when fear takes over

rose

I am Rose Allen i have been on this earth for 14 years i like to sleep i like to pretend I'm not here. i get bullied a lot i don't know why ,i like to imagine what things would be like if i was prettier. I used to care about things but now i only really care about my insecurities. i stare into the mirror in my room being only noticing my pimples and scars i came out of the psychiatric ward 2 months ago things have been hard but I'm trying. I wish that was enough. My family have been really supportive but they still don't feel like what i feel.i have been self harm clean for 1 month now and my family want to give me a party of some sort and they have invited lots of my friends. this makes me uncomfortable i don't want to be around people i sort of hate people sometimes i know this is probably not doing me any good saying theses things but I'm tired of staying quiet. i tried to get some sleep even though it was only 2.30 pm i watched a little of the tv series skins before everything turns black and i fall asleep.

jack

i am jack marshal i like parties, girls and football. Rose and i have been dating for 7 months now, we have been best friends for ages ever since primary school she was the only friend i had when i had no other friends. I don't know how i can tell her i don't like her anymore I've just lost interest i understand she has had a hard tie since her mum left her and her dad . i also know her dad has become addicted to drugs and that rose has just come out the hospital and is in recovery. she tells me everything from little secrets to big ones but it gets annoying after a while to be honest I'm sick of her going on about some game she likes i have better things to do .she also gets bullied by my friends and i feel sorry but what can i do if i stand up for her ill just get bullied too. today we were in the cafeteria having our lunch when a rumour was spread about her cheating on me ,my friends were laughing and pointing at her i was to annoyed to go and comfort her. she gave me a tight little smile of hers and i just glared back at her. She walks over to our group and strokes my arm gently trying to hug me "get off me you freak" i say instant guilt washes over me. Before one of my mates gets up and shouts so that everyone can hear it "yeah Rose get your fat ass of our bench" she starts to cry silent tears roll down her cheeks i didn't know what to do i wanted to fit in be one of them not a freak like rose so i joined in laughing as Rose turned and ran out of the cafeteria. "come on it was just a joke" i shouted after her not knowing what else to say to her.

Rose

it was better but now its getting worse again ,i relapsed and i have no idea how to tell my dad without him freaking out . I'm just so tired again like all i want to do is sleep. Its like this wave of anxiety has come over me but i can't be bothered to be scared. Jack came over yesterday for the first tie since it happened. i sat quietly on the couch as i he sits right next to me with his phone in his hands. i watch him my soft smile curving into a frown he keeps moving his phone away from me so i can't see his screen. I quickly looked away from him and my throat turned dry and tears started welling up inside me. I hoped it wouldn't be true but he's been acting like this for months now i know somethings up. He used to talk to me all the time and cuddle up to me and hug me from behind. He used to care for me. It used to be comfortable and caring silence , but now its full of broken trust. I breath in deeply steading myself before turning around to the man I've loved for months now. "Do.. you love me?" i ask him hesitantly. Only then do his eyes dart up to meet mine, dread filling those clear blue eyes.

Jack

this is it i have to say it now. So i spit it all out. "i want to break up with you " i say before i can take it back she demands to know why i just say she was too clingy "i just don't love you anymore" i tell her i clench my fists and just walk out on her trying not to care.

Rose

And just like that my world is shattered into pieces my heart starts to crumble tears building in my eyes. Gulping i try to keep my cry down while he bangs the door on me. I walk down the street mascara down my face as i sob. All i wanted was for someone to love me, with a gasp i stable into someone before looking at them she was a stranger and she just gazed at me and pulled me into a tight hug. And i hugged her back it was ages before we let go . we exchanged numbers and i left. i didn't get any sleep. It was the next morning and i put my largest black hoodie on and went back to sleep. I would be lying if i said i didn't cry all night because that's what i did do.

Over the next few weeks all that got me through it was maya that's the name of the girl i met that night. its like she's my safety net that i can crawl to once it all gets to much. She holds me tightly when I'm sad. i was finally two months clean or so maya thought. She brought flowers and chocolate over and made me a card it was all really sweet but how could i tell her. i quickly pulled down my sleeves as she walked in. "what are these for i " i ask i giggle softly "Your 2 months clean I'm so proud " she exclaims my smile immediately goes away how can i tell her? " what's wrong " she asks me a concerned look on her face. "i relapsed" i whisper "please don't be mad" she pulls me into a tight hug before cupping her hands around my face and .... and kissing me. It was a deep kiss. Her lips tasted of honey and freedom i was so happy and i felt amazing in that moment . Two weeks later i was hospitalised again for relapsing . But this time it really helped me. aye was the only person who visited me when i was ill. So i really have noticed that i love her more than i could have loved Jack ever. Hospital really gave me that courage to speak up. So the first thing did when i was released 1 month later was talk to my dad. My dad went to rehab and is in recovery now i feel much safer around him.

"well um.."i stutter

"take your time love" he replies kindly

" i i think I'm bisexual.." finally i say it i feel a flood of comfort and proudness flood through me. after a couple of seconds of silence we look at each other

"darling it's ok " he says smiling.

after i found maya i found my voice and can finally speak up i feel so happy around her. So of course i call her after coming out and she comes round immediately. She pulls me in to a hug. such a tight hug i can hardly breath. And in that moment i feel completetly content not i worry at all. I finally feel ok.