Whispers in the Wind

Contains Domestic Abuse:

Whispers In the Wind

A cool breeze slides across my skin, my body trembles involuntarily and goosebumps form. What a beautiful moment, it almost makes you think there is nothing wrong in the world. But the truth of the matter is that there is nothing right in the world. Not in my world anyway.

I cannot believe that he did this to me. What had I ever done to deserve this? Nothing, that’s what. All I had ever done was love him, Spencer Carpenter, the man of my dreams, or so I thought.

I remember the first time I ever saw him. I was rushing to work because I was running late as usual. I was looking at my phone and not paying attention to where I was going. I walked right into what felt like a brick wall, but it wasn’t a brick wall, it was him. He was directing people traffic on the sidewalk, trying to keep everything flowing smoothly. The construction being done on the road in front of my office was causing chaos on the walkways. I don’t know how I didn’t see him, since he was wearing one of those fluorescent yellow safety vests. “Watch out there, young lady,” he said with a chuckle in his voice. “Why are you in such a hurry?” When I looked up I was met with the most beautiful green eyes I have ever seen, they shined so brightly it almost made you want to look away, but you couldn’t. “U, um…I’m sorry,” I stammered. “I’m running late for work and was reading emails on my phone trying to put out fires and keep new ones from starting.” I laughed at how stupid I sounded but he just smiled and replied, “I understand, I’m trying to keep fires from starting myself”. I mentally slapped my forehead that sounded worse than my excuse. “Well, thank you for saving me from such grave danger but I really must get to work. Again, I am so sorry.”

Breathless and disheveled, I finally made it to my corner office and sat down into my desk chair. I took a moment to look out from my wall of windows, the view never seemed to disappoint and it always calmed me. That is until today, today when I looked out the window the first thing I noticed or should I say the first person I noticed was “Mr. Construction Worker” himself and that view was anything but calming, in fact it was very distracting. You might not have been able to see those beautiful green eyes from here but there was even more there to admire. He had a nice broad chest, tanned skin and the most chiseled arms I have ever seen.

It was a long day, one full of useless meetings that could have been handled with an email or simple phone call. I am glad it is finally over. I go to my office to collect my things and instinctively look out the window, of course green eyes was gone. I didn’t really expect him to be there. Hopefully he will be back tomorrow.

I push the down button on the elevator and when I hear the ding, I automatically walk in without even looking up and then bam, I ran straight into someone again. Thinking this is not my day, I look up from my phone only to see those beautiful green eyes again. He starts to laugh and in a deep husky voice that I hadn’t noticed before says, “I hate to be cliché, but we have got to stop meeting like this.” I laughed and replied, “I should get your contact information in case of damages.” I stuck out my hand, “I’m Kelsey, and this is how I normally go about meeting new people.” A full on laugh came out of his mouth and he said, “What are the odds? Me too.” He grabbed my hand and shook it, “I’m Spencer. The elevator doors chose this moment to open and we both stepped off. As we exited he turned right as I turned left and he yells over his shoulder to me, “Same time, same place tomorrow?” I replied with a quick, “absolutely!”

I was in the best mood when I arrived home, I haven’t been that happy in a while after a long agonizing day at work. That you God for sending me a Spencer, I really needed that today. Who am I kidding? I have really needed that for a long time now.

The next day, and for many days afterward, I made a habit of “running into Spencer”. One day he asked me if I would like to join him for a picnic lunch. I thought that was interesting, a picnic lunch so I agreed. The following day I met him and we walked across the street to the park. It was a beautiful setting, he had laid a blanket in front of the pond and the fountain was shooting up water and causing rainbows to appear in the sky. On the blanket set baskets of food and an ice bucket of drinks. I believe it was at that very moment that I fell head over heels in love with the man.

Work actually became bearable knowing that I could look out the window and see Spencer working on the street below. Occasionally I would see him look up and wave randomly toward my building. He didn’t know exactly where my window was but he waved anyway. It would make me smile when I would look out and see his arm waving in the air in all different directions like a crazy person.

Lunches turned into dinners, and dinners turned into more. We were so compatible despite coming from different worlds. He grounded me and I showed him how to live in my world. We had fun together.

Eventually we decided that is was not feasible for us to pay rent on two separate places when we were always together. We decided to move in together and we opted to find a place that fit “us”. One that embodied the couple that we had become, a little quirky, a little funny and filled with joy and happiness.

It wasn’t long until we found the perfect place, it was a two bedroom apartment close to downtown so that I could continue to walk to work every day. There were windows on almost every wall, it was so well lit and had a balcony that allowed us to watch the sunsets when we were able. I couldn’t have been happier and Spencer said it was the same for him. We cooked together in the kitchen, watched scary movies at night and spent every night together in each other’s arms. It was perfect, until it wasn’t.

The insanely busy time of year came around for work and I spent day and night in the office. Sometimes even opting to spend the night on the couch in my office just so I could get a decent amount of sleep. Spencer handled the situation with grace and understanding. But then his buddies started talking him into joining them at the bar after work. At first I didn’t have any issues with it, I was just glad he wasn’t sitting in the apartment all alone just waiting on me. Spencer had told me long before that he didn’t drink so I figured he was just going with them to shoot the shit and keep himself entertained until I got off work.

One day, I got off work early and decided to surprise him and his buddies at the bar. When I walked I saw that Spencer had his back to me so I walked up to him and put my arms around his neck. I guess I must have startled him because his elbow jerked back hitting me square in the stomach. I made a small sound and immediately bent over gasping for air, he turned around with a horrified look on his face. “Kelsey, I am so sorry. I just reacted.” I could tell by the look on his face that he really was sorry so I said, “It’s ok, I should not have snuck up on you like that. I was just trying to surprise you.” He stood up and hugged me, and right away I noticed he was not steady on his feet. “Have you been drinking? I thought you told me you don’t drink?” He turned his head to me and looked at me with a disgusted look on his face that I had never seen before. “How dare you question me, especially in front of my friends? Let go of me!” He shoved me away from him and I fell to the floor. “Spencer? I wasn’t questioning you, I was just confused.” He didn’t apologize, he didn’t reach his hand out to help me up, he just looked at me and told me “Get up and get out of here. I will be home later.” “Do you know around what time you will be home? I could wait up for you.” “I will be home when I am damn good and ready, now get out of here!” I stand up, turn and look at his buddies who all look shocked and embarrassed. I give him a small nod and turn and walk out the door.

I don’t know what time Spencer got home exactly. But when I woke up and looked over he was not there in the bed beside me, but I could smell coffee so I got up and made my way to the kitchen. I could see him sitting outside on the balcony so I grabbed a cup of coffee and walked out there to meet him. I noticed that he had been crying, “Baby, I am so sorry. You know love you right? I promise, nothing like that will ever happen again.” I look in those beautiful now bloodshot green eyes and said, “I know, I love you too. Can you answer a question for me though?” he nods, “You told me you didn’t drink but you never told me why. Can you tell me now?” He took a deep breath, looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “I’m an alcoholic, it had been over 10 years since I had a drink. I don’t know what possessed me to think it would be ok to have just one this time. It is never ok to have just one, once an alcoholic always an alcoholic. I know that! I have found a place close to here that holds meeting and I will start attending them beginning tonight.”

I could feel tears slipping down my cheeks as Spencer told his story I could tell he really meant it. He really wanted to get his drinking under control, he did not want this ruining what we had. “Spencer, just let me know what you need from me.” “Just be here”.

Spencer was trying, he really was. He was attending meeting regularly, staying out of the bars, and doting on me left and right. Gradually things began to return to normal. The one day I get a call from one of Spencer’s friends, he was at the bar, completely inebriated and starting fights with everyone there. The owner demanded that he leave and they needed someone to come pick him up. By the time I got there Spencer was completely passed out, the boys threw him in the seat of the car and I began to drive him home. On the way, Spencer woke up, in a stupor I might add, “Where am I? Where are we going? Did you come ruin my fun again?” And then to my horror, he throws a right punch it lands directly on my jaw. I was shocked, it came out of nowhere and I momentarily lost control of the car. “What are you trying to do? Kill me?” Another right punch to the jaw but this time I was able to deflect it somewhat and it wasn’t a direct hit. I started shouting at him, “That is enough! I do not have to put up with this shit?” I stop the car and tell him, “Get out and find your own way home.” Spencer turns and looks at me and grapples with the door handle until he finally gets the door open. “Fine, I’ll get out but I am not coming home.” And then he slams the door.

I cried all the way home but I knew I had done the right thing. When Spencer finally made it home he was still intoxicated so I went to our bedroom and locked myself in. I could hear him screaming and calling me names demanding to be let in but I would not give in. I just sat there and cried until it stopped.

I woke up the next morning and walked into the living room, there Spencer was sitting on the couch with his arms on his knees holding his head in his hands. “Kelsey, I am so sorry I promise I will work harder to get this under control”. “Spencer, you hit me this time, I mean two full on punches to the face.” He looks at me this time and finally notices the purple and blue marks on my jaw. “Oh my God Kelsey, I don’t remember, did I do that to you?” “Yes, you did!” He starts crying this time, I mean real tears streaming down his face. “I am so sorry, I never meant to hurt you. I love you, can you please forgive me?” Of course I forgave him, I loved him and he promised things would get better.

But things didn’t get better, they just kept getting worse. For months this went on, him working hard on staying sober and then slipping up again. Every time he took this out on me, he even told me one time that it was all my fault. If I hadn’t started working so much he wouldn’t have had to go hang out at the bar with his buddies and he would have never started drinking again. Of course, the morning after he would always apologize and swear it would never happen again. I kept forgiving him because I could remember the man that he was before the drinking and I could remember all of the happy times we had together before the drinking.

I began to hate myself, I couldn’t believe that I was turning into this person. This person that was walking on eggshells, this person that was always trying to say or do the right things to keep the peace, this person who was allowing herself to be abused and was always so forgiving. What kind of person stays in a situation like this one?

I began to understand the women that said that it is easier said than done, I began to understand the women that said you never know what you are going to do in their situation. How the words rang true to me now. I needed to take my life back, but how?

It all happened on that final night, Spencer came home drunk once again but this time it was worse than I had ever seen it. Everything was a fight, everything was my fault. The punches started coming as they always did but this time they didn’t stop. I was under a constant barrage of insults, kicks and punches until finally, I guess I passed out. I awoke on the floor to more screaming and banging. It sounded like Spencer was tearing our little apartment apart.

I crawled to the nightstand beside my bed, opened the drawer and felt around until my hand wrapped around cold metal. It was the gun I had bought for protection. Then, all of a sudden, the door flies open and Spencer comes crashing through. He looks angry and heads toward me with his fists in the air, scared out of my wits and not knowing what is coming I raise my arms, pointed my gun and shot. Spencer’s eyes got wide with disbelief and blood oozed from his mouth as he opens it and says, “I…I’m sorry….Kels…I…I love..y-“. Nonstop tears coming from my eyes and streaming down my cheeks I whisper, “I know Spencer, I love you too. Please forgive me.”

I reach for my phone, pick it up and dial 911 then black out. I don’t remember speaking to the operator but somehow they found me. As I slowly open my swollen eyes I can see flashing red and blue lights through the widows reflecting on the walls in my apartment, the apartment that was supposed to be filled with nothing by joy and happiness but somehow became the complete opposite.

The gurney is in front of me and the paramedics are zipping up the black bag that contains Spencer’s body. I yell and ask to say good-bye, the paramedics help me stand and walk over the body. Spencer looks so peaceful, I reach over and kiss him on the cheek. I love you Spencer………

My boss made me take time off of work, said I needed healing. I decided to drive to the coast and rent a beach house, the fresh air would do me some good. I walk out the house toward the beach, blanket in hand and a basket full of food and drinks. I lay the blanket down on the sand and try to re-create as best I can the picnic that Spencer and I shared on our first date. As I stand there looking over the water with my toes in the sand, I feel that cool breeze, and look up to see a beautiful perfectly formed rainbow, and I know. Spencer is here and his voice whispers through the wind, “I’m sorry Kelsey, I love you!”