Alone at First Sight

This could go either amazingly or horribly. In my experience I can never be so lucky as to have an in-between time, neither good nor bad, just unmemorable would be nice. The feeling of all of my failed dates always bring the same sickening feelings of embarrassment. Every single date I've been on, like 3, have always ended in me thinking it went well and just blowing it at the end by talking too much to fill the awkward silences. Thoughts of ‘Why did I wear that?’ ‘Was my makeup a mess?’ ‘Was it too much?’ ‘What if my breath smelled?’ filled my brain and refuses to rest until days or even weeks later. It sounds like I must be imagining everything and overreacting except that none of the dates lead to a second or even a text back. I guess ghosting someone is less uncomfortable, but it always leaves me feeling that I fucked up. Maybe it isn’t me? Except that all of the evidence points to otherwise, I am the only common factor in all of my dates. 

Maybe my friends finally got it right this time? I am convinced there just isn’t a single person that would get me. I’ve heard that I just need to lower my standards or that I just need to give people a chance. Being a guy it’s always a pain in the ass to balance expressing feelings and suppressing them. It’s like I can’t talk about it too much or the guys just feel awkward and don’t know what to say, but on the other hand the only advice I ever get is to embrace the “try it before you buy it” concept. I just can’t get on board with the whole hookup culture. It’s not my scene and honestly it's getting boring meeting people that all seemingly have the same personality. One that only exists in terms of tiktok trends and getting clout to get a following. It’s like everyone around me is seeing life through a lens that totally distorts reality. No one sees each other, or cares to know a stranger for real. No one lives in the moment. Do we even have memories anymore? Or do they only exist to create a vibe, an aesthetic? I really just hope it's different this time. 

The weather for early October was rather brisk. The leaves had just begun to change, and the wind in the city was mild as it lightly blew the smells of restaurants, trash, and hot steam from sewers. The water from the bay gave off the same familiar feel, the salty smell and slight humidity gave a contrasting view of the city. However it all came together as the aquarium had started its new project of reviving the marine life right there in the bay. 

Silvia had thought this was a perfect first date. At the aquarium there would always be something to look at, talk about, but also left out the chance for awkward silences. She texted her date describing what she was wearing and what she looked like. Today she opted for a flowing, flowery dress with a jean jacket and ankle boots. She regretted it instantly the moment she left her house as she always felt protected in her hoodie and jeans, but she did look nice. She went for warm pink cheeks and wanted a light look, the kind that looks great during golden hour but she just had to wear her signature red lip. It was her favorite thing and it was like having to wear her big chunky glasses everyday, it just felt right. She looked around for her date, he should have been there 20 minutes ago. He was supposedly a quite handsome, tall, blonde, surfer dude/ ‘my dad’s a lawyer’ type. The kind that she usually doesn’t talk to. She always felt overweight, too not put-together and those guys, well they went for the cute little VSCO girls that went to church on Sundays. She wandered around and settled on a bench in front of the bay. 

Luca had just parked at a nearby garage. He was supposed to meet his date at one of the nearby shops. She wanted to go shopping apparently, ‘Great first date’ he thought to himself exasperatedly. He had let her choose so it's not her fault if he didn’t protest the idea. He settled for a casual outfit, dark grey jeans and an earthy green t-shirt with his favorite North Face. His date, Ashley texted him and he looked up and saw a redhead woman waving at him. She approached him eagerly as she introduced herself. She quickly posed for a selfie in which he was completely caught off guard. Apparently it was to let her friends know that she found the right guy, except she immediately posted it to her story and asked for Luca’s instagram in order to tag him in it. She quickly hooked her arm in his and marched into the nearest shop as he braced himself for a completely one-sided slew of conversation. 

It rounded on thirty minutes as Silvia had just begun to lose hope, she had seen someone who seemed to match the description of her date. “Steven?” He turned and looked at her, he looked rather unimpressed as he gave her the once over. She immediately felt the heat rising up her neck. She desperately wished she was wearing her over-sized hoodie and trusty jeans. “Yeah sorry about being late, there was lots of traffic.” He said while not really seeming apologetic at all. “Selena right?” “Oh um no, it's Silvia.” He nods, but not looking as if he was really interested in knowing her actual name. She was already feeling the nervous chatter beginning in her mind until her thoughts were interrupted. “So, I know we were planning to go to the aquarium, but something came up so I have to leave earlier. How about just grabbing a coffee?” She was disheartened. Silvia had really looked forward to going to the aquarium, she was hoping she could have at least one stress free date. “Oh, sure yeah that sounds like fun!” She exclaimed, not wanting to seem like a Debby Downer. They began walking in the direction of the restaurants and cafes. 

Meanwhile Luca was regretting not speaking up about the date idea. Half the time she was in the dressing room or talking to a salesperson. Ashley hadn’t once asked him a single thing about himself, he supposed he didn’t try that hard to make conversation, but he already felt it was doomed from the start. He decided he wanted to get the date over with as soon as possible. “Hey Ashley, do you want to take a break from shopping? I’m kind of tired, maybe we could grab a coffee or lunch?” She looked annoyed as the smile slipped from her face, she put down the purse she was perusing and agreed. They walked out of the store and found a nearby cafe that Ashley was actually excited to go to. She whips out her phone and starts an instagram live.“Hey guys! Going to the newest cafe, I’m so sure it’s going to be great. What do you think, Luca?” He quickly nodded hoping to get the spotlight off him. He was so awkward on camera and social things. She rolled her eyes as she was hoping for a more interesting muse. 

Silvia went to order a latte, it was her go to drink when she needed a little pick me up and the warmth gave her comfort when she felt vulnerable. She sat at a table by the window as Steven ordered. He came over with his drink, and sat down. Great, now was the time all hell broke loose. She would mess it up. Again. She quickly sipped her latte. She would finish her drink so fast, even if it scorched her throat, just so she had something to occupy her. He looked out the window and sipped his coffee. Of course he wouldn’t initiate conversation. She always had to do all the work. “So what made you want to try out a blind date?” She asked. “Honestly, I lost a bet and my friends made this my punishment. I don’t really do the whole relationship, dating thing.” He said matter of factly as he took another sip and then proceeded to go on his phone. She was kind of shocked. She didn’t expect him to be so rude, and upfront about his misfortune of having to go on a date with her. She didn’t even know how to respond, but for once anger actually started to boil her blood. This is bullshit, she hadn’t even done anything to sabotage herself yet. Just as she was about to say something he looked up from his phone. “Unless you want to have some fun? My friends are having a little party later on… maybe we could go together.” He then proceeded to make an advance and put his hand on her leg under the table. She could not believe it. She pushed his hand away, “What the hell makes you think that I gave off any sign of being interested?” She went to get up and collect her things. He looked mad, as if he was embarrassed that a girl like her would not welcome his advances. He seemed like the type that wasn’t used to rejection. “I was just giving you a chance for some action, a little charity you might call it. A guy like me would never go for a fat ass like you.” She had the urge to dump her hot latte on him, but thought better of it. She walked out of the cafe with hot tears pooling in her eyes, blurring her vision. She was determined not to ruin her makeup, and for what? A loser that had not a single ounce of respect or manners? 

Luca finished up lunch with Ashley. They didn’t talk all that much, and most of the awkward silences were occupied by their phones. When they paid the bill Ashley explained that she didn’t feel a connection with Luca. Luca tried not to be rude and agree too quickly, but they seemed to end the date well. As Luca walked away he felt a weight had been lifted. He hated keeping up a facade and walked toward the bay. He had some time to kill and thought he could use some alone time. 

I was so glad to have my latte. It kept my hands busy, and I hate to be alone in public when I have no destination. I am just so mad that I wasted my time on such an asshole. You know what? I really wanted to go to the aquarium and that is what I am going to do. I always thought that would be perfect to put on my solo bucket list. I had decided a few months ago that I would start being more ok with being on my own. The end of college has just left me with a dwindling friend group and nothing to look forward to. I decided that I have to be ok on my own. My mood drastically lightened as I entered through the automatic doors to buy my ticket. 

The new project in the bay was looking rather impressive. I think about ways to improve it, as I apply things I've learned in class. Maybe I might really have a future in marine biology. I always worry I won’t actually know how to do anything when I finally have my first real job. I decide to go into the aquarium as the brisk wind leads me to the entrance. I am suddenly hit with the serene ambiance of the place, and a strong smell of tank water and slight humidity. There’s the busy sound of the patrons making their way in, a distant cooing of a bird, and I almost forget that I am in the city. After I purchase my ticket I make myself take time to enjoy the exhibits. I always rush through and just go to my favorite parts. The beautiful man made exhibits capture the feeling of a coral reef, with its colorful and spirited inhabitants. I lean over the edge as the reticulated rays, surgeon fish, and school of black-tip sharks make their way through the warm water. I almost forget about the ‘touch-and-feel’ exhibit that they have as I hear the squeal of a toddler. I can also hardly contain my excitement, but I guess a grown man squealing might draw attention. As I try to make room I bump into a short girl with a rather striking appearance that made her stand out from the scene. Her huge, thick glasses made her eyes look slightly bigger, but in an endearing way. Sort of something goofy you remember about your favorite teacher that would make you laugh. She was wearing intensely red lipstick and it all just seemed to match her. She looked just as excited as he felt as he saw her smile wide to reveal deep dimples. I turned to look at what had caught her attention. A massive Napoleon Wrasse swam by as the sea turtle munched on some lettuce. The turtle extended its neck to reach out and eat the best parts before the schools of fish could get it all. As I turned my attention back to the girl I saw she had disappeared in the crowd. I decided to move on through the exhibit. 

The crowd somehow helps me feel better. It's so crowded that I don't feel as if I am being judged for being alone. I excitedly go through the aquarium. I just can’t wait to see it all, every single detail. It's so vibrant and calming all at the same time. I squeeze my way through groups to get to the ‘touch-and-feel’ tanks. The horseshoe crabs look so cute as my fingertips just barely touch the tops of their exoskeleton. The water is freezing cold and slightly slimy as I run my arm through. I accidentally brush against someone’s hand as I rush through to touch all the animals. I feel my face blush as I quickly apologize and go to the other tank. What I really want to see is the shark exhibit as the memory of it over the years runs through my mind. I wash my hands and rush over to the escalator. 

Oh man I really didn’t mean to bump into the same girl. I hold my breath hoping she doesn’t recognize me and think I'm a creep. However, she doesn’t even look up and quickly goes to the other tank. I awkwardly go to the tank of jellies so that I don’t seem like a total stalker. The moon jellies float through the water as the black light illuminates them. I can’t stay as long as I'd like because before I know it, a mass of children crowd the tank as they try to get their grubby little hands on the jellies. 

I finally get to the shark exhibit and breathlessly watch as the sharks swim slowly overhead. The dark quiet halls make me feel as if I am in the tank. The jagged teeth of the sand shark look scary as the Nurse shark settles itself into the sand. My favorite is the Saw shark. How does it swim through without bumping into the walls? My eyes follow it until a man catches my attention. His curly brown hair and freckles entrance me almost as much as the sharks do. Actually it’s his startling green eyes. The bits of light that reflect through the water from above catches his eyes. I find myself staring at him, but good thing he doesn’t notice. He is so entrenched in watching the sharks. Him and I just watch as they swim through. It’s a while until I notice that the aquarium is getting empty. I’m startled to see that he’s still there. I kind of smile to myself and imagine that maybe I had gone on a date with him instead. I make my way out of the exhibit to see if I can get through the rest of the areas. I look back over my shoulder as he catches my eye. I almost don’t look away. Almost. 

I see the girl again while she leaves the shark exhibit. What are the odds that I've seen her this many times among hundreds of people. I shake my head and decide to spend the rest of my time here. It’s completely cleared out now so I decide to sit on the ground. I could stay here all day. Later I get home and remember I have an exam the next day. To be honest the time I spent at the aquarium might have been just what I needed. I sleep peacefully as dreams of light shining through the water encompass me. The ocean is warm and enveloping. As I look up through the surface I see a blurred image of a wavy-haired brunette with the biggest glasses, dimples, and the brightest red lipstick. 

Finals week proves itself to be the absolute worst as the smell of coffee, BO, and desperation permeate the air. I have been sitting in the same chair for hours. I realize I have also been holding my pee for hours. I rush to the bathroom, feeling guilty for even a moment’s rest. As I rush back out, shaking the water from my hands I run head first into someone. Their smell of cologne and deodorant breaking through the abysmal stench that had been encasing me all day. I look up and see the same freckles, and startling green eyes that I just can’t forget.