How Dare They!

HOW DARE THEY!

Kyla clenched her jaw.  They were supposed to be her friends, and they had betrayed her.  No other word for it—betrayal—pure and simple.  

She paced the kitchen, looking at Marnie’s Facebook page.  There, for the whole world to see, were Marnie and Janice having the time of their lives.  They had their arms around each other, drinks in hand, in some tropical paradise.  Laughing, joking, probably talking about her.  Probably laughing about the fact that they had left her behind.  

They’d gone away without her!  She was the one who had introduced them to each other, for God’s sake!  And now they’d excluded her.  They didn’t even think to invite her!  Some friends!

It was one thing if they maybe met up for lunch, or even drinks without her—she was, after all, an extremely busy person—but damnit, they were on a cruise!  She’d seen it in the picture that Marnie had posted.  The nerve!  They hadn’t even told her about it!  Marnie and Janice was supposed to be Kyla’s best friends, and they hadn’t even mentioned the fact that they were going on vacation together.  

What the absolute hell?

She closed her tablet, placing it on the kitchen counter.  She wondered if it was just the two of them, or if they had invited a group of other people.  A whole bunch of people not named Kyla, she’d bet.  She sucked in a ragged breath.  If it was a group, why hadn’t they invited her?

She walked into the living room, and plopped down on the couch.  Why had they excluded her?  Wasn’t she pretty enough?  Wealthy enough?  Smart enough?  Funny enough?

Her stomach roiled.  It was like high school all over.  She’d never been … enough.  Poor and pudgy.  That did not make a very compelling reason to seek her out as a friend.  

Apparently that was still true.

Kyla thought about posting a sarcastic message on Marnie’s Facebook page.  Yeah, that’s what she’d do.  She’d “like” Marnie’s pic, and leave a comment.  Kyla walked back into the kitchen and grabbed her tablet.  She woke the device up, and stood there looking at the photo, seething.

She started to type.

Are you on a cruise?  Without me?  That’s great!  Real great!  I thought you were my friends.  Apparently not.  Assholes!

She paused and reread at it. Then erased it.  She sounded like petulant teenager—a hurt and angry petulant teenager.  Maybe she should sound surprised, which she really was.  Surprised, but without the anger.

Are you guys on a cruise?  Did you tell me you were going together?  I don’t remember if you did.  Well, have a good time.  Wish I was there.

Nah.  Sounded too pathetic.  But sarcasm was always an option.

Soooo, the two of you are on a cruise, together, eh.  Huh.  Wish I’d known.  Not that you asked me, or anything.  But, you know, I don’t mind finding out you’re away together from Facebook.  Who doesn’t like to be the last person to know you’re travelling together?  Apparently me.

Nope.  That sounded too petty.  But it really was the way she she felt right now.  She stared at the blinking cursor on the screen, trying to figure out what to write. Kyla was angry, hurt, jealous, and frustrated that the people she thought of as her best friends had ditched her.  No!  That wasn’t right!  They hadn’t ditched her—that implied that they had thought about her at all.  No, they hadn’t even included her.  They had ghosted her.  And that really hurt.

Kyla put her tablet on the table on leaned back on the couch feeling sadder than she knew she should.  She was a grown-ass woman, and she knew that people were not always nice.  But, damnit!  Marnie and Janice were supposed to be her besties.  She felt like she was going to cry.

“No way!” she said out loud.  “I’m not going to cry.  They are just being mean, and I’m not going to waste my tears on them!” she said just before bursting into tears.  

How dare they!  Not only did they bugger-off to on a cruise without her—no, without even telling her, which was worse!—but now they’d made her cry.  Bitches!

Kyla tried to pull herself together.  

Maybe a glass of wine will make me feel better, she thought, knowing that it was probably a bad idea.  Nothing good ever happens mixing wine and pissed-off-ed-ness.

Kyla went into her kitchen and rooted around in her cupboards until she found a lovely pinot noir Janice had gifted her the last time she and Marnie had come over for dinner.

Kyla snorted.  Janice gave this to me to celebrate our friendship.  Irony much?

She sat on her couch looking at the pic, drinking wine.  She’d decided not to post a comment.  But she had to do something.  She considered all the childhood pranks she and her friends had pulled.   There was the flaming bag of dog poo, but that wouldn’t work.  First, she didn’t have a dog, and second, Marnie and Janice were away for who-knew-how-long.  So no poo.

She thought back.  She could TP their houses.  Both women lived in single family homes, and each of them had a nice big tree in their front yard.  It didn’t matter if they were away for a week, the TP would still be there when they got home.  So, yes to the TP.

She ran/stumbled up the stairs to to the bathroom and collected four full rolls of toilet paper.  It was Kirkland brand, so there were … What?  She squinted, shutting one eye to be able to read the package—three hundred and eighty double ply sheets on each roll.  So each of her “friends” would be receiving seven hundred and sixty sheets, double ply, from her.  And, for good measure, she would throw the empty rolls on their lawns.  She giggled, imagining Marnie and Janice’s faces when they came back from their vacation only to find their house decorated in TP.  She put the new rolls on the table by the front door.

But was that enough?  Kyla didn’t think so.  She drank some more wine and thought about her revenge.  Eggs!  She could egg their houses.  The longer the eggs stayed on the houses the harder it was to get off.  She staggered out to the kitchen to check on how many eggs she had.  She opened the fridge and pulled out the egg carton.  Alright!  She had nine eggs—four for Marnie, four for Janice, and one for breakfast tomorrow.  Done!

Kyla took the eggs of out fridge, leaving tomorrow’s breakfast egg on the shelf where the carton had been.  She put the eggs on the table beside the rolls of toilet paper.

Kyla went back into the living room to top up her wine.

What else can I do? she thought.

She grabbed her phone and started Googling “pranks.”  

“TP-ing the house, got it,” she said, making a check mark in the air with her free hand.  She continued to read out loud.  “Egging, done!” Another air check mark.   “Ahh!  Soaping windows!  Excellent!”  She tottered upstairs and grabbed a bar of soap.  She figured one bar would be enough.  She placed it beside the eggs and TP.  It was quite the arsenal she had amassed. Revenge would be hers!

She walked back into the living room.  Sitting—well, more like falling—on the couch, she continued scrolling and drinking wine.  There were a lot of knicky-knicky-knock-knock pranks, but pointless because no one was home.  Kyla giggled.  That was the whole reason she was pissed off—because no one was home!  She continued her search  

“Hmmm,” she said.  Kyla didn’t even notice that she was talking out loud to an empty house.  “There’s letting the air out of Marnie’s tires.”  She could do that.  Marnie always parked outside in the driveway.  And she could soap her car windows at the same time.  A two-fer!  

She filled up her wine glass again, and continued to read.  “Gnoming!  Amazeballs!”  Kyla knew that Janice had a herd of gnomes scattered around her property.  They were just sitting there, waiting to be stolen.

She finished her glass of wine, and went to pour herself another.

She picked up the bottle, and tipped it into her glass.  Only a tiny dribble came out.  Kyla looked at the bottle  Who drank all her wine?.  It had been a full bottle.  

She grabbed the empty bottle and drunk-marched into the kitchen intent on finding a replacement.  As she was rifling through her cupboards, her front doorbell rang.

“What the hell?’ she said, still talking out loud to an empty house.  The surprise sobered her up.  A bit.  A tiny bit. Who would be at her door at this time of night.? She squinted at her watch, trying to focus on the tiny number-display.  Ten-something, she figured.  Kinda late for visitors.  Using the hallway walls for support, she made her way to the front door, and looked through the peephole.

“What the hell?” she said.  There, standing on her porch, were Marnie and Janice.  She was stunned.  How could they be at her front door when they were on a cruise somewhere in the Caribbean?

Kyla opened the front door, a look of confusion on her face.  “Wudd are you guyz doin’ here?” she slurred.  “I thought you were on a cruise together.”

Janice and Marnie looked at each other, then at Kyla.

“A cruise?” said Marnie.  “Why would you think that?”

Kyla pulled out her phone, fumbled with some keys, and presented the photo on Marnie’s Facebook feed to them both.  “Because it looks like you are on a cruise.”

The two women looked at each other .  “We were at Rascal’s Pub for Caribbean Night,” said Janice.

“Rascal’s Pub?” Kyla asked, trying to track her gaze between Janice and Marnie, but failing. She closed one eye and looked at her friends.

“Yeah,” said Marnie.  “I texted you a couple of days ago and asked if you wanted to go.”  She pulled her phone out of her pocket, pulled up the text and handed it to Kyla.  Like Kyla could focus on the words in the text.  “When you didn’t respond we figured it wasn’t your idea of fun—music and mojitos and margaritas.” She smiled. “We were confused.”

Janice tilted her head to the side, scrutinizing Kyla.  “You thought that we went on a cruise?  Without you?  Without telling you?”

Kyla shrugged.  Now that she thought about it, that was pretty unlikely.  “I don’t know.  Maybe?”

Marnie crossed her arms across her chest, looking peeved.  “Really?”

Kyla shrugged again.  “I guess I should have known you wouldn’t do that.  We’re friends.  And friends wouldn’t do that to each other.”  She looked at the women, swaying slightly.  “And I should respond to texts before assuming the worst.”  She gave them a big, toothy smile.  “I’m an idiot.”

The women came in and took off their coats.  Janice turned to look at the pile of stuff on Kyla’s front hall table.  “Shouldn’t these be in the fridge?” she said picking up the eggs.

Kyla jolted.  Her ammunition for Operation Horrible Friends.  She’d left it all by the front door for anyone to see.  “For sure!” said she said, reaching for the eggs.

“Wait a minute!” said Marnie looking at the table.  “Eggs, toilet paper, and soap.”  She looked at Kyla, realizing what she was looking at.  “Were you going to prank us?”

Kyla sobered and shook her head.  “I would never do that to you guys.  You’re my friends.  Friends don’t TP, egg, and soap other friends’s houses.”  She stopped, slapped her hand over her mouth, realizing she’d said too much.  Damn wine!