Hello and goodbye...forever

I glance up from my conversation with my friend, Beth, and behind her, I see him entering the café holding her hand. Waves of emotion rush through me; fear, surprise, anxiety, excitement, desire, and joy, all at the same time. I had never expected to meet his wife and had hoped I would never have to. Seeing her felt even worse than I could have imagined. She looks so kind, so pretty, so wonderful.

Remember, he doesn’t want her. He is with you. Yeah, but not publicly. Publicly he’s still with her. I argue with myself. I try to refocus on my conversation with Beth, but I can’t stop staring at them. He hasn’t seen me yet and he is laughing with her, grinning ear-to-ear. Now he’s stopped holding her hand and is slowly rubbing her back as they wait in line to order while perusing the café menu. I am aghast. He lied to me. I thought he hated her? I thought he didn’t want to be with her, that they were both really unhappy? Adding confused and frustrated to my list of emotions, I try again to listen to Beth talk about our Sunday school class that I had skipped the prior week.

“And then he was talking about how Jesus had two main principles, you know – to love others as yourself and to love - Kiera?” Beth pauses when she sees my expression. “Something is going on with you, what is it?” She slowly turns to follow my gaze where I am staring behind her.

“Oh my gosh! That’s my friend, Jenna, from work. I’ve been wanting to introduce you two. You have so much in common! You’ll love each other!”

What? Beth knows her? How? Oh my god, could this get any worse? You have no idea how much we have in common. I thought ironically.

Beth jumps to her feet. “Jenna?!” She waves in excitement and quickly walks over to chat with them while they wait in line. She motions excitedly while chatting with them for a few minutes. She points over in my direction and I see the smile fade off Mike’s face the instant he sees me. He withdraws his hand from Jenna’s back the moment our eyes connect. I see several expressions flit across his face as he appears to flow from surprise to guilt to excitement to lust and finally, fear. He gives me a slight shake of his head and I subtly nod back in understanding. I know that no matter how hurt and confused I feel, I love him and I can’t let his wife find out about us today.

Beth comes skipping back a few moments later and slips into her seat. “Great news! Jenna and her husband, Mike, are going to come and eat with us once they get their food. I’m so excited to introduce you two.”

I smile awkwardly. “Cool.”

“Kiera, what’s going on? You love meeting new people more than anyone I know, and you’ll love Jenna! She goes to a church like ours on the other side of town and you guys have similar hobbies and interests. She loves singing and old TV shows. Plus, I think your husbands will get along great!”

Ha. I doubt it. Andy would hate him. “Yeah, that’s great. You’ve told me a lot about her. I just didn’t expect her to be so…” I paused. So what? So perfect? So kind? So attached to the man I love? “…um here.” I try to smile more warmly.

Beth looks at me sideways but doesn’t have a chance to say anything else before Jenna and Mike arrive. I notice that he’s completely stopped touching her. I also notice that he’s avoiding eye contact with me. Wow, he looks amazing. My eyes glide over his muscular arms bulging through his tight t-shirt and his jeans emphasizing some of my favorite features. His vibrant blue eyes sparkle like he has a secret no one else knows and he has on his normal charming and dimpled grin. His 6’3” frame is intimidating, unless he’s holding you against his carved body as his mouth absorbs yours. God, I want him so bad. I would take him to the bathroom right now. Eight months and I don’t want him any less than the day I met him.

Deciding that thinking about sex with my secret lover while getting ready for a lunch with his wife is a bad idea, I take a minute to assess my competition more deeply. She is short and curvy with luscious red waves framing her pale face and pink cheeks. Despite wearing little makeup, she is stunning. She has kind, big, blue eyes, and a shy and adorable smile. Every ounce of her exudes kindness.

Beth shifts one seat to her right so that she sits to my left as Jenna sits across from me and Mike sits on my right. They take a minute to settle in and Jenna looks at me and smiles kindly. My heart breaks a little more. How can I do this to her?

“Kiera, meet Jenna and her husband Mike. Jenna, Mike, this is Kiera. This was going to be a girl’s breakfast, so you aren’t able to meet her husband, Andy, but I’m sure you’ll have the chance to meet in the future. I am so excited I have the chance to introduce two of my favorite people.” Beth exclaimed. “Now what are you two crazy kids doing all the way up north here? Isn’t it like an hour from your house?”

Exactly. What are you doing here? I thought. And why are you so friendly, Mike, if you actually do hate your wife like you told me you did?

“Ah – well it’s our monthly date day.” Jenna says with a smile. She reaches for Mikes hand. He uncomfortably grasps her hand, gives it a little squeeze and then releases it. She shoots him a quizzical look.

“Jenna – I don’t want to make your friends uncomfortable with too much affection.” Mike says with an awkward chuckle.

“Oh nonsense!” Beth exclaims. “You two are adorable and I definitely don’t mind. Besides, you are talking to two married ladies. You should see Kiera with her husband. They are far more affectionate.”

“Oh really?” Mike says with a slight tone of accusation as he shoots me a piercing gaze for a brief second, before picking up Jenna’s hand and kissing it, while looking at me.

That fucker. Trying to make me jealous because he got jealous about my husband?

“Oh yeah, they are all over each other.” Beth says with a laugh.

I laugh uncomfortably. “Oh Beth, I don’t know if it’s THAT much.” I say with a momentary glare at Mike and a pointed gaze to where I see his hand now stroking Jenna’s thigh.

He give me a compassionate gaze and looks at Beth as he withdraws his hand and uses it to grab his coffee. “Well, thank you both for clearing that up.”

Jenna seems to be oblivious to the exchange between Mike and I, thankfully. She starts asking me questions. “So, Kiera, how do you know Beth?”

“Beth and I go to church together. Beth said you know each other from work? Do you work in the same department?”

“Oh that’s wonderful! I love our church and Beth says it’s a lot like yours. Yes, we know each other from being co-workers in the same department. Customer Service for the win!” She says with the most delicate laugh. I die a little more inside. I’m the worst person in the world.

“Kiera – listen to this! Jenna lived in Bhutan helping orphans for three years between high school and college. She went with her church missionaries who live there.”

“Wow.” I am in shock. Oh my god. She’s incredible. What am I doing? Why would he want me instead of her? “That’s pretty amazing.”

“Oh, you are too kind! Beth has told me many wonderful things about you. That you like old tv shows?” She tries to switch the focus back to me. While I think it might tear me apart, maybe in punishment to myself, I want to know about her and Mike. What is their relationship really like?

“I do, but that’s so boring. Let’s talk about you two and your romance! Tell me, how did you meet? How long have you been married? How is married life?”

Mike shoots me a subtle look of warning.

Jenna smiles shyly and looks at Mike lovingly before proceeding. “I’d love to share. We met at church four years ago. He was amazing and it was love at first site. We’ve been madly in love ever since. We volunteer at church together, we travel together, we spend every moment we can together, I mean when he’s not working those long hours like he has been the last eight months or so.” She ends with a note of sadness in her voice.

What the fuck am I doing to this wonderful woman? Mike lied to me.

“Wow. I love that.” Beth states passionately.

“That’s great.” I mumble, I can feel a rush of shame coming over me and my cheeks beginning to flush. I know I need to get away. “I’m sorry, but I need to run to the restroom.” I quickly push back my chair and stand up. I rush toward one of the three single occupancy restrooms in the back of the café.

As soon as I lock the door behind me, I collapse on the floor in silent sobs, my whole body shaking. What have I done? I believed everything he told me. I am such an idiot. I thought he loved me. A few minutes into my breakdown, I hear a soft knock on the door.

“Kiera, can I come in please?”

“Why? You are a fucking liar.” I say in a stage whisper choked by a sob.

“Kiera, you know how these church ladies are, they make everything seem better than it is.”

“I don’t know, Mike, she seems pretty authentic to me.”

“Kiera, can you please just let me in so we can talk about it?”

I stand up and dab the tears from my eyes. I should at least hear him out, we’ve been seeing each other for so long now and I really do love him.

I slowly unlock and open the door. He slips in and locks the door behind him.

“Kiera, I haven’t been able to stop looking at you and wishing I could hold you since I saw you. You look incredible today.” He grabs me and pulls me into him in a tight embrace. I can feel him getting excited. He pushes me against the wall aggressively and starts kissing my neck, my check, my ears. He knows this is my kryptonite. He also knows that I love risky sex.

I can’t. Not now, not when I know he lied. It takes me a minute to rally the strength to overcome my physical desire and do what I know I need to do.

“Fuck you, Mike. No!” I shove him off me. “Mike – you lied to me. I saw you when you came in. You are clearly in love with her. You were holding her hand, laughing, rubbing her back. You’ve been fucking me for eight months while you were still in love with her.”

“Kiera – you’re kidding me right? You’re going to put this on me? How many times have you told me you hate your husband, but now I find out that you and Andy are passionate? I loved you and I thought you loved me, but you have been fucking him the whole time you’ve been fucking me.”

“And you? You haven’t had sex with your wife since we’ve been together?”

“No- ok – well once, because she felt guilty – like she had to have sex with me on my birthday. And fine, I do love her, but not romantically, more like a little sister or a friend. We have fun together, but sex with her has never been like it is with you. I fucking love you.”

“No – you love fucking me.” I answer bitterly.

“You aren’t even going to deny it with Andy?”

Shame is overwhelming me. Shame that I’m a cheater. Shame that I’ve completely abandoned my faith, my morals, my beliefs for this man who has not been honest with me. That I’ve lost who I am. And that I lied to him about my relationship with my husband so I wouldn’t feel as guilty when I was with him. I am no better than him. He lied to me and I lied to him. We are worse human beings when we are together.

“You are right. I don’t love him, but I do still have sex with him and I am still affectionate with him in public. Listen, Mike, we can’t love each other while we are married to other people and we certainly can’t love them like we should when we are together.”

“Kiera, I want you and I love you. I will leave her. I want to be with you.”

“No Mike, no. Who are we kidding? If we think a long-lasting monogamous relationship can grow out of infidelity, we are fooling ourselves. Your wife is a wonderful person and you are not loving her the way you should. I know I’m doing the same thing to Andy, so I’m not shaming you, but I am saying that I’m done. I can’t live this way anymore, not after meeting her. This has changed everything for me. Please don’t ever contact me again.” I turn to walk out the door and I feel his hand on mine.

I turn back toward him and see his eyes welling with tears begging me to stay. “Kiera, please. I love you.”

“No. I love you too, but we can’t be together.” I state firmly, a tear trickling down my face. In one final moment of passion, I push him against the wall, stand on my tip toes and give him one final, passionate kiss. I turn around and walk out of the bathroom, stopping by the table to say goodbye to Beth and Jenna. I let them know my work has called and I have to take off. I apologize for leaving so early as I pack up my things and head towards the front door.

As I near the exit, I hear Mike call out, his voice catching in his throat a bit, “Bye, Kiera, it was nice to meet you.”

I don’t stop, I don’t turn around, I walk boldly into the daylight, determined that I will never again forget that it is my duty to treat every person with dignity, even if that means that sometimes I must suffer a loss.