The Eye

“It doesn’t count if you’re already planning your defeat," his voice echoed and echoed and echoed.

I realized the extent of my fatigue only as I sat down on my bed, ready to sleep. I needed a minute to process the rest of the motions that I would have to make before I fade into a deep slumber, lol joking, I mean before I stare at the wall wide awake unable to close my eyes. My eyes didn’t feel my own when I was sitting, wide numb. I was thinking that the only moment of rest was the five minutes I’d spend trying to ready myself to sleep. But the laying down process never happened. One of my eyes, the left one, started to swell for no apparent reason. It was getting bigger and bigger and the right one was getting smaller and smaller. I thought the right eye was being absorbed by the left, which no longer could hold in the socket and burst forward with a pop that I would never forget. Loud and resonant.

I clutched the left side of my face and stood up to get my eye, which was frantically jumping all over the bright room. It was confused and unsettled. I was surprised I could still see with my right eye. Now exhausted, my left eye was shuddering in the middle of the room. Surprisingly I could feel the cold of the room inside my vacant socket. I advanced slowly, wondering if it could see me, and deciding that no, I slid down, one knee gently resting, a knight in disguise. I freed the left side of my face and jerked my arm back and with one determined motion forward enclosed my eye and brought it back to my face. But when I wanted to stand up, I could no longer un-glue my right knee. It was stuck and would not budge. Worse, it was becoming part of the floor. I used my hands for support, I could see only the right hand, which was leaking off and disappearing beneath the cold concrete. My right eye, shrinking with surprise, was unaccompanied by my left eye, which now popped out again. I struggled in vain, silent and scared, but nothing could stop the progress. My arms got swallowed, my face, my chest, my back, everything went down. The last thing I sensed as I was fading away was my left eye, which did not come down with me.

“And it goes on...”

“Who’s there???”

“The question is who are you?”

“How did you find me?”

“As I always do. As I always do..."

“Don't go”

“You will hear me again"

I realized the extent of my fatigue only when I sat down on the library chair, ready to go home but unable to move. I needed a minute to process the rest of the motions that I would have to make before I read some more, lol joking, I mean before I leave once more, always leaving behind a piece of my being. I looked around me and there is no one. Has everyone gone home?

My eyes didn’t feel my own when I was sitting, wide numb. I was thinking that the only moment of rest was the five minutes I’d spend trying to ready myself to go home. But home I had never seen again. One of my eyes, the left one, started to swell for no apparent reason. It was getting bigger and bigger and the right one was getting smaller and smaller. I thought the right eye was being absorbed by the left, which no longer could hold in the socket and burst forward with a pop that I would never forget. Loud and resonant.

I clutched the left side of my face and stood up to get my eye, which was frantically jumping between the aisles of the dim library. It was confused and unsettled. I was surprised I could still see with my right eye. Now exhausted, my left eye was shuddering on an empty table.

Surprisingly I could feel the cold and slippery surface of the table inside my vacant socket. I advanced slowly, wondering if the eye could see me and deciding that no. I gently but forcibly grabbed it, my holy grail. I freed the left side and brought the eye back to my face. But when I wanted to move, I could no longer un-glue my feet. They were stuck and would not budge. Worse, they were disappearing beneath the carpet. I wondered if I was falling to the first floor since I was half standing in the second floor. I used my arm the clutch the table, the remaining of a sinking ship. I could see the surface of the table rising, as my efforts made no difference. I was disappearing and I could not even scream for help, not that there was anyone around. My right eye, shrinking with surprise, was unaccompanied by my left eye, which now popped out again. I struggled in vain, silent and scared, but nothing could stop the progress. My waist got swallowed, my chest, my face, everything went down. The last thing I sensed as I was fading away was my left eye, which did not come down with me.

“This again!”

"and always"

"This voice… yours or mine? I have never meant to give up nor have I, or have I? I have not; no matter what you repeat, no matter what they say. I have never meant to hurt you; this you must know wherever you are. And if your aim is to drown me in a sea of regret, know that a phoenix is afraid neither of the mighty tears nor of a heavy past. This thought never leaves me. Day and night I dwell in a repetition that I myself have made, or have I? What is happening to me?"

“You are falling”

“But I am struggling not to!”

“But are you?”

“I.... try....”

“Does it count that you try when you are already planning your defeat...”