The Compass of Time

My fingers flew across the piano, sweat dampening notes of black and white. This was the opportunity of a lifetime. The moon hung high in the sky, a beacon of hope in the night sky as it illuminated the music room in gentle, silver rays.

“It’s nearly midnight, Ethan. You need to rest before the big day tomorrow.” Ryan’s soft honey voice shattered the bubble I’d locked myself behind. His familiar eyes twinkled like stars.

My idol. My compass. My big brother. His fond smile was too comforting to irritate, though any other being would have found themselves at the receiving end of a harsh reprimand.

Turning back to run my knuckles against the keys, I sighed. “Just once more, and I’ll be good for the night.” Ryan slid down the wall, elbows atop raised knees, and became the distraction that relaxed my shoulders just enough to idly press the chords my body knew well. “Mom and dad are absolutely sure the performance is set for six o’clock, right?”

My brother’s quiet hum of confirmation bounced along acoustic walls. “For the umpteenth time, E. We all double checked with them. It’s, for sure, at six o’clock. The event starts at four. They’ll announce the nominees around five. Do a big speech explaining what the awards are for. The winner will go up to accept and do a big speech of their own. Then it’s your time to shine, little bro.”

The left corner of my lips ticked upward. “We both know who the winner will be. No need to sugar coat it.” Dad: CEO of the largest environmental tech company; the greatest man on Earth – aside from Ryan.

“Oh, you mean the way you don’t need to ask us to double check the itinerary every hour of the day leading up to you being on that big stage in front of all those important people?”

A puff of air escaped me as my hand jerked. “I keep messing up this one part. I have to get it right. It must be –”

“Absolute perfection.”

I tend to forget how well my brother knows my quirks. We go hand-in-hand, he and I, like puzzle pieces glued together. If the board got knocked to the floor, we would be the two that never parted. That was how we wandered through life.

“Exactly.” When I turned to gaze over my shoulder, a frown formed. “You should go to bed. I’ll be done soon.”

Ryan laughed silently, lids drooping as he leaned back against the wall. “You say that, but we both know you would stay up all night, pretend to have just woken up, and then curse yourself for not getting some rest before the performance.”

I couldn’t quite argue with that. Silence enveloped the air, only broken by the soft notes playing at my hand.

“What would Juno say if he saw you up right now?”

The irritation I’d held at bay reared its ugly head. “My best friend would support my resolve and bring me an iced coffee with whipped cream and cinnamon.” Lies.

“Keep telling yourself that.”

My fingers continuing their adventure against the glistening piano keys for a time.

“Have you tried actually singing the piece while you’re playing it?”

A weight fell back over my shoulders. “That’s the problem. I can sing just fine. I can play just fine. I cannot, however, play this particular section flawlessly while singing along with it.” My jaw tightened and I backed away just enough to look at my brother’s strong, slender frame. Immediately, I relaxed.

Ryan’s eyes skittered across my face before landing back on the instrument that had become a part of me. “You don’t usually have such a hard time picking up on something like this. What’s blocking you?”

There was something. I knew there was. I just couldn’t place it. “And you’re absolutely sure the performance is set for six o’clock?”

My brother tapped the carpet beneath his feet, rocking his head side to side. “I can double check one last time if you really need me to, but we’ve all looked at it over and over again. Mom. Dad. Me. You. Even Juno. I don’t know what else I can do to ease your mind, E.”

There was a black void clouding my vision. What was it? I turned back to the sheet music. I drank it in. Every note. Every crescendo. Every detail. Nothing. Everything was as it should be. Perhaps it was the nerves.

“Do you want me to call Juno over?”

“Do you want to call Juno over?” The crimson blush on my brother’s face brought a smirk to my own. Sometimes, two pieces of a puzzle could backfire when you knew each other so well.

Head slinking forward, Ryan stuttered. My idol. My compass. My big brother, who was usually so wise and composed in his youthful age, stuttered. “Would you stop that?” There was a slight whine added to the octave Ryan’s voice jumped.

“It’s not a secret, you know.” Ah, there! I finally managed to get through that section while speaking. Was that all I needed; to stop thinking so much about it?

Ryan crept over to sit at my feet. It made for a ridiculous picture. The little brother, scrawny with glasses too big for his face adorned with one singular long earring hanging from an ear, and the big brother, tall and beautiful sitting there like a puppy waiting to be pet. Someone should have grabbed a camera to immortalize the scene.

I would have hung it on my wall in the most expensive frame I could find.

“We’re not here to talk about my potentially complicated feelings for your best friend.”

“Oh? Then what, pray tell, are we here to talk about?”

“The fact that you’re overexerting yourself right before the biggest gig of your life, and you’re freaking out about it.”

A grumble escaped my chest. A slight dip of my chin. I stared out the window, my body continuing to direct the piano through muscle memory. “What if I mess up? What if I embarrass myself? What if we all got the time wrong?”

Gently, a warm hand met my knee. “If you mess up, it’ll be because you’re not well rested. If you embarrass yourself, it’ll be because you tried so hard not to. And if, by some chance, there was a mix up in the times, I’ll race to get you ready and up on that stage if it’s the last thing I do.”

A wet glare shielded my vision as I stopped playing, dipping my chin further into my chest.

A buzzing hum met the top of my head, and a second pair of arms wrapped around my shoulders. “You goof. The only embarrassing thing about you is how insanely talented you are, and that you’re the only one who doesn’t see it.”

Together, we laughed. Me. My brother. And our newest arrival. “Why are you here so late, Junnie?”

When my eyes shifted, I was able to make out the deepest dimples and bright almond eyes that could be recognized by anyone from a million miles away. My best friend scrunched his face, a silly habit of his, before blowing at his bangs.

“Mom said she would cut these awful things before the ceremony, and I had a feeling someone was up past their bed time.”

My eyes narrowed towards the ground, where Ryan was busy picking at imaginary lint. I shook my head. “Just one last time. I promise, I’ll be done after that.”

“He said that half an hour ago.”

June poked the apple of my cheek before flicking my ear. I flinched as the expectant stinging sensation heated my skin. “Ethan Ray Sternling. If you don’t finish up in the next five minutes, the only iced coffee you’ll be getting for the next week is plain and black.”

“With no cream?!”

“Or cinnamon.”

Ryan gave me that wide-eyed look we shared when we knew the other was truly in for it. “I’d listen to Juno, E. He sounds pretty serious.”

They both backed off as my hands leapt for them. “Alright, last time. I mean it.” I held both pinkie fingers out for each of them to take. It was sacred. “Should I…?” My throat tingled as I looked around the room.

“Yes, do it together, like the actual performance,” Juno answered. Ryan nodded.

I mirrored my brother. “Okay. Ready?” Whatever bothered me would have to wait until tomorrow. I had a performance to attend to with two very eager audience members.

#

“He’s still practicing?”

“Been at it since seven this morning.”

“Talk about perfectionist.”

“I can hear all of you, you know!” I called from the music room. The event was starting soon, and I had yet to understand what it was that had my nerves alit. Big venues, I could handle. Important members? I’ve done that. The song? It was a newer piece, but nothing incredibly difficult.

The sound of ice sloshing pleasantly in a plastic cup jingled from the entryway before my favorite beverage was shaken just at the tip of my nose. “Here, you maniac. Drink your iced coffee and eat this blueberry loaf, since we know you’re not going to eat at the venue.”

Ah, Juno. “You should forget Ryan and marry me, instead,” I gushed. The aroma of coffee beans and cinnamon wafted to my nose right before my taste buds were blessed with sweet heaven.

“Why would you say that?” Juno panicked, his heart exuding an erratic bass even my ears could pick up on. I could have mentioned waking up to them curled into each other on the couch this morning as I waddled into the kitchen for my daily smoothie.

Instead, I flapped my hand his way before setting down the half-drunken cup on the nearby table and went back to flitting through the keys.

Professionally manicured nails tapped my shoulder. “Sweetheart, we need to get going soon. The event is across town, you know. It’s almost four o’clock.”

My heart lurched forward. Bits of blueberry loaf threatened to strangle me. “But I still need time!”

Mom looked to Juno. Juno looked to Dad. Dad looked to Ryan. When had Ryan gotten there?

“Why don’t you all head that way and we’ll be there as soon as Ethan’s ready to go?” My idol. My compass. My big brother. Now, my absolute savior. “We’ve got a couple of hours until he needs to be on stage, right?”

Mom looked back to me. “Wipe that puppy look off your face. It’s too cute.” I widened my eyes just a bit more for emphasis. “Oh, goodness. You’ll be the death of me. Fine, whatever it takes for you to feel better about your already flawless talent. Just don’t be too long, okay? I would hate for you to get in your own way and miss this.”

Juno popped around and made the ugliest face I’d ever seen. I flicked his forehead, now on full display thanks to Mom’s handiwork.

Still, something gnawed at the back of my mind. “You guys are absolutely sure that the performance is set for six o’clock?”

Each of them stared at me. The silence was explosive.

“If you’re so worried, why don’t we all just go now?” Dad inquired. “They have practice rooms there, bud. I’ll even make sure no one disturbs you, and Ryan can grab you when it’s time.”

That wouldn’t work. “I can’t concentrate anywhere else. I have to practice here.”

Here was comfort. Here was warmth. Here was safe.

Ryan cleared his throat. “I’ll have him there. Pinkie promise.” I watched Juno take it, a slight pink blanketing the sun-kissed freckles lining the bridge of his nose. Ryan’s soft gaze directed at my best friend made me want to reach out and frame it on the wall, right next to the picture of Ryan sitting by me last night.

I turned back to the piano and started the piece over.

My brother sat in the corner, quietly observing with a few critiques when that cursed section had me blowing steam from my ears.

Time stood still. Time raced. Time did a blasted somersault.

I was so close. I could feel it. The tips of my fingers buzzed. My vocal chords were hitting that sweet spot I’d yearned for it to achieve three days ago. If I could just –

The phone rang. “Wait, are you serious?” I stopped. Ryan looked over at me, panic in his chocolate brown eyes. “Okay, yeah. We’re heading out now!” He hung up, rushed to grab his jacket and keys, and threw my own jacket at my face. “Practice in the car. We gotta go, E.”

My shoulders tensed. My heartrate spiked. I was on a rollercoaster waiting for the initial drop to send me down into a whirlwind of chaos.

They got the time wrong. They got it wrong. They got it wrong.

It hit me as I buckled my seatbelt, Ryan taking barely a moment before speeding out of the driveway. “I knew something wasn’t right with time.” I could hear words jumbled beside me, but I couldn’t make them out. It was like listening to a radio with a damaged antenna. “I knew it. I had looked, over and over. I was on the venue site, and I saw another event slotted for six o’clock. I meant to ask about it, but I was so focused on perfecting this piece that it slipped my mind. How could I be so stupid?”

Warm hands wrapped around my cold and flailing limbs. “E. Ethan. Take a deep breath. Can you do that?” Smell the flower. Blow the candle out. Just like mom had taught us. “Okay, now tell me the five senses.”

I smelled mahogany body spray. I felt the air conditioner blowing against my neck. I heard my piano accompaniment playing through the car stereo. I tasted blood from where I’d most likely chewed my bottom lip. I saw Juno’s flower drawing taped to the mirror.

“Why do you still have that drawing? We were ten when he drew that.”

“Not the point, but nice to see you’re feeling well enough to make jokes.” A beat. “Okay, now here’s what you’re going to do. I’m going to keep playing the music, and you’re going to sing while moving your hands around the imaginary piano. Got it?”

Deep breath. “Got it.”

The drive went smoothly as I obeyed my big brother’s demands. Eyes closed, the world fell away. All that existed was me and the piano. I went through it over and over again.

Not once did I mess up the cursed section from last night. “Ryan! Ryan, I did it!”

Spring rain pelted down against the windshield. I hadn’t even noticed.

“That’s awesome, E!” His grin warmed my heart. He truly was the best big brother in the world. “You’re gonna be amazing, kid. Give me one up top!”

He raised his hand. I met his enthusiasm.

The world went black.

#

Broken ribs. Broken leg. A concussion. Pieces of metal jabbed into my abdomen. Those would heal.

The body in the casket before me would not.

Ryan. My idol. My compass. My big brother.

He was never coming back.