that canvas. You have that hidden beauty, that you kept hidden from all of us, under baggy clothing, too much black makeup, and eyes that said “Fuck off” to everyone. You looked so gorgeous at Prom, I made up my mind that very moment you walked in that black dress, hugging your curves like a mountainside road, your obsidian hair covering your bare shoulders and a minimal amount of makeup that accentuated your face in all the right parts. The eyes still said “fuck off”, but I needed to ask you out. I had to, and I devised the perfect plan. Over and over again, and then in a moment of base insanity, I just went for it. You remember, it was yesterday.

She looked straight ahead, trying not to catch my eye. It was the first time she hadn’t looked at me all speech.

Of course you do. I came up outside Ms. Jones’s class, and I said, “Hi, Heather, would you like to get some food after school?”. For a moment, your eyes softened, and then you said, well you remember.

“I said, “Why would you even think to ask me out, you toad? Do you think that I am anywhere in your league? You should just die, and stop wasting my oxygen. Go away, and never speak to me again.”” She didn’t once look at me when she said it.

Word for word. I’m pleased that you remembered as fondly as I do. Well, sorry for not following that request. After that, I decided that my speech today needed some work, and I put together a few things to help me get through all of it. So, from the bottom of my heart, thank you Heather.

And, we all should really thank Heather for today. She is the reason why all of us have such bright future’s in front of us. Free of the burden’s of our past, the books slapped to the ground, the slams into lockers, and monies strong armed out of our wallets that will remain unmentioned, uncounted but not unremembered. I for one when I pass one of you, my fellow travelers in these halls for the last four years, will think of your faces right now fondly.

Audrey Hepburn once said, “Nothing is impossible, the word itself says I’m possible.” I guess that's true, because I didn’t think that would get through this. I figured I would lose my nerve, or decide that somethings couldn’t be said. But since I did this, I guess that wasn’t true.

Another good quote is, “There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind,” by C.S. Lewis. I always liked that lion. And its true, or at least it better be. Because I know high school is horrible, and the only way you survive that horror is to hope that there will be better days ahead. So let me leave you with hope. I hope that you all get what’s coming to you, whether its handcuffs in Mr. Weinburg’s case, a girl your don’t have to pay in Brent’s, someone who understands your aren’t stupid in John’s, or someone you consider to be worth you, Heather.

In retrospect, maybe I wouldn’t have done it differently. Maybe I deserved everything I got, because I made me the person I am right now. I’d like to think that the universe gives us all our comeuppance, if we are patient enough to wait for it. So, I guess that’s my quote, my own wisdom for each of you.

So with that, I must wrap it up. We all have graduation parties to get to. I didn’t get any invites but I my parents got a root beer keg so you all are welcome to come over for a bit. Go forth, and be excellent to each other. Or at least truthful. Congrats to us all, Class of 2025! Radar out!