Music For Granted

Music for Granted

"Bye", I say, or rather 'said' since it happened 5 minutes ago. I stood there at the bottom of the building....amid the rain. I had just waved goodbye to my dad who had left and would be back. Hated that...leaving. But I need not worry. Soon they would see what I have done and be pleased. The wind pushed against me, I swayed to right side of the balance forcing me to rearrange my feet accordingly. A strand of my hair flew into my eye, stinging. Brushing it aside I stepped backward and went on my way.

It was strange. They were leaving to go to a soccer match for my sister. I would have come, but today called for action that was new and exciting for me. I was meeting with several friends of mine who were played strings like myself, planning to perform a music piece for next month. My former music teacher was helping organize and submit us to concerts. Great man.

*

I was a person who wanted to use everything I had. At age 3 I was given my violin. I played soccer for my school team and when I could outside practice. At school, I aced every test, so much so, I felt I was literally, 'too cool for school'. Is that the phrase? I must have heard that from one of the students in my class. I didn't have much else except that, I lost most everything when I was 14 after my parents got upset.

Yet, for all the success I attained with what little I had, I always felt fatigued, or worn down in comparison with my sister. Was I missing something? I could feel it everywhere, in my house, when I go to school, when I am with my family, even when I sit alone. I had hoped that the future concert I was orchestrating would resolve this.

*

"How was today?" my sister asked trying to break the silence at the table. It was fine, I had chosen an excellent piece from the Baroque era. After exchanging the question, my sister said that she had entered into the final tournament. Seemed to me like our absence of each other that day had benefited both of us. "I'm glad someone is doing something." said my dad looking at her. I thought he would be exited about it. I told him so. He glanced back, "No, no. It is very great your life is getting better. Just don't mistake this as a guarantee for better things. You have to do way more to prove you're worth this.

*

Sitting outside, near the setting sun, I emailed my friends, checking if they had their parts rehearsed. After, I pondered what he had said. Undoubtedly, I was missing something. My father had always encouraged my talents as he did with my sister, but he did so seemingly, conditionally. I did not hear my sister come out, "You're upset." she said. "with them, yourself, and life.

Knowing what she meant, my reflex was to pretend I didn't, "Upset? I'm not upset. They are the best people ever, done so much for us, got us to where we are. Why, wha, why would you think I'm upset?

She edged closer to me. "Our parents individually have gone through a lot for us, and we are accomplishing so much. But I'd like to share something I've realized a while ago. Everything we did, we did to make ourselves better. Our dad thinks that if we succeed, he will be satisfied, but this isn't about him, or her."

"I just don't want to forget everything what the've suffered. No matter what I do, I will always win for them."

"They may not see it that way. More and more you are practicing your music and your schoolwork at the expense of time with them and me. Look, I just want you to know that you don't always have to be the good boy. It's okay to once in a while go your own way. We are made for more."

*

The concert was in a few hours and I was ready than ever. In addition the the collective baroque piece I would play with the orchestra, they would accompany me with a new solo violin piece. But to play well, I wanted to put this matter behind me. I had to talk with her. Both my parents would be there, but now, I was with my mom., who was seeing if I was ready when I asked, "Are you proud of me. Do you care what I do?" My mom's smile faded, "How could you say that to us after all the sacrifices I made for you to get here. This has been to make you better."

"I just wanted to..." Although I wanted to say, 'just forget it', I pushed on, "Wait a minute. Not just for me, this is for you too. I may want something for myself, but you still are part of it. I thought this would make you feel better and help me"

My mom got angrier, " You're ungrateful that's what it is. Just like your dad. You get one thing for yourself and think you did it all yourself. Just like your sister. Just get out. NOW." she said.

*

I used to love the special soup that my dad would make on big occasions such as, top grade scores, sport games, or concerts. It was composed of hot broth with crisp noodles and a shrimp or two. He added a few other spices he promised he'd show me one day. It was today that I was going to have it after the concert.

But I didn't feel ready. I just wanted to be assured everything would be alright. I sat outside the hall of the concert hall waiting. My sister jogged up toward me and dropped her advice, "You can do this. It doesn't matter what they said, they were upset. If you play well and thank them after, they will see you for who you are."

"Why would that help me? My parents already are getting more pissed off with everything I do"

"Because you have always been grateful for everything. Gratitude is always rewarded, don't be like other kids. So you've suffered and so have they, this will only make you better." She breathed for a moment and continued, "I'm telling you this because I believe in you. Know why, because you're smart, caring, and you will push through no matter how much mom and dad are disappointed in you"

I don't know why what she said helped me. It seemed like she was trying to pull me away from them, to be ungrateful. Or maybe she truly wanted to help me no matter what. I had the choice not to listen, and that would be made another day. All I knew in that moment is that I lacked confidence, and she gave it to me.

I smiled at her, "Thanks."

"You're on in 5. Play Ball" she joked.

*

The Orchestra was a surprise success. I felt confident in my performance and my mom and dad seemed pleased.

"You surprise us." they said. "Anything you want to say?"

I thought, "Yeah, thanks for both of you being here together."

"No problem." And they headed towards the car outside.

Maybe they didn't truly think so, but I liked seeing them back together after what happened when I was 14. My sister was overjoyed.

"Looks like you did it. You really do win for them and us. I'm proud."

I wished I could believe that this would be the resolution. I wanted to believe everything would be great. But that was for my parents to resolve and for me to help. My sister may not have thought as I do, but I can try and help her.

"Play ball." I murmured as I walked with her.