Go Fish

Trigger - Childhood Abuse is 'suggested'

Go Fish 

It was 2.30 pm and rain was coming down heavily for a mid-July afternoon. The drops pelt on the attic walls with such venom it makes Greg shudder as she completes the ladder and closes the hatch. It must have been 18 years since she had even stepped foot up here. “Achuuuuu”, Greg’s eyes fill up as the sneeze escapes her. The crack of sunlight creeps through the clouds and into the small window piercing the atmosphere, the sun becomes a spotlight for the dust circulating the air like the particles of an atom. Greg looks over at the pile of prehistoric broken TV’s in the corner, her dad was never one to let anyone throw things away, he wasn't accustomed to the laws of Feng Shui. He either thought that he was magically going to become an electrician one day or that the attic fairies would come and fix his prized possessions… or perhaps it was something to do with control, the ability to say no when they suggested chucking the damn things away. In the short time that Greg had learned about his death, she found herself looking back at his life and his odd behaviour with a greater sense of curiosity. Who was this man that she’d spent the last decade avoiding? Greg and her dad had a complicated history, they were always butting heads and had come to a silent agreement that the relationship worked best with a great deal of distance. It had helped that she had moved 4 hours down to the south of England. They would have the odd exchange whenever she called her mum and he was lingering in the background, discussing what movie they had watched that week or what TV shows they recommended. Greg was very comfortable with this kind of idle chit-chat from the distance of her Devonshire flat. It seemed to give her, him, and her mum a much more peaceful existence.As she grazed her hand along her dust-ridden graduation picture she wondered how much things would change. It was only 48 hours ago that her younger sister Jessie had called to give her the news. Of course, she would need to stay to tag team with Jessie as her mum processed the loss and begins to navigate this new chapter, but Greg got upset anytime she thought of having to leave the life that she fought so hard to build for herself. A tear dropped from her eye barely touching her face as she tries to park those worries for the moment, a heavier tear follows, making a splash on the box below her feet. She inspects and sees the mark from her tear on an otherwise undisturbed sheet of dust. Greg pulls up her sleeve to serve as a cloth and wipes the top of the box until she can see some discoloured sellotape holding it together. She finds a loose end and begins to tear, the sound of it cracking open for the first time is so satisfying that she slows down to savour it. As she prizes open the box she discovers an array of childhood toys. She can’t quite tell whether they belonged to her or Jessie but the retro aesthetic fills Greg with a whiff of nostalgia. She registers the feeling in her stomach as an unfamiliar sensation and holds her tummy in acknowledgment. Scanning the box she hunts through the sea of toys and her eyes fall on a loose plastic fish. Greg lets out a small gasp of excitement as she starts to recall. Her left-hand stretches to the bottom of the box, now on her hands and knees with her face hovering over the side, she squints her eyes relying on her sense of touch, tapping around until she can feel a circular device that feels something like a fish pond. Her nail catches on some string, string she would recognize as a fishing rod. She pulls it through to the top, broken toys serve as collateral damage falling to the floor in her haste to retrieve it. There it is! Go Fish! By Kingfisher. Wow, this was Greg’s favourite when she was... she can’t even remember what age..., it must have spanned several years. As she inspects the toy to see if it's in working order she feels herself develop a grin from ear to ear. Her mind shoots back in time, she can picture herself in a blue and white checkered school dress, the year escapes her, sitting cross-legged on the living room carpet, way before they had the laminate flooring installed. It was some awful shade of brown with orange floral prints, it looked like it belonged in the 70s. Greg was teaching her friend Susan how to play Go Fish, Susan was quite a few years older than Greg but they still enjoyed a lot of the same stuff. The concept was easy, you would turn the dial around and around, and when you let it go the fishpond would spin around, similar to the mechanics of a music box. The fish would pop up and down, opening their mouths as they escaped the water, the premise was to see how many fish you could hook on your fishing rod. The winner would have the biggest fish count at the end. Simple yet effective. Greg recalled her dad saying one time that he wished he would have had a boy because “at least he could have taken him fishing”. She couldn’t quite understand why he couldn’t have taken her fishing. But at least Greg got to fish whenever she wanted with this highly amusing game. Greg now begins emptying the box to retrieve the fish. She finds herself sitting cross-legged as she would as a child. As she’s carefully placing broken toys to one side and functional toys to the other, her mind wanders to one of the caravan holidays she went on as a child, her parents let her bring her friend, Susan. Jessie wasn’t born at this point and she had wanted someone to play with. On the second day of the trip Greg and Susan had befriended two girls from the caravan next door, she remembered their names were Choe and Natasha because she thought they were beautiful names at the time. Greg thought it was strange how the smallest thing came back to her like that but she barely remembered anything from before Jessie had come on the scene. The four of them were having a great time playing Go Fish outside of the caravan. The two girls started whispering and then asked if their brother could join the game since he was on his own since there were five fishing rods in total. Greg was immediately offended by the suggestion, absolutely not, she didn’t want to play with a boy. The girls were a little confused about Greg’s strong reaction even Susan had tried to plead with her, it seemed everyone had turned on her and she became very upset. Both sets of parents got involved and she was forced to include him in the game, she felt very sour about the incident after that. Sat now in her old attic, placing the last of the fish in the fishpond Greg wondered why her younger self was so irrational at that moment, she didn’t like to think of herself as inconsiderate. The sound of the rain got much louder and dragged Greg out of her head and back to the task at hand. 

It was 7 pm, and Greg had enjoyed a long bath at her mother’s before dinner, the rain was still coming down heavy but it sounded much more palatable on the bottom floor of the house, comforting even. Greg’s mum shouts from the kitchen “I Can’t believe we’ve got this weather in July, that’s it then, summer is over is it?...suppose it’s only right!” She continues to plate up everyone’s dinner. “Mum, the sun will come out again… I promise” Jessie suggests from the table. Greg and Jessie look at each other in silence. It is quiet in the kitchen as her mum hangs her head, taking in the sentiment of Jessie’s words. As she brings in the plates the girls both raise from their seats. “Can we help with anything?” they collectively burst. “No, no, sit down girls, I’m still capable! Don’t write me off just yet. You’ve had a long day, I’m grateful that you’ve helped me get the house organized, that’s enough!” She has a stoic but sad look in her eye, carrying an air of graciousness while trying to bite the almost visible lump in her throat, so much so that it almost has a pulse. “Let’s eat” she orders. Greg pushed the food around her plate, not quite ready to dig in. “I had a nostalgic trip down memory lane today mum, up in the attic amidst all those bloody broken TVs”, she spots her mum’s eye roll from across the table “Them bloody TV’s, well I suppose they can all go now” she spurts. “Yes, anyway” Greg continued “Remember that game I wouldn’t stop playing, Go Fish it was called”. Her mum pauses for a second “Oh yes that bloody thing, god it used to make such a racket, it drove me insane”. “That’s the one! Greg nodded. "I was thinking about that time we were at that caravan in Maplethorpe and I refused to let that family’s brother play, what on earth was all that about” Greg voiced with a lighthearted laugh, almost embarrassed. Jessie pipes up from her side of the table “What? You?! Not letting someone play with you, I’m so shocked” Sarcasm dripped from her tone. Jessie seemed to be bitter about the years that Greg had thought she was too cool to play with her younger sister. Greg winced as a wave of guilt flooded over her. Her mum starts to laugh “Oh you were a little bugger for that dear, you wouldn’t let any of the boys on the street play with you, it caused absolute murder with the neighbour's! You know I half thought you’d be inclined to the ladies when you were older”. Greg’s eyes got 2 inches wider “What?!” she barked. “Yes your teacher once sent me a letter cause you kept boycotting P.E when the games weren't girl’s only”. “Really? I don’t remember any of that!” Greg stewed. Her stomach had become tight, and she began to fix her position upright in her chair, she started to feel a little uncomfortable about not remembering something that was such an issue. “ Yes dear,” her mum confirmed. “You were very adamant about it so I just decided not to argue with you in the end". Greg slumped back in her chair and began to shovel in the rest of her dinner, she was feeling a little unsettled. Jessie proceeded to change the subject with tales of her childhood and mum waffled on wanting Jessie to feel included. 

It was 10 pm. The day had felt like it was never ending and Greg was very much ready to call it a night. She was back in her old room. It had been kept exactly how she left it when she moved away for university. Greg found this both comforting and disturbing at the same time. It was almost like her mother hoped she would one day come back and revert to being her child again, the one that needed her and relied on her. Those days were gone. Before jumping into bed she looked over at the Go Fish game that she’s laid out perfectly on the windowsill. Unable to resist she started to turn the dial, she discovered there was no discrete way to do it as it cranked louder the slower it went. As she let go the fish pond spun around, fishes bobbing up and down. She giggled to herself, the music that came out was more obnoxious than what you would expect from the likes of a music box, there was nothing delicate about it. Greg pulled out a fishing rod, hooked a fish, and set it to the side feeling satisfied. “Turn that bloody thing off and go to bed” she heard her mum cry. Greg closed the curtains and complied, it had been a long day. 

It was 3 am and Greg was woken by a disturbing gasp! Her eyes start to open as she realizes the gasp must have come from her. The weight of her body is so heavy she feels like she is being pinned to the bed. She tries her hardest to sit up but she is struggling to move. It feels like she’s been trying forever, but finally manages to push herself up. She naturally goes to hold her chest to help her catch her breath, feeling it rise and fall so quickly under her hands. Her legs are completely dead, she tries to hit them to see if she can get any sensation back. She can feel the beads of sweat roll down her face. She registered that she was probably having a nightmare. The trip down memory lane today must have messed with her head. She was dreaming that she was 7 years old, back in her blue and white checkered school dress, she was all alone and terrified, and her mum was nowhere to be seen, frantically looking for her she tripped over one of her toys left laid out on the banister, she went skidding along the carpet so fast that she heard a crack she smacked her head on the skirting board at the top of the stairs. She was in so much pain it felt unbearable. Her head went dizzy and everything looked blurred. She could hear a bedroom door creek open as a dark figure slowly walked towards her, they crouched down and pulled her up from under the arms. “Now now... don’t cry, you’re a big girl” she heard a voice say. Greg shivered thinking back to the dream. The feeling had started to come back in her left leg, the right should follow suit. Able to move a little more she frantically reached for the lamp switch, she didn’t feel very safe in the dark. The light flicked on and relief filled her body as she could see was alone in her old room. It must have been a nightmare.