Beautiful

White. Black. White. Everything suddenly swirls into a blend of dull colour, twisting around my body. White. Black. White. The sudden flash of light against the monotonous colour pallet nearly makes me go blind. I feel as if I left my gut behind, leaving its content crawling up my throat as I fall into the abyss. I scream, my voice tearing itself from my throat in terror. My cry echoes against the pit walls, bouncing back into my ears. Tears stream down my face as I let my voice rake its way across my throat. I can see the glare of the water beneath me. But as I pummel towards it, one last thought goes through my mind.

***

The stars gleamed over my head, shimmering as they pirouetted their way across the sky, clothed in their beautiful dresses. Shades of purple, blues, oranges and greens dance with each other. As I watch the sky unfull its long navy wings, soaring over my head never-endingly. Specks of gold travel across its rigid surface.

My feet dangle off the wooden bridge, toes skimming the water. I look down, admiring the terra-cotta-coloured fish darting beneath me. But as my gaze changes, I catch a glimpse of my reflection. My smile wipes itself as I stare into all my broken dreams. My mother died four months ago, leaving me alone with my father. I did my best in an attempt to forget the throbbing memories, but each time I catch my reflection, all I can see is my mother. I squeeze my eyes shut to escape the reflection, rippling across the river.

I feel a calloused hand slowly come down on my shoulder. One all too familiar. When my mother died, I found myself constantly slipping away from reality. My life would slip through my fingers, crashing to the floor. I found it harder and harder to grasp reality. I would see things and people who weren't really there. Losing my mother was the hardest thing I ever thought could possibly happen to me. I loved my mother more than I loved the world. She was my life. I loved my mother more than I could ever love anyone else. After she died, everything seemed to shatter into a million pieces. I would constantly find myself slipping from the present, rocking myself into blackness. I would sit against the wall, head against my knees, arms wrapped around my body. It seemed to be the only way to escape from my pain. I would close my eyes and listen to my heartbeat, pounding against my ribs. Listening to the rhythmic sound, my body slowly would shut down, my mind slipping away, oblivious to everything but the constant thumping. I often tried to make sense of it, but it was hard to explain. The closest conclusion I could come to was that it was constant -- that no matter what was happening around me, my heartbeat would still be there. It was the only thing I knew could never leave me, following me until I dropped. These coma-like trances could last for hours, no one being able to shake me out of it, leaving me trapped within my own mind. But Pheonix always seemed to end up next to me, slowly pulling me from my own trap, bringing me back to reality. He was the only thing that anchored me back to the world. I can't say I never thought silly girl dreams, but it wasn't like that. We were best friends and that's all I've ever really needed.

I wipe a tear, running down my face. He sits down next to me on the bridge, putting an arm around my shoulders. We spend a moment in silence before he speaks.

He tells me, amber eyes watching my reflection, "Don't listen to them. You have to live life, not run from it."

"You always tell me that."

Pause.

"You look like your mother. Don't hide from it. You are beautiful, Reyna-Amaré-Alehandra."

***

Water is everywhere. It holds me in its choking grip, pulling me deeper until it feels like I’ve been under for hours. I try to pry its giant fingers from around my chest, but I can’t fight the current. For a frightful second, I can’t remember why I have to get to the surface. Pain begins to creep into my limbs, still flying furiously. My body hits the sand floor. Seaweed brushes against my face. The remaining air in my lungs seems to compress itself until I feel hollow. Burns slither their way across my lungs. I try to scream, but I’ve lost my voice along with all the air. Water begins to crawl between my lips, sliding down my throat faster than I can push it back. My movements begin to slow as I choke up water. My lungs revolt against me. I can almost hear them crying out for mercy, but I know it’s hopeless. I can’t do anything but drown. Water fills my system. Pain stretches to every corner of my body. Anguish is the only thing my brain can concentrate on. I try to whisper for help but only succeed in swallowing more water. My movements slow to a stop as I lay on the riverbed, choking up water. 

You are beautiful, Reyna-Amaré-Alehandra.

***

I can still feel the warm enclosure of my mother's arms. I can still feel the summer breeze, wrapping around me. I remember the feeling of grass between my bare toes. I can recall the feeling of water, lapping against my ankles. The world is beautiful. Not perfect -- beautiful.

***

I didn't. I know I didn't. Live life to the fullest. I spent too much of my life, ruminating over everything I couldn't do -- forgetting everything I do have and can do. Spending too much of my life wishing for more, and only ended up taking away what I already had. And now I'm going to die. All these thoughts rocket through my mind as the last of my air slips through my mouth and makes its ascent towards the sky. I feel a hand grab my collar and drag me back to the surface as my world slowly goes black.

You are beautiful, Reyna-Amaré-Alehandra.