I Wasn't Scared

I always thought that being sick was a bad thing. I was told by many people, including my parents and doctors. They said that I could die if I don't treat it soon. I don't see what's so bad with dying anyways, I think that it could be a beautiful thing. I know that I have only been alive for 16 years but I think that I lived it pretty well so far. I know that I'm not dying yet, but I don't think I will be able to beat cancer if my luck keeps going the way it is.

My life right now is pretty repetitive. I basically live at the hospital with all the tests that they are doing on me. I like the room I stay in though. I have a great big window that looks over the bay. I see the best sunsets ever to exist with blues, purples, reds, oranges, and such a bright yellow. The sun sets over the water, the sun goes down, sinking into the bay, only to come back again on the other side, bigger and brighter than ever. I like the scenery that is out my window, there are barely any cars unless you look really far in the distance.

The doctors came in to talk to my parents, apparently I'm very sick and that they found something in my tests. I don't feel that sick though. I feel like a perfectly normal 16 year old. I could hear them talking on the other side of the door, but I don't mind it, I just keep looking out my window. I start to hear my mother cry, I don't hear her cry that often, so it must be bad. They come into my room and my mom has dried up tears on her face and my dad is comforting her. They tell me that I have a few weeks left to live...

I don't know why I reacted the way I did. I didn't cry, I didn't seem to care, which shocked everyone in the room. I think that if I were to cry, it would make my mom even more sad than she already was. My parents gave me a hug and I asked for some alone time. I don't know why I asked for it, I just did. I don't like being around sad people.

So now I sit in my room, looking out the window admiring the water and how calm and peaceful it was. The sun started to set and I was in awe at how the water was glowing as the sun was setting underneath the dark blue water. It was beautiful. I hope that when I die, that is how people see my passing. I want them to think that it was the most beautiful thing ever and that dying isn't always a bad thing. The only light in my life is the sunset, otherwise everything else is so gloomy and dark and not enjoyable, that is why I like my window because it's the only beauty I can see out of the hospital.

People always say that hospitals are always clean and bright, but I have to disagree. I think that yes, they are clean, but the brightness is just a mask to cover the darkness and the broken that lies beneath the walls, floors, and ceilings. My life has been filled with darkness in this hospital, and the window is the only light I see, the only hope I ever get of making it out okay.

Its been a week and I'm starting to feel the pain and effects of the chemo. I know that I felt it before but today is just different. I lay in my bed right by the window, not being able to get up. I feel too sick to move. I feel very weak and I start to get sad because I don't want to miss the sunset that night. My parents come in and ask me how I'm feeling. I tell them I feel just fine and that I am tired. That happened a lot today, people coming in and out asking how I'm feeling, especially the doctors.

My mom comes in again, but this time with these really pretty roses of all colors, colors exactly like the sunset I see every evening. It was starting to get dark and I asked my mom and dad to go get me food so I can have my time alone. My room is dark and the light from the sunset is coming through my window, shining on the roses my mom had gotten me. I try to sit up to see it but I just can't. I don't have the power to sit up and watch the sunset one last time. I say one last time because I know what is happening. I know that my time is almost up. I look at the flowers again and I see how pretty the sun is making them glow. The flowers are the beautiful colors of my sunset, glowing in the sun, such a pretty sight to see. I take a deep breath and close my eyes.

I open my eyes, but this time, I can see the sunset. Oh, how happy I am that I can see the sunset again. I look around and see myself on my bed through my window. I look peaceful. This whole time I lived in the hospital I felt so trapped and lived in darkness, but now, finally I can be the light and feel so beautiful and elegant. I can now shine on the darkness, hoping that it will make people feel better and show them how pretty the light can be. I feel how bright I am and I am slowly sinking into the bay, just like I had witnessed the nights before. I am almost completely under the water. Sinking ever so slowly to the other side. So no, I don't think I was scared to die at all. I'm happier than ever before. I finally see the light out of all the darkness I had endeavored.