Lonely but not alone

I must sleep and I can’t.

I’m in a foreign country, on the other side of the planet, I wouldn’t see my mother for a half a year, I got 50$ in my pocket. I will live in an unknown place with the strangers. I’m grateful to God that He helped me to win this round. I know My life is about to be changed forever. 

I’m a Russian girl born in former USSR. All my life I lived in Ukraine and now I’m in Barbados. It’s a midnight and tomorrow will be my first day working onboard the cruise ship as a cruise ship photographer. 

After restless 34 hours of four flights and different airports there is a condition that you are like in a dream, everything feels surreal and lack of sleep and excitement do not let you to relax. 

I stepped outside the hotel room on the patio and smelled the air, filled with tropic flowers and humidity. It’s so different from the -30C cold and snowy city I left behind. Next 6 months I will be far away from my home, my mom. I was not allowed to date anyone, drink or smoke, my parents were very strict Christians. I’m 25 and I’ve never kissed a man. I have never been to another country, I had never met a foreigner with a native English. There were only Vietnamese and Arabic medical students in my town. I was really excited to meet the foreigners from the USA, Australia or the UK. They were all to me as people from another world, people who are beautiful, lucky and graceful by default. All that was frightening and exciting. I hope I can be friends with them.

By my occupation I’m a teacher of Russian and Ukrainian, my second degree was in finances. I love teaching and I’m really good with children, but The teachers make 200$ per month and bank workers 400$. So I worked in bank just to pay the bills, but my heart belonged to creative jobs.

My father was an abusive and a violent man.

Once my mother was beaten so badly that the doctors advised yo be prepared for worst. I didn’t want to accept it. I prayed for a few days, laying on the floor in tears, moaning for her getting well. That night I asked God to save my mom and I promised to be righteous and faithful, to earn money to buy own apartment and never see my mother hurt again. My mother came out of coma the next morning. I knew what I must do.

Home abuse leaves the scars in our souls that even if they are healed, they are the reminders how bad you could be hurt by the closest people. So I kept any males away from myself and never relied on any. My mother taught me to rely on God and myself only. So I did. I’m alone in Barbados now. Seemed like a dream.

First time I googled where Barbados was when I was sent my four flights to join the ship. Another search I made about the islands which are called the Caribbean. You know, I was not a good geography student. I wanted to learn geography by visiting countries. The destinations from a dream on the other side of the world. So exotic! All excitement was stronger than a fatigue from 2 sleepless days and nights. 

How well I will understand and speak English, who will be my team, my roommate Or roommates? management? Will they be kind? Who will meet me in the lobby tomorrow? 

“You will never make it! You think your cuteness will be enough? You must have the connections to get this job. You even don’t own your own camera!”- the voice of the one Of my “friends” appeared in the memory. 

There was such a long way to this moment. 

Another “friend“ from my neighbourhood and their words that I would never make it even to the interview appeared again. Why people so eager to tell The others about future failures? Nobody knows about the future. Everyone has a unique path.

Almost 200 applicants in the corridors of Odessa were sitting on the floor, standing leaving on the walls, waiting hours and hours for the interview. The old soviet building with a squeegeeing floor, no AC, no cafeteria.

My dear mother sold her wedding band so I could buy a round trip train ticket to Odessa to be interviewed. 14 hours trip one way in an old train car, without AC, hot July. It was my first trip alone to another city, so I was praying all the times with my own words, gaining the confidence and a warm calm feeling inside that it was my path. 

Waiting for 10 hours to be called in the corridor without chairs. I didn’t eat anything so the pending headache was my only friend. Finally I was called in. The interviewer was a Croatian man around 45 years old, dark thick hair and dark beard, tired, but smiling. He looked at me and asked how I was, I thanked him for his concern and paid him with the same question. The Croatian man was very relaxed and calm and it helped me to forget about the headache and I smiled and said I needed this job to buy my own apartment, so I was ready to work hard. The man said that he would see me in a week. I passed the first stage. I left with the mixed feelings: happy that it was over, but in a week to be in Odessa again meant expenses again and again one more 28 hours round trip to Odessa! Nobody told me that it would be not just one interview to pass, but 5.

Now I am in Barbados. The Beautiful people with an amazing dark velvet skin are everywhere in the hotel. They speak English not as I was studying it, they speak with the accent, but I understood them. I was so happy!

God was watching me from the tropical darkest blue skies with millions of shiny bright starts. I felt I’m not alone.

Tomorrow I’ll join the unknown.