bittersweetness

A loud ringing from the cell phone on the nightstand woke Nate up in a rather unfashionable way. He groaned and turned it off, sighing at the silence that followed suit. He rubbed his eyes in an effort to wake up, but decided that leaving the bed fast without overthinking it would be much better; just like when removing a Band-Aid. He suddenly chuckled at the fact that he just compared leaving his bed to that process and shook his head lightly as he got up.

After a well-deserved morning shower that jolted him awake, he opted for a walk to work as the weather seemed bearable. He wore his clothes quickly, a light grey shirt and black pants; you could never go wrong with that outfit he thought to himself. He grabbed a quick cup of coffee before speed walking towards the door to leave. As he was walking out of his building his neighbour and her daughter walked in.

“Hey you two, hope you have a good day!” he smiled nicely at them, and Maria, a five year old smiled shyly while clutching her mother’s hand.

“Thanks, you too!” the mother said in a chirpy voice and looked at Maria as if asking her to say the same, to which she just responded by hiding her face in her mother’s arm. The latter looked back up apologetically and mouthed still too shy.

He let out a sweet laugh and both of them went on to their intended destinations. He was walking down the street but felt engulfed by a somewhat bittersweet feeling, seeing how Maria held her mother’s hand; she must have felt so safe. He caught himself having a sad smile drawn on his face. What she felt had always been something Nate daydreamed about for as long as he could remember, a safe haven to hold on to when you feel too scared or too shy, a warm hand that would calm the storms of confusion and fear that enveloped his then young innocent mind.

He felt a lump starting to form down his throat and decided it would be better to cut his thoughts short. But as life would have it, he was not allowed to forget about it. He realised that wherever he looked he started to notice what went on in his surroundings. A father was holding his daughter’s hand and smiling lovingly at her as she talked about lord knows what. And they both looked so happy and blissful.

He averted his eyes and ended up seeing two parents holding their child’s hands while the latter giggled. All seemed perfect in their lives, a type of perfect he never had and could never have. Everything today seemed to remind him of how he never had a family, how his family just gave up on him and left him at the orphanage as if he were nothing.

That lump was growing bigger and his chest felt tighter, his eyes welled up as he remembered how he never had the chance to have a shoulder to cry on, nor a smiling face that would reassure him when times were rough. God this walk was a bad idea. He ran his hand through his brown soft curls and looked up to the sky and a dry laugh escaped deep from his chest, though he knew it was just a sob that was simply well masked.

He then noticed the park around the corner that always seemed to calm him when he walked through it. He hurried his pace and walked in and took a seat on the cold metal bench. The contrast between the heat that built up from emotions and the cold seat was somehow comforting. He sighed and held his head in his hand in an effort to physically stop the thoughts from rushing in, but alas they kept hitting him like a train, over and over again.

He kept seeing images from his past, clearly remembering the feelings of distraught he had at such a young age, an age where instead of receiving love and care, he learned what it felt to be envious of others for what they had. Always seeing kids with their families playing around carefree and joyful and picturing himself being the one to have all of that was all he did throughout his childhood.

Feelings of anger and frustration started bubbling up inside him and he could no longer hold back the tears. He shook his head, every year around his birthday things would get awfully hard. He knew others might think it is silly or not really something that important, but then again they had their families, and people often underestimated the things they had. He looked at the time on his phone and figured he should rush his walk a bit to go to his job.

After a long good day at work, Nate went back home feeling a little bit better than this morning. As he stepped inside his house his phone rang.

“Hey Dan, what’s up?” he answered feeling slightly better already.

“Hey, well nothing much I just called you to ask if you wanted to hit up the pub in a bit. Are you in?” Dan asked in his usual relaxed happy tone that Nate could never say no to. He chuckled and agreed to meet him up there in half an hour.

After hanging up, he smiled and went to change into something a bit more casual and opted for a white shirt and dark jeans.

***

Time passed by and Nate found himself laughing at how silly Dan acts in public places after a few beers, and the latter looked at him and smiled, “yeah whatever laugh all you want you know I’m awesome.” he said in an attempt to sound annoyed but it simply sounded amused and sweet. Nate chuckled at his tone and realised that a couple of hours with him made him genuinely happy. He looked at Dan being silly with strangers in an attempt to make them smile and talk and realised, he may not have a family to go to when times were hard, but he knew he could count on him being there no matter how things get. He was his best friend, and his guardian angel.

My guardian angel. He chuckled at the image of Dan having wings and wearing a diaper and he thought he looked so adorable. His smile faltered after that thought, he may be cute but he is straight Nate, don’t forget that. He felt his heart ache, an ache and longing for one more thing he couldn’t have, but had to watch others have it instead.